"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

How to keep a woman happy?

It's not that difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be :
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her regular compliments
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, HE MUST ALSO:
51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
NOW, HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Leave him alone

God Upstages Google

Today's Message of the Day is: Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

Here are some contributions from the churches and others.clip_image001

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do Dogs go to Heaven? Two churches face off other across a street..
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How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast
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Jewish Olympic Swimmer?
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Church can be hilarious!
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The Woodpecker Might have to go!
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May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
May nothing but happiness come through your door



Don't take life so seriously!
DANCE
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KISS A LOT!
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RELAX IN NATURE
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Sunday, May 29, 2011

MEDICAL UPDATE

Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion!!

This is good to know!!

MEDICAL RESEARCH


Australian Medical Association researchers have found

that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit

from receiving chicken blood

rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....

Just thought you'd like to know.

BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO ARE CRACKED,

FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT!

OK, I'll be going to my room now.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Sheep's Fries

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the 'parts', but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'."

Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and indeed, the 'sheep fries' were tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'.
The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was.

She said, "You know, it was the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries. Then he screamed and ran like hell."

Thursday, May 26, 2011

I Love Dry Slippers

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A 96 year old man goes to a pharmacy and orders Viagra.

“Can I have 6 tablets cut in quarters please?”

The pharmacist says “A quarter tablet won’t give you a full erection”

“I don’t want an resection.I just want it sticking out far enough so I don’t piss on my slippers.”

Hillbillies Gossip

Three hillbillies on a riverbank were  fishing and sippin' a little shine.
One said, "I swear I am married to the dumbest woman in the county. She bought a TV and we don't even have electricity."
Second one said, "
That's nothing, my wife just bought a washing machine and we don't have running water."
The third hillbilly said, "Mine's got both of yours beat. I was looking through her purse the other day. She had a package of rubbers in there and she doesn't even have a dick."

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

There is is a right way and a wrong way !

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Was this the beginning of logic when it was said about women that

“You’ve gotta pull them  by the hair else they fill up with sand.”

~000~

I know you are  smiling

Worst Age?

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. like a racehorse; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year old said, “ So what's bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00.

Monday, May 23, 2011

The Frog and Golf

 

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A man takes the day off work and
Decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he
Notices a frog sitting next to the green.


He thinks nothing of it and is
About to shoot when he Hears,


Ribbit 9 Iron.'

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The man looks around and doesn't
See anyone.
Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'

He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the
Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.


Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the
cup.

He is shocked.
He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies,
'Ribbit Lucky frog.'
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
'What do you think frog?'
The man asks.

'Ribbit 3 wood.' The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.


The man is befuddled and doesn't know What to say.


By the end of the day, the man golfed the Best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,
'OK where to next?'

The frog replies,'Ribbit Crown Casino..

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They go to the Casino

and the guy says,
'OK frog, now What?'


The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'


Upon approaching the roulette table,


The man asks,
'What do you think I should Bet?'

The frog replies,
'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'
Now, this is amillion-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the manFigures what the heck.
Boom!


Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

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The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel.


He sits the frog down and Says,'Frog, I don't know how to repay you.You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'


The frog replies,'Ribbit KissMe.'

He figures why not,Since after all the frog did for Him,He deserves it.clip_image005

With a kiss, the frog turns into a young 17-year-old girl.


'And that,
your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Top Masturbation story of the week

I wonder why this story featured top in “Digg” this week along with another story second top about Mick Jagger’s daughter, Elizabeth, going naked for the cover of ‘Play Boy’.

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BRAZIL, May 11, 2011.- A woman aged 36 was enabled by the justice to masturbate in her workplace because she has a strange disease.

This is the story of Ana Catarina Bezerra Silvares, an employee of an accounting firm, a divorced mother of three who lives in the village Vila Velha, EspĂ­rito Santo.

The woman suffers from a rare condition known as “compulsion orgasmic”, caused by a chemical alteration in the brain region of the cortex, which leads her to masturbate several times a day to relieve the deep anguish that it causes.

Under this circumstance, Bezerra started legal proceedings with the company where she works that eventually won and that enables to masturbate for 15 minutes every two hours, besides using the computer to see erotic images that stimulate her desire.

The Brazilian newspaper North Regiao reported that the woman confessed, “There was a day I had to masturbate 47 times”, adding: “I began to suppose that this could not be normal, and decided to seek help.”

Currently, Bezerra follows a treatment that includes a potent cocktail of sedatives which gets her to “only” masturbate 18 times a day

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Worse Than Bedbugs

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Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at

night and sew your clothes tighter.

MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHITS.

Now I know what is happening and I thought it was to much chocolate!!!

Friday, May 20, 2011

Restroom Stall

Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom, 
I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom.

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"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me,
But I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
??
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them:
"No..I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

Cell phones, don't you just love 'em !

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May you always have love to share, health to spare and friends that care!

Judgment Criteria

"We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing. Others judge us by what we have done."

- -Henry W Longfellow

Who's your baby’s Daddy?

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,'

Or putting it another way...  Who's your baby's Daddy? 

These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.
1.  Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night. 

2...  I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken
unexpectedly from behind.  I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 

3..  I do not know the name of the father of my little girl.  She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night.  I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted.  If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number?  Thanks...  (The runner-up).

4.  I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter.  He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.  Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5.  I have never had sex with a man.  I am still a Virginian.  I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again. 

6.  I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy  I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country..  Please advise. 

7.  I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me. 

8.  Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A.  If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?  Child B who was also borned at the same time.....  well, I don't have clue.. 

9.  From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World.  Maybe it really is the Magic
Kingdom . 

10.  So much about that night is a blur.  The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.  If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized. 

11.  I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.  (This made number #1).

Thursday, May 19, 2011

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

 

John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Recession Feedback

When the Recession hit in the US ........it hit everybody. even me. I  got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Here is some other feedback
  • Wives were having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
  • when the bank returned your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you would call and ask if they meant you or them.
  • McDonald's was selling the 1/4 ouncer.
  • Angelina Jolie was adopting children from America .
  • A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico .
  • A picture was only worth 200 words.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Suicide Message

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Some Good Rules to Keep about Women

 

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Today's FAQ

Q: why do girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning ?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

Tatoo of the year (do)

My son told me, Dad, I would like to have a tattoo.  I told him No, nobody has one in our family ... and you are not having one.  


He asked me, Why not ? All my friends have a tattoo !   I told him, It would be a stain on your body ! 

He pleaded with me, Dad, please, please, just a Cartoon Character on the belly ?  And after many hours of discussion I gave in and decided to let him.  
After all, he was a young man with his own freedom of choice ...  and I thought ...  a Cartoon Character ... is probably not so bad ! but it turn out.........
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'Are these my brains?

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains? '

Not yet,' she replied

Saturday, May 14, 2011

BBC archives Yield 1986 Soda Water dogs

Half Wit

A man owned a small farm in Australia.
The Tax Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. He also gets triple time for working on a Sunday and a slab of beer for a Happy Hour every Friday"
'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board. She doesn't work on Sundays and I provide paid satellite television for free in her room.
'Then there's the half-wit.  He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $20 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Hang in here Sunshine

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED

           What  is the difference between girls/women
Aged 8, 18,  28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?


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At  8
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You  take her to bed and tell her a  story

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At 18

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You  tell her a story and take her to  bed
  



At  28
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You  don't need to tell her a story
To take her to  bed
  



At  38
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She  tells you a story and takes you to  bed

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At  48
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She  tells you a story to avoid going to  bed

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At 58

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You  stay in bed to avoid her story
  



At  68
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If  you take her to bed, that'll be a  story
  



At  78
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What  story? What bed?
Who the hell are  you?
  



According  to the
Office for National  Statistics

190,374

People  are having sex right now

212,130
Are  kissing

And one poor ole fart
Is reading  emails

You  hang in there sunshine!