A man only needs to be :1. A friend2. A companion3. A lover4. A brother5. A father6. A master7. A chef8. An electrician9. A carpenter10. A plumber11. A mechanic12. A decorator13. A stylist14. A sexologist15. A gynecologist16. A psychologist17. A pest exterminator18. A psychiatrist19. A healer20. A good listener21. An organizer22. A good father23. Very clean24. Sympathetic25. Athletic26. Warm27. Attentive28. Gallant29. Intelligent30. Funny31. Creative32. Tender33. Strong34. Understanding35. Tolerant36. Prudent37. Ambitious38. Capable39. Courageous40. Determined41. True42. Dependable43. Passionate44. CompassionateWITHOUT FORGETTING TO:45. Give her regular compliments46. Love shopping47. Be honest48. Be very rich49. Not stress her out50. Not look at other girlsAND AT THE SAME TIME, HE MUST ALSO:51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goesIT IS VERY IMPORTANT:54. Never to forget:* birthdays* anniversaries* arrangements she makesNOW, HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY1. Leave him alone
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Today's Message of the Day is: Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion!!
This is good to know!!
Australian Medical Association researchers have found
that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit
from receiving chicken blood
rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....
Just thought you'd like to know.
BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO ARE CRACKED,
FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT!
OK, I'll be going to my room now.
Friday, May 27, 2011
After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the 'parts', but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'."
Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and indeed, the 'sheep fries' were tasty.
The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'.
The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was.
She said, "You know, it was the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries. Then he screamed and ran like hell."
Thursday, May 26, 2011
A 96 year old man goes to a pharmacy and orders Viagra.
“Can I have 6 tablets cut in quarters please?”
The pharmacist says “A quarter tablet won’t give you a full erection”
“I don’t want an resection.I just want it sticking out far enough so I don’t piss on my slippers.”
One said, "I swear I am married to the dumbest woman in the county. She bought a TV and we don't even have electricity."
Second one said, "
That's nothing, my wife just bought a washing machine and we don't have running water."
The third hillbilly said, "Mine's got both of yours beat. I was looking through her purse the other day. She had a package of rubbers in there and she doesn't even have a dick."
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. like a racehorse; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year old said, “ So what's bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00.
Monday, May 23, 2011
A man takes the day off work and
Decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
Notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is
About to shoot when he Hears,
Ribbit 9 Iron.'
The man looks around and doesn't
See anyone. Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the
Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked.He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, 'Ribbit Lucky frog.'
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
'What do you think frog?' The man asks.
'Ribbit 3 wood.' The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know What to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the Best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, 'OK where to next?'
They go to the Casino
and the guy says,
'OK frog, now What?'
The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'
Upon approaching the roulette table,
The man asks, 'What do you think I should Bet?'
The frog replies, 'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'
Now, this is amillion-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the manFigures what the heck.
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel.
He sits the frog down and Says,'Frog, I don't know how to repay you.You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'
The frog replies,'Ribbit KissMe.'
Sunday, May 22, 2011
I wonder why this story featured top in “Digg” this week along with another story second top about Mick Jagger’s daughter, Elizabeth, going naked for the cover of ‘Play Boy’.
BRAZIL, May 11, 2011.- A woman aged 36 was enabled by the justice to masturbate in her workplace because she has a strange disease.
This is the story of Ana Catarina Bezerra Silvares, an employee of an accounting firm, a divorced mother of three who lives in the village Vila Velha, Espírito Santo.
The woman suffers from a rare condition known as “compulsion orgasmic”, caused by a chemical alteration in the brain region of the cortex, which leads her to masturbate several times a day to relieve the deep anguish that it causes.
Under this circumstance, Bezerra started legal proceedings with the company where she works that eventually won and that enables to masturbate for 15 minutes every two hours, besides using the computer to see erotic images that stimulate her desire.
The Brazilian newspaper North Regiao reported that the woman confessed, “There was a day I had to masturbate 47 times”, adding: “I began to suppose that this could not be normal, and decided to seek help.”
Currently, Bezerra follows a treatment that includes a potent cocktail of sedatives which gets her to “only” masturbate 18 times a day
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at
night and sew your clothes tighter.
MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHITS.
Now I know what is happening and I thought it was to much chocolate!!!
Friday, May 20, 2011
Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom,
I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom.
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,'
Or putting it another way... Who's your baby's Daddy?
These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2... I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken
unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3.. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks... (The runner-up).
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have clue..
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. (This made number #1).
Thursday, May 19, 2011
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Here is some other feedback
- Wives were having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
- when the bank returned your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you would call and ask if they meant you or them.
- McDonald's was selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie was adopting children from America .
- A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico .
- A picture was only worth 200 words.
Monday, May 16, 2011
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
He asked me, Why not ? All my friends have a tattoo ! I told him, It would be a stain on your body !
He pleaded with me, Dad, please, please, just a Cartoon Character on the belly ? And after many hours of discussion I gave in and decided to let him.After all, he was a young man with his own freedom of choice ... and I thought ... a Cartoon Character ... is probably not so bad ! but it turn out.........
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains? '
Not yet,' she replied
Saturday, May 14, 2011
A man owned a small farm in Australia.
The Tax Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. He also gets triple time for working on a Sunday and a slab of beer for a Happy Hour every Friday"
'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board. She doesn't work on Sundays and I provide paid satellite television for free in her room.
'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $20 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
TAKING A WOMAN TO BED
What is the difference between girls/women
Aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?
You take her to bed and tell her a story
You tell her a story and take her to bed
She tells you a story and takes you to bed
She tells you a story to avoid going to bed
You stay in bed to avoid her story
According to the
Office for National Statistics
People are having sex right now
And one poor ole fart
Is reading emails