"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Monday, August 19, 2013

According to the law

Courier Mail, Brisbane, Australia: Friday

In the Family Court a seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Australian Cricket team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.



(David as a Brit I know it gave you great delight to send this to me to share and add to your collection. I can tell you as an Aussie it hurts but we will have our day again; just not this year!!)

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Butter side up and as Irish as it can get…. to be sure to be sure

"Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up.

He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat.

He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes. He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor."

"“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”"

“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.”

“Well,” Fr Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”

"An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. It reads:"

"“It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena.

Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we declared no miracle.

For it was possibly the result of Murphy buttering the toast on the wrong side.”



Monday, August 12, 2013

Old German Shepherd

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before  long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther  heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having  lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh,  oh! I'm in deep shit now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground  close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to  the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther!  I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts  his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away  into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was  close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been  watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this  knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off  he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the  panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the  panther.

The young panther is furious at being  made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's  going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the  panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to  do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his  attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close  enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off  an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs.. Age and skill will always overcome  youth and treachery!
Bull Shit and brilliance only come  with age and experience.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Profanity in Church

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.He said, 'Vicar, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The Vicar said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The Vicar said, 'No shit?'

Sherlock, can you help on this one?



Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a complete failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Friday, August 9, 2013

Redundancy rewarded

A group of Britons were travelling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce..'

She then asked, 'What do you do in England with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Size Does Matter

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mum,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Why women prefer older men

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.. His mates at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'

Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'

They are knocked over, but continue to ask.’ So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.

'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Food that Kills

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Brisbane .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

'Wedding Cake.'

Monday, August 5, 2013

Sex Education for 17 Year Olds

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Can happen to anyone.


Whoever left his wife at my place after last night’s BBQ, is asked to come and get her ASAP.

It’s not that she is a problem, But it just that mine is coming back tonight….


Saturday, August 3, 2013

Rectum Stretcher

Well over the speed limit a woman passed over a bridge and got caught by a cop with a radar gun. 

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

She replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.  I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? "  he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs -  $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face?  PRICELESS !!!clip_image001


I think our policy not to repeat a joke must change. I laugh even harder whenever I se this one come up.

Friday, August 2, 2013

The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks, his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ... and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

Dad replied:

'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'