"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Ever wonder what your flight attendant really thinks of you?

What they'd tell you if they had the nerve? Or weren't afraid of being fired? What deep, dark secrets would they reveal about their jobs?

I have a number of friends who work as flight attendants. One of them recently retired after 20 years flying for the most storied name in commercial aviation, while others work for less glamorous domestic U.S. airlines. I asked them what they'd tell their passengers if they could tell them anything at all, or what secrets they'd reveal only if granted complete anonymity. All I can say is that these people do not represent every single flight attendant in the skies, so if you're a flight attendant yourself, please hold your fire and don't shoot the messenger. But I didn't make this stuff up. What you read here may shock you, or make you laugh, I'm not sure which.

1. You know that coffee you ordered? It's actually decaf even though you asked for regular. We'd rather that you sit back, relax and fall asleep so you don't bother us too much. Our airline sent around a memo wondering why the decaf supplies were going so fast, noting that decaf costs more than regular coffee.

2. When we "arm" the doors on your aircraft, each flight attendant checks the work of his colleague at the opposite door. You've heard it a million times: "arm doors and cross check." Did you hear "crotch check?" It wasn't your imagination. We get silly sometimes. And yes, despite all the cross checking -- maybe because we're checking crotches instead -- once in a great while we screw up and we forget to arm the doors, which means the emergency slides won't automatically deploy if needed in an emergency. We can get fired for that.

3. Our airline used to pay us when we showed up for duty at the airport. That was eons ago. Then we got paid our measly hourly wage when the cabin doors closed. Then it was when the plane's brakes were released. Now we get paid only when the wheels leave the ground ("wheels up" in airline parlance). We don't even get paid when we're taxiing! There can sometimes be hours of delay between the time we show up for work and when we're airborne. Different airlines have different policies, but it's a way for them to save money. So when we greet you at the door, we do that for free. When we serve you your pre-flight drink, we do that for free, too. No wonder our smiles are so fake.

4. If a flight is late, the airline might have to pay us overtime. If the flight is going to be late anyway, we've been known to delay it even further in order make sure overtime kicks in, which on our airline means up to double the hourly pay. We might find some minor defect in the aircraft or use some other ruse to make up for the money we don't get paid waiting for take off.

5. Yes, we can upgrade you to business class or first class after the airplane's doors close. No, we don't do it very often, partly because on some airlines we have to file a report explaining why we did it, partly because there has to be a meal for you and partly because the forward cabins are often full. Who do we upgrade? Not the slob who's dressed in a dirty tank top. It helps if you're extremely nice, well dressed, pregnant, very tall, good looking, one of our friends or all of the above.

6. Please don't take your computer and a newspaper into the lav. It's gross and it means you're going to be occupying it longer than you should.

7. Please don't ask me what we're flying over. I'm as clueless as you are. I am not flying the plane.

8. Please don't do deep knee bends in my galley while I'm trying to work. You won't get deep vein thrombosis on a flight between Houston and Austin.

9. Jiggling your glass of ice at me won't make me dash to the galley for a refill. In fact, it makes me want to scream.

10. When I ask you what you'd like to drink and you ask me "Well, what do you have?" I want to answer "Not a lot of time." But you wouldn't like that.

11. I want to yank your headphones off your head after I've asked you what you want to drink and you've responded "huh?" three times. After the fourth time I just move on or give you a Coke.

12. Yes, we do ask the captain to leave the seatbelt on long after the turbulence has ended so we can serve in the aisles.

13. On night flights, we sometimes hold off on meal service as long as we can so that you'll be asleep and we'll have less to do.

14. All male flight attendants are not gay, even if they might look like they are.

15. We really don't like children. Not just your children, children period. Why do you think we chose a career where we spend half our lives away from home?

16. If you poke me, I'm going to poke you back. Harder!

17. Don't ask me where you can shove your bag. I've been waiting 12 years to tell you where you can shove it.

Saturday, December 29, 2012


The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and
we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said,'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally,
but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she
had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate',
so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Thought for the day

More money is being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

By 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs & huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Xmas Party Memo Trail Leaked - From Guardian Julian-At-large Wiki

RE:       Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! 
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing
along.  And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of gifts
among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be
over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. 
This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Company Memo
FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Employees
DATE:    October 2, 2012
RE:       Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees.  We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. 
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party."  The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to
those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.  There will be no Christmas
tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.  We will have other types of
music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Company Memo
FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:        All Employees
DATE:   October 3, 2012
RE:        Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.  I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that 
reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed
to handle this?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed
since the union members feel that £10.00 is too much money and the
executives believe £10.00 is a little chintzy.
Company Memo
FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To:        All Employees
DATE:   October 4, 2012
RE:        Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours.  There goes the party!  Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees' beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything
for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.  Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest
to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians do not have to sit
with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks
that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about
confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in
the food .  The Grill House suggests that people with high blood
pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but
the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Company Memo
FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All  Fucking Employees
DATE:    October  5, 2012
RE:         The Fucking Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!  We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including
organic tomatoes.  But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They
scream when you slice them.  I've heard them scream.  I'm hearing them
scream right NOW!
The rest of you fucking weirdos can kiss my ass.  I hope you all have a
rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from Hell!!!
Company Memo
FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE:   October  6, 2012
RE:        Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!

Mounting issue

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', highballs' & just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's aclip_image003 candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.clip_image002

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.clip_image005

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins....

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Female Patient

While examining a female patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse and BP are fine.

Now let me see that cute little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The woman immediately started taking off her clothes…..

The doctor, stopping her said: "No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue."-

Friday, December 21, 2012

Lonely widow

A widow, age 70, decided it was time to get married again. So she put an ad in the local paper:


The very next day, the doorbell rang. To her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair with no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you?  Look you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Clever women

With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and
wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out
to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured,

educated and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my backside in the mirror I will think,
Good grief, look how smart I am!

I guess that where the term smart arse came from

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

The true story of Father Xmas

Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.when four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and

Stressing Santa even more was Mrs Claus announcement her Mother was coming to visit. so he when he went to harness the reindeer to leave but he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Still determined he began to load the sleigh, but then one of the floorboards cracked,and toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. There he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He was then even more miffed when getting the broom to find the mice had eaten all the straw off the end.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not very many people know that..

Monday, December 17, 2012

Mutt wins Guide dog of the year award

This year a talented mutt has been awarded the guide dog of year honour for unselfish work guiding the aged at an old peoples home.


Sunday, December 16, 2012

Cure found for man with permanent erection

An engineer went to a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman behind the counter assured him she was a pharmacist and was well qualified, but since husband died only she and her widowed sister, also a pharmacist, own the shop.

As his distress look continued, she then assure him that whatever he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest professionalism.

The engineer agreed and now more relaxed began, "The problem is I have a permanent erection and It causes me a lot of problems and embarrassment. Do you have something you can give me for it?"

The pharmacist paused then said, “If you don't mind I will go and confer to my sister?"
When she returned, she said, "We've discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is ......., 1/3 ownership in the shop, a company car, and £1,500 a month plus living expenses.”

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Consultants Spoonerism

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Very Impressive!
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. "If our personnel were better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.

That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
' By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.' , but I use the spoon.'

Friday, December 14, 2012

Well Hung

Hung Chow calls work and says, ' I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.' 

The boss  says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really  need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything 
better and I go to work.. You try that.' 

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You  say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house'

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Lee Trevino: A true story...


One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas mowing the front lawn, as he always did.

A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked," Excuse me, do you speak English?"

Lee responded, "Yes Ma'am, I do."
The lady then asked, "What do you charge to do yard work?"

Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her".
The lady hurriedly put the car in gear and sped off.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Xmas Divorce

A  man in Scotland calls his son in   London the day before  Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day  but I have to tell you that your mother  and I  are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is  enough.”

'Dad,  what are you talking about?' the son  screams.

“We  can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the  father says.
“We're  sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this,  so you call your  sister in Leeds and  tell her.”

Frantically,  the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.  “Like hell
they're  getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of  this!”

She  calls Scotland  immediately, and screams at her father “You are  NOT
getting  divorced.  Don't do a single thing until I get  there. I'm calling my brother  back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,  don't do a thing, DO  YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man  hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! 

They're coming  for Christmas - and they're paying their own  way.'


(From the collection of Michael and Dawn Dean )

Monday, December 10, 2012

Secret of Wives

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin, they just can't face each other but still they stay together.

Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.?


The great question which I have not been able to answer is, "What does a woman want?"


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.


'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage!'

Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,?
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murra


Saturday, December 8, 2012

New Laws? No it’s been in the bible all the time.

It all makes sense now. Gay marriage and marijuana being legalized in Washington State the same day.

Leviticus 20:13 - "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned."

Apparently we have been interpreting it wrong all these years.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

What goes around comes around for a Good Nurse

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The
doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the policeman
kept feeling something pulling at his pubic hairs.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him
about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough
so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive
tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,

"Get well soon from the nurse in the Landover you booked for speeding last week."

Kind of  brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?

Paddy has a dog’s life.

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in their garden.
Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Why Married Couples Don’t Have Sex

Dear Wife,

  • During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I
    have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
    The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
    54 times the sheets were just cleaned
    17 times it was too late
    49 times you were too tired
    20 times it was too hot
    15 times you pretended to be sleep
    22 times you had a headache
    17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
    16 times you said you were too sore
    12 times it was the wrong time of the month
    19 times you had to get up early
    9 times you said weren't in the mood
    7 times you were sunburned
    6 times you were watching the late show
    5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
    3 times you said the neighbours would hear us
    9 times you said your mother would hear us
    Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
    6 times you just laid there
    8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
    4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
    7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
    1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move


Dear Husband,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your panamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,
"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.