"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Merry Xmas 2013

Merry Christmas everyone .Here is a thought at Christmasimage

And Please drink responsibly – sit down so you don’t spill any!

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Christmas poem for you

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
The whole damned family was drunk as a louse.
Grandpa and Grandma were singing a song,
And the kid in the bed was flogging his dong.
Ma home from the cat house, and me out of jail,
Had just crawled in bed for a piece of tail.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I jumped out of bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flies like a flash,
Threw open the window, and fell on my ass.
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,
Gave a whore house luster to the objects below.
When what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
Out an old rusty sleigh, and eight  mangy reindeer.
With a little old driver holding his dick,
I knew in a moment that bastard was Nick.
Slower than snails hill coursers they came,
He bitched and he swore and he called them by name.
Dancer, now Prancer, up over those walls,
Quick now damn it, or I'll cut off your balls.
Then up on the roof he stumbled and fell,
And down the chimney like a bat out of hell.
I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight,
Piss on you all, this is a hell of a night!

Monday, December 23, 2013

Brilliant Photography by Put to Music

Make sure you go full screen and your sound on so you don’t miss the full creative beauty of nature .

This simply beautiful animal & landscape photography by Wyman Meinzler, a Texas state photographer, is elevated to the realms of amazing when combined with a classic Doug Smith piano recital. The Doug Smith brilliance blends superbly with his banjo and fiddle accompaniment and times beautifully to the mastery of the photos with mood transitions perfectly arranged to the shifts in tempo.

Meinzler who used to live in the old jail in Benjamin, it is said,at times he crawled a long way on his belly to get a good shot of a wild animal. The photo of the coiled rattlesnake in this series is one such picture. That appeared on the cover of a wildlife magazine in the 80s.

Doug Smith’s music is from one his many CD’s. Sadly a pickup accident paralysed him so he does not play anymore. When he did this maestro musician played only by ear and did not read music.


The pictures were taken in the TX rolling plains, cap rock to Seymour , the Fork, 6666, Waggoner Ranches and  Palo Duro Canyon .

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Warning: Drinking may cause a illusion of feeling mary and gay.

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a spaz.

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

" Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Girls night out.

Two friends, had gone for a girl's night out - both were very beautiful and loving wives.

However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing rather expensive panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next a grave that had a wreath with ribbon on it, so she used that.

They then proceeded home.

The next day, one husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other's husband and said, 'These dam girls' night out have got to stop - I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties.'

You think that's bad' said the other husband, 'Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck in her bum that says...."From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you"

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

The little girl asks her mum story.

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says,
'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
You'll love this!!!!!!!!!).................

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Humping Symphony – a new Andrew Boyd Web Musical without sound


Post Turtles

While stitching a cut on the hand of an old local farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders. 
The old rancher said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come
across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he
doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his
ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up
there to begin with."
Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

^ Degrees of Blond

This blond joke sent to me by my dear blond friend is to welcome back a mate who just got back into the stirrups after a heart attack. (I know some people will do anything for a day off, but try as they did they could not prove malingering.)

Here you go!

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
And then and hung up grumpily after she said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' .
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
Some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-: *?`?*

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on The sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the Mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde Says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,. -:*?`?*:-..,_,-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, So she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment Unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him In the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
She is overcome with grief.She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-: *?`?*

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-: *?`?*

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? 'Is it mine?'
`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-: *?`?*

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps..
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.'
`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,-:*?`?*:-...,_,.-: *?`?*

Monday, December 2, 2013

How Babies are Made

Canadian photographer Patrice Laroche surely will have no trouble explaining to his kids about the birds and the bees.

During his wife Sandra’s pregnancy, the artist created this hilarious explanatory photo series titled

“How to Make a Baby”...

The creative couple planned and carried out their project throughout the whole period of 9 months, taking pictures in the exact same settings as Sandra’s belly expanded.

The pregnancy saga of Sandra and Patrice basically denounces all the traditional cabbage and the stork stories.












Now how could I not have shared this with you - go ahead, smile and enjoy your day!!

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Beer, fishing, golf and sex

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

Tuesday, November 26, 2013


This is tough to see. It just shows the dangers of attending these events.

Amazing photo below shows great detail. The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft.
It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.
One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.No one was killed, but it probably scared the shit out of them.


Monday, November 25, 2013

Race tips

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a Melbourne casino when he met
up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman.They got on famously and ended up in bed.

The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Flemington that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.

In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front. In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her
crotch.He backed nothing.

After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4.

'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a fortune?
'Sh*t', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was scratched!'

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Proper Communication

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones with their neighbour and to read aloud the return text.

Here are some of the replies:

    1. Who the hell is this?
    2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
    3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??
    4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
    5. I don't understand what you mean?
    6. What the f*ck did you do now?
    7. ?!?
    8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
    9. Am I dreaming?
    10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
    11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
    12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she???

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Amish elevator.....

clip_image001A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,  silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen clip_image002an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old  lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a  button. clip_image003The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a  small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

clip_image004They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.  Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

clip_image005The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....'Go get your Mother'

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Letter from Grandma who eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

clip_image001Dear  Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our  local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love  Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling  particularly sassy that day because I had just come from  a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous  prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put  it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an  uplifting experience that followed.

I was  stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost  in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I  didn't notice that the light had changed. It is  a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he  hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found  that lots of people love Jesus! While I was  sitting there, the guy behind started honking like  crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and  screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go!  Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader  he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! 
I just leaned out my window and started waving  and smiling at all those loving people.
I even  honked my horn a few times to share in the love! 

There must have been a man from Florida back there  because I heard him yelling something about a sunny  beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way  with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. 
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back  seat what that meant. He said it was  a  Hawaiian good luck sign.

Well, I have never met  anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned  out the window and gave him the good luck sign right  back. My grandson burst out laughing.  Why even he was enjoying this religious  experience!!

A couple of the people were so  caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of  their cars and started walking towards me. I bet  they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but  this is when I noticed the light had changed.  So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and  sisters, and drove on through the intersection. 

I noticed that I was the only car that got  through the intersection before the light changed again  and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all  the love we had shared. So I slowed the car  down, leaned out the window and gave them all the  Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will  write again soon,
Love, Grandma  

Once upon a time there was a Newfie and a Torontonian

A Newfie and a Torontonian entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, the Torontonian stole 3 chocolate bars. As they left the store, the Torontonian said to the Newfie:

"Man I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that."

Newfie replied: "You want to see something better?  Let's go back and I'll show you real stealing."

So they went to the counter and the Newfie said to the shopkeeper:

"Do you want to see magic ?" The shopkeeper replied: "Ok."

The Newfie said: "Give me one chocolate bar."

The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.   

The Newfie asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well.

He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shopkeeper asked: "So where's the magic?"

The Newfie replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate."

Maz,  That is one of your best ever . No-one could never miss you as a Newfie. Torontonian are always fair game especially this week being Stanley Cup playoffs when they get suicidal .


Thursday, October 31, 2013

The truth about pâté de foie gras being in poor taste

Before you complain about the inhumane practice of force feeding geese to harvest their liver as a culinary delicacy, then consider what the poor French have to suffer especially if you believe that French lovers are not fighters. 

If so then you will find these “in poor taste” quotes quite funny. I did..

    • Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day – the description was, 'Never shot.  Dropped once.'' 

    • 'It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.'  Alan Kent

    • "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."  General George S. Patton

    • "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." -- David Letterman

    • 'France has neither winter nor summer nor morals.  Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.

    All these unkind quotes are from people who should have better manners. But then again if we can poke fun at the Irish. Poles Aussies, Kiwis Brits, & Newfoundlanders why not the French?

    Wednesday, October 30, 2013

    I Bet you can’t do this without a net

    As you may have noticed, we don’t republish many videos as they are already freely on your You Tube collections channel . This is an exception because I think my friends Ineke and Trevor Williams are in it . At least that is was what Ineke told me when Marg and I had dinner with them last night ,, Please enjoy this truly vaudeville item . I did

    Female medical

    During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-

    "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine

    Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

    The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

    "No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

    Tuesday, October 29, 2013

    Testicle Therapy

    Two women were playing golf.One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

    He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

    The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please
    allow me to help.

    I'm a Physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

    He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

    At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

    She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel' she asked? "Feels great," he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken!"

    Monday, October 21, 2013

    A Beautiful story

    One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men on road-side eating grass.
    Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
    He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
    "We don't have any money for food," one replied. "We have to eat grass."
    "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
    "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
    "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
    Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

    The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
    "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
    They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a large limousine.
    Once under way, one of the fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
    "Thank you for taking all of us with you. "
    The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

    You really didn't think this was a heart-warming lawyer story...did you?

    Sunday, October 20, 2013

    Bartender cut price frenzy

    A man walked into a cafe, and ordered a beer.
    'Certainly Sir, that'll be one cent.
    'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.as he glanced at the menu.'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
    'A nickel,' the barman replied.
    'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
    The bartender replied:'Upstairs, with my wife.'
    'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
    The bartender replied:'The same thing I'm doing to is business down here.'

    Thursday, October 17, 2013

    Is this yours?

    Paddy says to Mick "I found this pen, is it yours?"
    Mick replies "Don't know, give it here." He then tries it and says, "Yes it is"
    Paddy asks "How do you know?"
    Mick replies, "That's my handwriting"

    Tuesday, October 15, 2013

    Amazing New Phone App

    To let you put your phone down and pay attention to people talking to you, there now a new free App you can get called RESPECT.


    Monday, October 14, 2013

    The truth about sex

    When 3 people have sex it is called a threesome. When only 2 it is a twosome. Now I understand why they call some people handsome. 


    Thursday, October 10, 2013

    Truth can be stranger than fiction

    Not even "Midsomer Murders" would attempt to capture this unbelievable twist of fate!!!!

    At the 1994 annual awards dinner for Forensic Science, AAFS President, Dir.Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.

    Here is the story:

    On March 23, 1994... The medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus , and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.

    Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.

    He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

    Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

    The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.

    When one intends to kill subject 'A', but kills subject 'B' instead, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'

    When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said they thought the shotgun was not loaded, the old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun.. He had no intention to murder her.

    Therefore, the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an accident, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.

    The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident.. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support, and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

    Now comes the exquisite twist...

    Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus.

    He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself.

    The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

    Wednesday, October 9, 2013

    Kabul Kid becomes a Liverpool League Star but lets his Mum down

    The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young  Afghani play football. He is impressed and arranges for the  player to come over.

    Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to  Newcastle with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani  striker the nod, and on he goes.

    The lad is a sensation. He scores 3  goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are  delighted, the players and the  coach are delighted and the media  love the new star.

    When the player comes off the pitch he phones his  mum to tell her about his first day in English football.'Hello  mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today,  we were 2  - 0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we  won.

    Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love  me.'

    'Just wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day  …

    Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed  and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police  vehicle.

    Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire  to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great  time!!'

    The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm  really sorry.

    Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum. 'It's your  bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first  place!'

    Monday, October 7, 2013

    Blonde Time Again

    A girl visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, asked what their names were.

    The blonde responded, saying one was named Rolex and one was named Timex..

    Her friend said, “I never heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 

    'HELLLOOOOOOO.......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

    Sunday, October 6, 2013

    See how your brain works like a darkroom to develop a negative

    To see it work stare at the red dot on the nose of the girl for 30 seconds then focus on a blank wall and blink quickly  for results. I didn't believe it either


    Saturday, October 5, 2013

    Proof That The World Is Nuts (except maybe for Guam) !

    In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female.

    Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

    (Like THAT makes sense.)

    In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

    (Do they look different reversed?)

    Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

    (A brick? WHY ?))

    The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than 'going blind!')

    There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time!

    Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

    (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

    In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

    (Ah! Justice!)

    Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

    (But of course!)

    In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

    (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

    In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

    (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law???)

    In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

    (Is this a great country or what? Well,.... not as great as Guam !)

    Humans banging their head against a wall use 150 calories an hour.

    (Who volunteers for these tests?)

    The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

    (Did our government pay for this research??)

    Butterflies taste with their feet...

    (Ah, geez.)

    An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

    (I know some people like that.)

    Starfish don't have brains.

    (I know some people like that, too.)

    And, the best for last?

    Turtles can breathe through their butts...

    (And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

    If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam !!!!!!

    Friday, October 4, 2013

    Help for a Homeless Golfer

    imageI am reaching out for a friend who wishes to remain anonymous. He has fallen on hard times and genuinely needs some help to get on his feet again.

    His wife had told him to ask the pharmacy for some of those pills to help him get an erection.

    When he came back he handed her some diet pills.

    Anyway he is looking for a place to stay. Can you help him?


    Thursday, October 3, 2013

    Caught Something Not Using a Condom? Always Get a Second Opinion

    In China , an American is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom .

    A week after arriving back home in the States, one morning he finds his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

    Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

    The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”

    The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

    The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”

    The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

    The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”

    The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.

    The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongowian V  D. Vewy ware disease.”

    The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

    The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid Amewican docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

    “Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

    “Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself!!!!”

    Sunday, September 29, 2013

    I didn't know that either –Bonus Sunday

    Playing with a full deck

    Common entertainment once included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace of Spades.' To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck.'



    Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to 'go sip some Ale and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. 'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossip.'

    Minding your 'P's and Q's'

    At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the phrase 'minding your 'P's and Q's'.


    And now for the Bonus : bet you didn't know this!

    In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply stacked near to the cannon. The standard was stack of 30 is an square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which in turn rested on the bottom sixteen. which in turn were mounted in a specially made plate

    This metal plate had 16 round indentations and was called a 'Monkey'. This clever design allowed all 30 cannon balls to be stacked in a way they could not roll about a very small area next to the cannon .

    However, the early Monkey plates were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys which solved the problem' That was until the winter realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled..

    Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey; Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.'

    (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)

    Saturday, September 28, 2013

    I didn't know that either –Saturday

    Bee’s wax and Losing face

    Personal hygiene once left much room for improvement. As a result, many women

    and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's

    wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were

    speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face

    she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax

    would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too

    close to the fire, the wax would melt. Therefore, the expression losing face.'


    Straight laced

    Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and

    dignified woman, as in 'straight laced' wore a tightly tied lace.

    Thursday, September 26, 2013

    Eve’s heart to heart with God

    "Lord, I have a problem."

    “What’s that  Eve?”

    “I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and these wonderful animals, But it's very lonely, and to be frank I’m sick of apples.”

    “Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

    “Man? What is that Lord?”

    “A flawed creature who lies, cheat and is vain sand who will give you a hard time.

    But he’ll be bigger and faster and will love to hunt, fish and bring you good things to eat. I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs too.

    He will be witless and childish and like silly card games and knock a ball around.so he will be easily manipulated as he won’t be as smart as you, and will need your advice to think properly.”

    “Sounds great,” says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows,” but what’s the catch?”

    “Well,..... you can have him on one condition.”

    “Ok and what’s that Lord? “

    “Well, since he’ll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. You know our little secret .....  woman to woman.”

    I didn't know that–Thursday

    Did you know the saying "God willing and the creek don't rise" was in reference to the Creek Indians and not a body of water? It was written by Benjamin Hawkins in the late 18th century. He was a politician and Indian diplomat. While in the south, Hawkins was requested by the President of the U.S. to return to Washington . In his response, he was said to write, "God willing and the Creek don't rise." Because he capitalized the word "Creek" it is deduced that he was referring to the Creek Indian tribe and not a body of water.

    Wednesday, September 25, 2013

    Some People Never Stop Wine-ing


    I didn't know that - Wednesday

    In George Washington's days, there were no cameras.

    One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms.

    Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost buyers more.

    Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.' (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint.)

    Tuesday, September 24, 2013

    Old Age at its BEST

    clip_image001Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

    One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

    However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

    A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!

    Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

    Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

    'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

    'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes  go?'

    'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

    'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

    'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.

    I didn't know that either–Tuesday


    Big Wig'

    As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October). Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig'. Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy

    Monday, September 23, 2013

    Drink Water and You Could Live Forever

    I asked my Doctor “why do I pee more at night, and should I stop drinking water before I hit the sack?”

    clip_image002The first part of your question is easy he said

    “When you are upright gravity holds water in the lower part of your body. So when you lie down the body (legs etc.) are level to your kidney which finds it easier to remove water.

    The second part of your question is simple too.

    “NO don't stop drinking water before bed time . As muscles seek re-hydration  when too much water is removed there is an increased risk of stroke heart attack or even just simple but painful things like leg cramps. A glass of water before bed reduces that risk.  

    “Drinking water at other times also maximizes body effectiveness”

    A couple of glasses of water after waking up helps activate internal organs

    A glass of water before a meal - helps digestion

    A glass of water before a bath - helps lower blood pressure” clip_image001

    I didn't know that either– - Monday

    Early aircraft's throttles had a ball on the end of it, in order to go full throttle the pilot had to push the throttle all the way forward into the wall of the instrument panel. Hence "balls to the wall" for going very fast. Now you know, the rest of the story.

    Sunday, September 22, 2013

    Tetanus Shot

    An old man in his mid-seventies struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
    His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, Where are you going?'
    He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'
    She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
    He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'
    Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
    He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?
    She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'
    He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
    She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'

    Friday, September 20, 2013

    I didn't know that either–Friday

    Chairman of the Board

    In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'

    Thursday, September 19, 2013

    Avoiding The Booze Bus Blues

    I would like to share a personal experience about drinking and driving .

    Some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session".

    My story is I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.

    Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. So I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

    Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past.

    I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

    Wednesday, September 18, 2013

    Sensuous Wife

    Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.

    "No",said her husband.

    She gave him a sexy little s mile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

    He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...and smiled approvingly.

    "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?

    "Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

    She gave hi m another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

    He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

    "Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

    "No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).

    "Well go look in the garage!"...

    Newfie Christening

    Patrick's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

    After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

    Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

    The doctor replies, Ma'am, you had twins ... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth, and had to be christened immediately so your brother Patrick came in and named them.

    The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Codfish, no, no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot".

    Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, Well, what's my daughter's name?
    Denise says the doctor.

    The new mother is somewhat relieved, Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother , she thought, I really like Denise .

    Then she asks, What's the boy's name?

    The doctor replies Denephew

    Tuesday, September 17, 2013

    Innovative Cough Treatment

    A Chemist walks back into his shop after a short break and sees a man leaning against the wall.
    "What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant
    "He wanted for syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him a bottle of laxatives" says the assistant.
    "You idiot" you can't treat a cough with laxatives"
    "Of course you can" replies the assistant, "look at him, he's too bloody scared to cough"

    Monday, September 16, 2013

    Who wants to be a millionaire?

    You only need 4 correct out of 10 questions and you could be .

    1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
    2) Which country makes Panama hats?
    3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
    4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
    5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
    6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
    7) What was King George VI's first name?
    8) What colour is a purple finch?
    9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
    10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?

    Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.



    1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
    2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
    3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
    4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
    5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
    6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
    7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
    8 ) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson
    9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
    10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

    What do you mean, you failed? Me, too! And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!  OR you have seen this one before?

    Sunday, September 15, 2013

    Interesting Road Accident Statistics

    I was just reading about the major causes the road accidents which stated 22 % are caused by drunk drivers. That amazing fact seems to say it is far safer to be drunk when driving given the other 78% of accidents are caused by sobriety.

    Friday, September 13, 2013


    A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

    Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

    Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

    The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

    He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

    He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.

    The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ...

    True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

    This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

    He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

    Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.

    The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

    'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

    Sunday, September 8, 2013

    Dying confession

    Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
    He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
    "There's no need to," his wife replied.
    "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
    "I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

    Saturday, September 7, 2013

    The blonde and the cow

    A  blond city girl named Amy marries a Northern Territory  cattle station owner

    One morning, on his way out  to check on the cows, the  stockman says  to Amy, 'The  insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our  cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above  where the cow's stall is in the barn.

    Please show him  where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

    The  stockman leaves for the outback paddocks. After a while,  the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on  the front door.

    Amy takes him down to the barn.  They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the  nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.' 

    The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead  blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know;  how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be  bred?'

    'That's simple," she said. "By the nail  that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently. 
    Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what,  pray tell, is the nail for?'

    The blonde turns to  walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
    'I  guess it's to hang your pants  on.'

    (It's nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.) 

    Friday, September 6, 2013

    The Bottle of Wine

    imageFor all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

    Sally was driving home from one of her business tips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

    As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

    Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

    "What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

    The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:  "Good trade....."

    Monday, August 19, 2013

    According to the law

    Courier Mail, Brisbane, Australia: Friday

    In the Family Court a seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him

    The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

    The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

    After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

    After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Australian Cricket team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.



    (David as a Brit I know it gave you great delight to send this to me to share and add to your collection. I can tell you as an Aussie it hurts but we will have our day again; just not this year!!)

    Tuesday, August 13, 2013

    Butter side up and as Irish as it can get…. to be sure to be sure

    "Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up.

    He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

    He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat.

    He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes. He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor."

    "“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”"

    “No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.”

    “Well,” Fr Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”

    "An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. It reads:"

    "“It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena.

    Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we declared no miracle.

    For it was possibly the result of Murphy buttering the toast on the wrong side.”



    Monday, August 12, 2013

    Old German Shepherd

    An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before  long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther  heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having  lunch.
    The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh,  oh! I'm in deep shit now!"

    Noticing some bones on the ground  close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to  the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

    "Boy, that was one delicious panther!  I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
    Hearing this, the young panther halts  his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away  into the trees.

    "Whew!," says the panther, "That was  close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
    Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been  watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this  knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off  he goes.

    The squirrel soon catches up with the  panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the  panther.

    The young panther is furious at being  made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's  going to happen to that conniving canine!"

    Now, the old German Shepherd sees the  panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to  do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his  attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close  enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

    "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off  an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

    Moral of this story...
    Don't mess with the old dogs.. Age and skill will always overcome  youth and treachery!
    Bull Shit and brilliance only come  with age and experience.

    Saturday, August 10, 2013

    Profanity in Church

    A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.He said, 'Vicar, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
    The Vicar said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
    The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
    The Vicar said, 'No shit?'

    Sherlock, can you help on this one?



    Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

    The only question asked was:-

    "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

    The survey was a complete failure because:
    In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
    In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
    In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
    In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
    In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
    In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
    In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
    And in Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

    Friday, August 9, 2013

    Redundancy rewarded

    A group of Britons were travelling by tour bus through Holland.

    As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

    She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

    'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce..'

    She then asked, 'What do you do in England with your old goats?'

    A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

    Thursday, August 8, 2013

    Size Does Matter

    Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
    With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
    appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
    After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
    The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
    large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
    'Gee, Mum,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
    'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

    Wednesday, August 7, 2013

    Why women prefer older men

    Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.. His mates at the club are all aghast.

    At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'

    Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'

    They are knocked over, but continue to ask.’ So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
    'I lied about my age', Bob replies.

    'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

    Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

    Tuesday, August 6, 2013

    Food that Kills

    A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Brisbane .

    'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

    However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

    After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

    'Wedding Cake.'

    Monday, August 5, 2013

    Sex Education for 17 Year Olds

    The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
    Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
    The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
    until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
    Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

    The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
    'Oh mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

    Sunday, August 4, 2013

    Can happen to anyone.


    Whoever left his wife at my place after last night’s BBQ, is asked to come and get her ASAP.

    It’s not that she is a problem, But it just that mine is coming back tonight….


    Saturday, August 3, 2013

    Rectum Stretcher

    Well over the speed limit a woman passed over a bridge and got caught by a cop with a radar gun. 

    The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

    She replied, "I'm late for work."

    Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

    I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

    The cop stammered, "And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

    "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.  I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

    "And what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? "  he asked.

    "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

    Traffic Ticket - $95.00
    Court Costs -  $45.00
    Look on the Cop's Face?  PRICELESS !!!clip_image001


    I think our policy not to repeat a joke must change. I laugh even harder whenever I se this one come up.

    Friday, August 2, 2013

    The Haircut

    A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

    His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

    The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

    After about six weeks, his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

    The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ... and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

    Dad replied:

    'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

    Tuesday, July 30, 2013

    Modern Technology

    I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night
    when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
    'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
    'We don't waste money on newspapers.
    Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
    I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it.

    Friday, July 19, 2013

    Double En Denture

    A guy and a girl meet at a bar……


    They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
    A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.


    He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

    The girl has been watching him and says:

    "You must be a dentist."
    The guy, surprised, says:
    "Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

    "Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

    One thing leads to another and they make love.
    After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

    The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
    "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

    The girl replies:....

    "Didn't feel a thing."