"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

How many do you remember?

Headlight dip-switches on the floor of the car.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.

Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.

Soldering irons you heated on a gas burner.

Using hand signals for cars without turn indicators.

Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom

1. Sweet cigarettes

2. Coffee shops with juke
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines
on the telephone
5. Newsreels before the movie

6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning.
(There were only 2 channels
[if you were fortunate])
7. Peashooters
8. 33 rpm records
9. 45 RPM records

10. Hi-
1. Metal ice trays with levers
12. Blue flashbulb

13. Cork popguns

Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 11-14 = You're positively ancient!

I must be 'positively ancient' but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.
Don't forget to pass this along!
Especially to all your really
OLD friends...I just did!
(PS. I used a large type face so you could read it easily)

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Wisdom from a Jewish Man

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.  She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking Brick wall!"

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

The Jewish Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door.

With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in.

Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor.

When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What . ... . ... .. You're coming empty handed?"

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

The R100 note!

In The South African Parliament recently, an ANC MP related the following account in praise of the President:-
"There was a father who gave R100 to each of his three sons and told them to buy something that would completely fill up a room.
The first son bought a load of hay for R100 -  but couldn't fill the room completely.
The second son bought a load of raw cotton for R100 – he also couldn't fill the room completely.
The third son was wise and bought a candle for R1 – he lit it up and the room was completely filled with light."
The proud MP declared: "Our President Jacob Zuma is like the third son. From the day he has taken charge of his office, our
country is filled with the bright light of prosperity!"
After the thunderous applause died down, a voice from the DA bench asked:
"So, where is the remaining  R99?

Friday, August 1, 2014

Revising Dad's Will

A man was telling his buddy "You won't believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said,

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop.  Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. Don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose."

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

"Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said, 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend-- Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary’s election campaign!'"