"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

The truth about pâté de foie gras being in poor taste

Before you complain about the inhumane practice of force feeding geese to harvest their liver as a culinary delicacy, then consider what the poor French have to suffer especially if you believe that French lovers are not fighters. 

If so then you will find these “in poor taste” quotes quite funny. I did..

    • Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day – the description was, 'Never shot.  Dropped once.'' 

    • 'It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.'  Alan Kent

    • "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."  General George S. Patton

    • "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." -- David Letterman

    • 'France has neither winter nor summer nor morals.  Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.

    All these unkind quotes are from people who should have better manners. But then again if we can poke fun at the Irish. Poles Aussies, Kiwis Brits, & Newfoundlanders why not the French?

    Wednesday, October 30, 2013

    I Bet you can’t do this without a net

    As you may have noticed, we don’t republish many videos as they are already freely on your You Tube collections channel . This is an exception because I think my friends Ineke and Trevor Williams are in it . At least that is was what Ineke told me when Marg and I had dinner with them last night ,, Please enjoy this truly vaudeville item . I did

    Female medical

    During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-

    "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine

    Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

    The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

    "No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

    Tuesday, October 29, 2013

    Testicle Therapy

    Two women were playing golf.One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

    He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

    The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please
    allow me to help.

    I'm a Physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

    He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

    At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

    She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel' she asked? "Feels great," he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken!"

    Monday, October 21, 2013

    A Beautiful story

    One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men on road-side eating grass.
    Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
    He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
    "We don't have any money for food," one replied. "We have to eat grass."
    "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
    "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
    "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
    Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

    The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
    "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
    They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a large limousine.
    Once under way, one of the fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
    "Thank you for taking all of us with you. "
    The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

    You really didn't think this was a heart-warming lawyer story...did you?

    Sunday, October 20, 2013

    Bartender cut price frenzy

    A man walked into a cafe, and ordered a beer.
    'Certainly Sir, that'll be one cent.
    'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.as he glanced at the menu.'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
    'A nickel,' the barman replied.
    'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
    The bartender replied:'Upstairs, with my wife.'
    'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
    The bartender replied:'The same thing I'm doing to is business down here.'

    Thursday, October 17, 2013

    Is this yours?

    Paddy says to Mick "I found this pen, is it yours?"
    Mick replies "Don't know, give it here." He then tries it and says, "Yes it is"
    Paddy asks "How do you know?"
    Mick replies, "That's my handwriting"

    Tuesday, October 15, 2013

    Amazing New Phone App

    To let you put your phone down and pay attention to people talking to you, there now a new free App you can get called RESPECT.


    Monday, October 14, 2013

    The truth about sex

    When 3 people have sex it is called a threesome. When only 2 it is a twosome. Now I understand why they call some people handsome. 


    Thursday, October 10, 2013

    Truth can be stranger than fiction

    Not even "Midsomer Murders" would attempt to capture this unbelievable twist of fate!!!!

    At the 1994 annual awards dinner for Forensic Science, AAFS President, Dir.Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.

    Here is the story:

    On March 23, 1994... The medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus , and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.

    Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.

    He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

    Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

    The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.

    When one intends to kill subject 'A', but kills subject 'B' instead, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'

    When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said they thought the shotgun was not loaded, the old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun.. He had no intention to murder her.

    Therefore, the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an accident, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.

    The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident.. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support, and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

    Now comes the exquisite twist...

    Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus.

    He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself.

    The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

    Wednesday, October 9, 2013

    Kabul Kid becomes a Liverpool League Star but lets his Mum down

    The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young  Afghani play football. He is impressed and arranges for the  player to come over.

    Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to  Newcastle with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani  striker the nod, and on he goes.

    The lad is a sensation. He scores 3  goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are  delighted, the players and the  coach are delighted and the media  love the new star.

    When the player comes off the pitch he phones his  mum to tell her about his first day in English football.'Hello  mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today,  we were 2  - 0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we  won.

    Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love  me.'

    'Just wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day  …

    Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed  and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police  vehicle.

    Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire  to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great  time!!'

    The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm  really sorry.

    Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum. 'It's your  bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first  place!'

    Monday, October 7, 2013

    Blonde Time Again

    A girl visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, asked what their names were.

    The blonde responded, saying one was named Rolex and one was named Timex..

    Her friend said, “I never heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 

    'HELLLOOOOOOO.......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

    Sunday, October 6, 2013

    See how your brain works like a darkroom to develop a negative

    To see it work stare at the red dot on the nose of the girl for 30 seconds then focus on a blank wall and blink quickly  for results. I didn't believe it either


    Saturday, October 5, 2013

    Proof That The World Is Nuts (except maybe for Guam) !

    In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female.

    Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

    (Like THAT makes sense.)

    In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

    (Do they look different reversed?)

    Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

    (A brick? WHY ?))

    The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than 'going blind!')

    There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time!

    Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

    (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

    In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

    (Ah! Justice!)

    Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

    (But of course!)

    In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

    (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

    In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

    (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law???)

    In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

    (Is this a great country or what? Well,.... not as great as Guam !)

    Humans banging their head against a wall use 150 calories an hour.

    (Who volunteers for these tests?)

    The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

    (Did our government pay for this research??)

    Butterflies taste with their feet...

    (Ah, geez.)

    An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

    (I know some people like that.)

    Starfish don't have brains.

    (I know some people like that, too.)

    And, the best for last?

    Turtles can breathe through their butts...

    (And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

    If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam !!!!!!

    Friday, October 4, 2013

    Help for a Homeless Golfer

    imageI am reaching out for a friend who wishes to remain anonymous. He has fallen on hard times and genuinely needs some help to get on his feet again.

    His wife had told him to ask the pharmacy for some of those pills to help him get an erection.

    When he came back he handed her some diet pills.

    Anyway he is looking for a place to stay. Can you help him?


    Thursday, October 3, 2013

    Caught Something Not Using a Condom? Always Get a Second Opinion

    In China , an American is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom .

    A week after arriving back home in the States, one morning he finds his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

    Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

    The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”

    The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

    The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”

    The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

    The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”

    The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.

    The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongowian V  D. Vewy ware disease.”

    The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

    The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid Amewican docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

    “Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

    “Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself!!!!”