"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The sex fairy...

This is hilarious! Be sure to read the warning at the bottom. I didn't change a word! I'm not messing with the Sex Fairy! clip_image002
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.



2. Gentle, clip_image004 relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat clip_image005produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow. 
3. Lovemaking
clip_image006can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner. clip_image007
4. Sex is one of the safest sports
clip_image008you can take up. It stretches clip_image009and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers! clip_image010
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression.
clip_image011It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being. clip_image012
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered.
clip_image013The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy! clip_image014
7 Sex is the safest tranquillizer in the world.

8. Kissing
clip_image016 each day will keep the dentist away. clip_image017Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up. clip_image018
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose.
clip_image020Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever. clip_image021
This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex.

The original is in a room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub. It has been sent around the world nine times. 
Now sex has been sent to you. The 'Hot Sex Fairy'
clip_image022will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on. 
If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off.

This is no joke! 

Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?). Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price. 
Do not keep this message.

Monday, June 29, 2009

90 years of compressed living

imageI just got something from Marg (my wife); an email circulating with 45 lessons of life by Regina Brett, a 90 year old woman.

It got my attention immediately :

It also said, Regina Brett has since added another 5 lessons in her book planned to be published in 2010

I read the piece and many really spoke to me, Inspiring it starts:

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written."My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

Before I re-posted it here, I checked the source and found this picture of Regina Brett . Pretty good looking and youthful for 90 YEAR OLD eh?

In another article in the Seniors world Chronicle as Digest of International News and Reports on Aging. and found another piece by Regina Brett where she wrote:

I once wrote the 45 Lessons Life Taught Me, then added five more lessons when I turned 50 in 2006. Next thing I know, the lessons ended up -emailed everywhere. Only someone changed my age. It now reads: "Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old." For the record: I turned 53. In May.


So it seems her 51st lesson that she now  adds is:

"Beware the Internet. It can age you."

But all that aide here is her must read: list to enjoy!!!

  1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
  2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
  3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
  4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
  5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
  6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
  7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
  8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
  9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
  10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
  11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
  12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
  13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
  14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
  15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
  16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
  17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
  18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
  19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
  20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
  21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
  22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
  23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
  24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
  25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
  26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
  27. Always choose life.
  28. Forgive everyone everything.
  29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
  30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
  31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
  32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
  33. Believe in miracles.
  34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
  35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
  36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
  37. Your children get only one childhood.
  38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
  39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
  40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
  41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
  42. The best is yet to come.
  43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
  44. Yield.
  45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Friday, June 26, 2009

New Jokester Joins Us

Pasuta T imagefrom Bangkok has joined  our busy band of jokesters who take time out to search out a good story.  We used "T" for her surname, not to hide her identity but being a Thai name it would not fit on the page.

Welcome aboard Pasuta 



She kicks off today with this as a starter.


Here are some interesting everyday products from the past. No wonder they were called, "The Good Old Days".

Bayers Heroin



A bottle of Bayer's heroin. Between 1890 and 1910 heroin was
sold as a non-addictive substitute for morphine. It was also used
to treat children with strong cough.


Coca Wine, anyone?


Metcalf Coca Wine was one of a huge variety of wines with cocaine on the market.

Everybody used to say that it would make you happy
and it would also work as a medicinal treatment.


Mariani wine


Mariani wine (1875) was the most famous Coca wine of
it's time. Pope Leo XIII used to carry one bottle with him
all the time. He awarded Angelo Mariani (the producer)
with a Vatican gold medal.




Produced by Maltine Manufacturing Company of NewYork.
It was suggested that you should take a full glass with or
after every meal... Children should take half a glass..


A paper weight:


A paper weight promoting C.F. Boehringer & Soehne
( Mannheim , Germany ). They were proud of being the
Biggest producers in the world of products containing
Quinine and Cocaine.


Opium for Asthma:


    It is 90 proof.


Cocaine tablets  (1900)

All stage actors, singers, teachers and preachers had
To have them for a maximum performance.
Great to "smooth" the voice.

Cocaine drops for toothache

Very popular for children in 1885. Not only did they
relieve the pain, they made the children happy!

     Opium for new-borns

I'm sure this would make them sleep well 

(not only the Opium, but 46% alcohol!)

Monday, June 22, 2009

June 22: keep it bowlin'

A Bowls tournament in Berrigan, New South Wales

According to Creed from "The Office", "Everyone likes bowling,

So this is a phrase for when you want to tell someone to stay positive.

For example, if someone has lost their job, just tell them to keep it bowlin and that will cheer them up.

Hey, keep it bowlin', buddy.

Source Urban Dictionary



Meridian, Mississippi


George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Don't mess with old people

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Sunday, June 21, 2009

Skinny Dipping

Star Pond,Butchart Gardens, Victoria, B.C.An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years..
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

Skinny dipping on a French beach.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

Dick Inches

  Oh how the language is ever being tested and changing. Even our immutable standard unit of measure is now being qualified

Being one who was never able to max out when it came to endowment stakes I am please the Urban dictionary has added a new word to our language

Dick Inches is arbitrary (and usually incorrect) as a unit of measurement used mostly by males. It derives from men overestimating their penis size.

Dick inches are much shorter than actual inches. Hence a guy can claim to have a 9 inch penis when it is actually closer to 5-6 inches.

The term "dick inches" is used often too when over-estimating non-penis measurements.

fellow one: "Finally! There's a parking spot!"
fellow two: "No way, man...You can't park within 30 feet of a stop sign."
fellow one: "There's plenty of room."
fellow two: "Yeah, only if you're measuring in dick inches."


Saturday, June 20, 2009


We found a straggly cat at our door. aimage sorry sight; starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted.

We took her to our local vet and for namesake just called her Pussycat. The vet said he should keep her for a day or so and would let us know when we could fetch her.

My husband and our Vet over the years actually never liked each other and I have been the customer. My husband openly calls him 'El-Charge-O' 'El-and the vet privately refers to him as El Cheap-O'/

My husband said, 'OK,and always wary of a large bill had the last word adding sarcastically "Don't forget to wash her, Just remember my wife (me) wantsthe dirty old cat, not me (him).

The next day my husband had an doctor appointment, The MD is is in the same building, next to the vet. The waiting room was full.

just then a side door opened and the vet leaned in having seen my husband arrive. In a very loud voice,he said,

'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more'. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. By the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is! '

"You can pick her up when you leave". as he left and closed the door

Wednesday, June 10, 2009