- At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars...watch 'em Slow Down\
- On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'
- Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
- Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
- Sing Along At The Opera.
- When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
- When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
- Tell Your Children over dinner: 'Due to the economy,we are going to have to let one of you go...
- PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
And : my favorite.to Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
- 10. Go to a large Department store?s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out: “THERE IS NO PAPER IN HERE”!
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Friday, November 28, 2014
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. (Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it).
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
John received a parrot, as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, racy or laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's language.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and more obnoxious. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John flung open the freezer. Calmly, the parrot stepped out into John's outstretched arms and said:
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot about the sudden shift in behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly:
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
Monday, November 24, 2014
Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
And our summers were filled with bike rides, Hula Hoops, and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, 'Yeah, I remember that'?
Send this on to someone who can still remember Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles...
Coffee shops with Table Side Jukeboxes...
The Fort ApachePlay Set...
Do You Remember a Time When Decisions were made by going...
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, 'Do Over!'?
'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching The Fireflies Could Happily Occupy An Entire Evening?
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?
And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care.