Saturday, July 28, 2012
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
Source and thanks to Eugene
Friday, July 27, 2012
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow ?"
Thursday, July 26, 2012
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai. "
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good', and Susie fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students.
She says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter."
A little girl raises her hand. saying, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary,"
The little girl said, "It sure was.
My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit, ' the Rottweiler ate her!"
The teacher had to leave the room.
If you didn't laugh at this you are not awake. -
Monday, July 23, 2012
“The one terrorist in England with a sense of humour, was a man known as Khalid the Droll, He was reported to have said to the cell,
‘I bet I can get them all to take off their shoes in airports.’
“Quite Enough of Calvin Trillin”
Veritable mensch & funny man
Sunday, July 22, 2012
I urgently needed a few days off work, but,
I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
he would tell me to take a few days off.
so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office
and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker Tina (the blonde) followed me,
the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'
(You're gonna lovethis....)
She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
I had to laugh this morning at a story, anything but funny, on the Thai TV news .
A daughter has given up on her career to stay home and care for her mother who is suffering from a muscle wasting disorder. The daughter comes across as an angel and publicity has resulted in the family receiving over Bt1 million in charitable donations.
The funny part is the daughter is filmed wearing a T-shirt with the following English slogan.... "Shut up. My heels are bigger than your dick." ….. Haha,
Did nobody at the TV companies notice?... Expect donations to treble overnight.......
Amazing Thailand eh !!
P.S. The job she gave up was a trainee English teacher
This morning Jerry sent me this news in a Poly pill-could-available-two-years link about an amazing new pill. Extrapolating this it seems an estimated 28% of the worlds population, may soon potentially be able to live for ever. That's over 2 billion people.who for a a few hundred “smakeroos” will reduce their potential of getting a broken heart.
The downside for 72%, that's rest of us being around 5 billion people, unless we can get on the British National Health scheme. we should immediately go into the woods and shoot ourselves. This will avoid a long and painful death by starvation, because there will not be enough food to feed us with all these new elite pearly gates cheaters hanging around longer breathing our super heated climate change air.
The Yahoo life syndicate post reported. study leader Dr David Wald, from Queen Mary, University of London , said it could take another one to two years for all the regulatory hurdles to be overcome.
The pill is a layered tablet containing three blood pressure-lowering drugs and a cholesterol-lowering statin.
Dr Wald said: "The health implications of our results are large.
"If people took the polypill from age 50, an estimated 28% would benefit by avoiding or delaying a heart attack or stroke during their lifetime; on average, those who benefit would gain 11 years of life without a heart attack or stroke."
Friday, July 20, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
“Ok That's a good start. And those who believe, do any think you have seen one?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"Really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you talking about Goats.”
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. He consulted his wizards and magicians and one told the king If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,
she will be cured.
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he announced, any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He asked the princess,Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there. The princess did as she was told, and she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!
The king and in fact everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
The third prince married the princess and they lived happily ever after. Question: What was in the prince's pants?
M&M's silly . They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking?
I worry about you sometimes!
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, It is a physical impossibility.
2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.
3. And discover #1 is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.
I sincerely apologise, but I'm an idiot and needed company.
You have 2 options...close, or share this to put a smile on someone's face
A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgae, worried about her husband's temper
And threatening manner.
The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time
Ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."
The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your
Husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start
Swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until
He goes to bed and is sound asleep."
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came
Home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae
Touch me even once!
Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does
Bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick…
Monday, July 16, 2012
He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
Find the error, it’s impossible'When Bob sent this to me he said he was told to email it to at least 5 people with the title 'Find the error, its impossible', and when you click 'Send', the answer will be right in front of your eyes!
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
Did you know that 80% of UCDS students could not find the error above?
If you find the answer let me know will you? I failed the personality test at Uni, so I an not even going to try. But our mate Bob Spooner is in trouble. He is nearly driven mad over this.as he has sent it to over 200 people already and still cannot get it.
No Mum, Conundrums are nothing to do with toilets. That’s a commode. Anyway this is a clean sight – love you always..
Sunday, July 15, 2012
While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick!"
Saturday, July 14, 2012
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation ?
A. To a different bar.
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans
On Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairy-tale and a southern fairy-tale?
A. A northern fairy-tale begins, ....'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairy-tale begins,... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States
Thursday, July 12, 2012
It will let me know how aggressively I will need to intervene with therapy and medications. Don't look ahead, answer each question before moving to the next. You each have a highly developed professional skill requiring high mental capability, so I am hopeful you will do well.
There are 4 questions. Don't miss one.
The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and
close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.
All the animalsattend .... except one.
Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by alligators, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All thealligators are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn
quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers
got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory
that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.
Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends..
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Maintaining a straight face as a court reporter sure must be hard
Below are are excerpts from a book referred to as being called Disorder in the American Courts, It is reputed people actually said them in court, as taken down by the court reporters
The torment for them must have being staying straight faced while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing la
I looked up the book name on Amazon and found a couple similarly name. I am not sure if it is the same book cited in the joke send to me by David Dyckhoff, but here is a cut and paste expert of that copyright material which you can also access directly from the linked picture above
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Naples , Italy ,went to the local church for confession.When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did my son, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago, and by doing what you did,you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However,
if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?''
TANJOOBERRYMUTTS what is that you ask.
By the time you read through this you will understand"".
And only then will you be ready to take on China !
Believe me... you WILL understand!!!
The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a Hotel guest & room-service in China ...
Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service."
Room Service: " Rye , Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to
Guest: "Uh.... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs."
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"
Guest: " .......What??"
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..
Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"
Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"
Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."
RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'udo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?...
Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying
'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We botter?"
Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy.. tea... meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken,
Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I did say "By the time you read through this...
.. YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
And you do, don't you!
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Looking for his ball,he found a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy,reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief.
'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'
And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things
I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'T’was me that made ye hit the ball here,'the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds,
'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.
And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, looking embarrassed, and says , 'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all?'
'Well,' says the golfer, It's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.
Saturday, July 7, 2012