"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Monday, September 14, 2015

Carburetor Frozen

People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.

Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.

“What’s the matter? asked the Trooper

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"I can't," said the biker.

"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.

Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."

Friday, September 4, 2015

Questions - If your Auntie had balls would she be your Uncle?

Why  isn't the number 11 pronounced  onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoy it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't  they just stale bread to begin with?               

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called  Holes?  
                     
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
                  
Why is  a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
        
If it's true that we are here to help  others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians  can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners  depressed?
      
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'
 
What  hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald  men?
                      
I  thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?                   
                      
Why do  they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?  Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
                       
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
                       
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Why,  Why, Why do we press  harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when  someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Do you  ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first  place?

And A FAVOURITE:
The statistics on sanity say that one  out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental  illness. Think of your three best friends.
If they're OK..? (then it's  you!

A day without  a smile is like a day without sunshine!  And a  day without sunshine is,  like...........night!!!!

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Today's what do do next riddle

Here is the situation:

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.  On your right side is a sharp drop-off.  On your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.   Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

In this type of encounter what would you do to get out of the situation?

Yes your right , just get down off the horse and step off the merry go round!

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Walking Down The Aisle.

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.

My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. 

It seemed to take an age, but eventually, there she was, standing beside me. 

I gave her a loving smile and said,
"Get that trolley over here, Love. 

They're doing 3 cartons of beer for the price of 2 !!"