"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013


This is tough to see. It just shows the dangers of attending these events.

Amazing photo below shows great detail. The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft.
It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.
One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.No one was killed, but it probably scared the shit out of them.


Monday, November 25, 2013

Race tips

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a Melbourne casino when he met
up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman.They got on famously and ended up in bed.

The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Flemington that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.

In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front. In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her
crotch.He backed nothing.

After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4.

'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a fortune?
'Sh*t', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was scratched!'

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Proper Communication

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones with their neighbour and to read aloud the return text.

Here are some of the replies:

    1. Who the hell is this?
    2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
    3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??
    4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
    5. I don't understand what you mean?
    6. What the f*ck did you do now?
    7. ?!?
    8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
    9. Am I dreaming?
    10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
    11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
    12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she???

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Amish elevator.....

clip_image001A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,  silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen clip_image002an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old  lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a  button. clip_image003The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a  small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

clip_image004They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.  Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

clip_image005The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....'Go get your Mother'

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Letter from Grandma who eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

clip_image001Dear  Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our  local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love  Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling  particularly sassy that day because I had just come from  a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous  prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put  it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an  uplifting experience that followed.

I was  stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost  in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I  didn't notice that the light had changed. It is  a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he  hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found  that lots of people love Jesus! While I was  sitting there, the guy behind started honking like  crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and  screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go!  Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader  he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! 
I just leaned out my window and started waving  and smiling at all those loving people.
I even  honked my horn a few times to share in the love! 

There must have been a man from Florida back there  because I heard him yelling something about a sunny  beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way  with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. 
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back  seat what that meant. He said it was  a  Hawaiian good luck sign.

Well, I have never met  anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned  out the window and gave him the good luck sign right  back. My grandson burst out laughing.  Why even he was enjoying this religious  experience!!

A couple of the people were so  caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of  their cars and started walking towards me. I bet  they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but  this is when I noticed the light had changed.  So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and  sisters, and drove on through the intersection. 

I noticed that I was the only car that got  through the intersection before the light changed again  and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all  the love we had shared. So I slowed the car  down, leaned out the window and gave them all the  Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will  write again soon,
Love, Grandma  

Once upon a time there was a Newfie and a Torontonian

A Newfie and a Torontonian entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, the Torontonian stole 3 chocolate bars. As they left the store, the Torontonian said to the Newfie:

"Man I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that."

Newfie replied: "You want to see something better?  Let's go back and I'll show you real stealing."

So they went to the counter and the Newfie said to the shopkeeper:

"Do you want to see magic ?" The shopkeeper replied: "Ok."

The Newfie said: "Give me one chocolate bar."

The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.   

The Newfie asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well.

He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shopkeeper asked: "So where's the magic?"

The Newfie replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate."

Maz,  That is one of your best ever . No-one could never miss you as a Newfie. Torontonian are always fair game especially this week being Stanley Cup playoffs when they get suicidal .