"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Today's Wisdom May 31, 2009

Eccentricity is not, as dull people would have us believe, a form of madness. It is often a kind of innocent pride, and the man of genius and the aristocrat are frequently regarded as eccentrics because genius and aristocrat are entirely unafraid of and uninfluenced by the opinions and vagaries of the crowd.
- Edith Sitwell

'Whom are you?' he asked, for he had attended business college.
- George Ade

Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics and our equations. But to me our equations are far more important, for politics are only a matter of present concern. A mathematical equation stands forever.
- Albert Einstein


Happy Birthday

David Brown

With another year past I just wonder if he can answer al the same questions again this year.

you can see what we asked him by clicking on this link


Reblog this post [with Zemanta]

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Today's Wisdom May, 30 2009

Many a man who falls in love with a dimple make the mistake of marrying the whole girl.
  - Evan Esar

Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.
  - Jimmy Demaret

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
  - Henry Kissinger

Friday, May 29, 2009

Melbourne University Twits

Some people have good jobs...I got this on my twtter at Twiiter.com/Gordon_Wood Try it and see who's doing what. image

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Prayers for the nameless


"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer,

Just Smile and nobody will suspect !

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


How about this is for coincidence?

My twitter stats are all lined up for a few minutes last night. A One in 9,195,007,375 chance assuming 1 x 2095 x 2095 x 2095



Monday, May 25, 2009

To be Social or Not


I found this fascinating quote today:

As social networking in business continues defining itself so rapidly we will see many large and small players circumvented if they ignore it.

Performance Controller, May 2009

You should read the whole article.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

The Cremated Husband



Martha lost her husband three weeks ago. She had him cremated and  brought his ashes home and kept them on the end table.
The other day she picked up the urn  and went out to the patio. She sat down at the patio table and poured him out on the table.
She sat there looking at the ashes while tracing her fingers in them. After a few minutes she started talking to the ashes.
"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me?  I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in  the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that car you  promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes  and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,  "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes!!!"

Early Warning

If you receive an

email from the

Department of Health

telling you not to eat

tinned pork because of

swine flu - ignore it.

It's just spam.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

My typing is atrocious

Many people complain about my typos, me too, For me getting it backwards is so easy especially when time is short. But somehow the message still seems to gets thru and we still have great fun.

As many of you know, Marg and I live (mostly me) much of the imageyear in Asia where English is a second language, Locals there understandably often learn written English better native English speakers do. So making such mistakes you would think are confusing. But not so and I am usually forgiven and I get understood. (Truth is too they are also too polite.)

Today when I was going thru some old notes I found this. Many of you have seen it but it explains a lot. Cna yuo raed tihs?

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.


Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it

Oh one thing more!!  Don't try to use white out or run the spell checker on this. It will drive you crazy.

Cheers Gordon

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and



by an enemy Indian War Party. 


The Indian Chief proclaims, "So,  YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ... "In honor of the Harvest Festival, You will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you,  I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request ???' 


The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."


The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear,  and the horse gallops away.  Later that evening,  Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on  his back.

clip_image006As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits

he's impressed..  "You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days." 
"What is your SECOND request ???"  

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought  to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.  
As before,  Silver takes off and disappear
over the horizon.  
Later that evening,  to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,  this time with a
voluptuous brunette,  more attractive than the blonde clip_image007

She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents,""But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request ???" 

The Lone Ranger responds,  "I'd like to speak to my horse,  ....  alone."  

The Chief is curious,   but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says,Listen Very Carefully !!!!

FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...I SAID ...


Monday, May 18, 2009

Funeral of Funerals

imageJim died

His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend.

'Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased,' she said.

'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. 'How much did this really cost?'

'All of it,' said Sharon. 'Forty thousand.'

'No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'

Sharon answered,

'The funeral was $6,500.

I donated $500 to church.

The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500.

The rest went for the Memorial Stone.

' Brenda computed quickly.

'$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?'


Sunday, May 17, 2009

Living without thinking would be great!

I just got this video from a twitter follower. It is A BBC news item about how Microsoft wants us all to live in the future.

What happened to using your brain and just having fun surfing at the  beach. And I wonder were family and friends fit. The mind also boggles when you think how they will automate life in the master bedroom. Maybe then we just download sex as an interactive process.

Come on guys get real. Go spend your billions on something useful.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Today's wisdom May 16, 2009

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
  - Mitch Hedberg

The opposite of the religious fanatic is not the fanatical atheist but the gentle cynic who cares not whether there is a god or not.
  - Eric Hoffer

What this country needs is more free speech worth listening to.
  - Hansell B. Duckett

Thursday, May 14, 2009


Rooster (zodiac)Image via Wikipedia

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs/humans around the globe.

It gets worse........

Next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Today Wisdom May 13, 2009

September 11th 2008 - It's not great art unles...

Image by Stephen Poff via Flickr

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.
  - Jay Leno

Misquotations are the only quotations that are never misquoted.
  - Hesketh Pearson

The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball.
  - Doug Larson

Monday, May 11, 2009


It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.

Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Richard the Brave

Seal of King and Queen County, Virginia

This is a long one but worth it!

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Dick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day the brave Richard or Dick to his mates revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Dick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.  Without pause Dick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Dick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Dick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Dick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Dick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Dick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Dick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Dick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh, told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the front of the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Dick...    

This was sent to me by my Newfie mate Maz who just said OMG???!!!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

New Dangerous Irish Computer Virus


Thanks to Lynda Veran formerly from NZ and now in QLD somewhere the collection is growing well.

School Days 1957 versus 2007

Scenario: Jack goes rabbit shooting before school and pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle,  goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.

2007 - School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his Ute or gun again.. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins.  Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 - Police called arrests Johnny and Mark.   Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programs.

Scenario: Robbie won't be still in class disrupts other students.

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal.  Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a neighbor's car window and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons. 

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state.  Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching. English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. 

Scenario:Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bull ant nest.

1957 - Ants die.

2007- Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called.    Johnny charged with  domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.  Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.  Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison.  Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy. 

Friday, May 8, 2009

What About My Willie

Willie Nelson performing at the Chumash Casino...









Whether or not you are a country fan, this is truly the work of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person.

So simple, yet so profound. these words of wisdom come from that famous philosopher, Willie Nelson regarding his 75th birthday.

'I have outlived my dick.'


Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Quotable quotes


100 years ago, they said that when a black man became president, pigs would fly.

On the 100th day of Obama'images presidency

   ...Swine Flew




Scam Busters

This was posted on DIGG http://digg.com/u12Y32 under a banner heading of "How to make a 419 scammer disappear"


Does somebody send you an email or communication and

want to transfer millions of dollars into your account?
want to pay you to cash cheques and send them the money?
want your help to give a dying persons money to charity?

..... and so on.

 http://www.419eater.com/index.htm is a site I found dedicated to frustrating scammers. Hmm is everything is a potential scam?


Monday, May 4, 2009

Banana Republic

There was a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
a Lionclip_image001, a Chimpanzeeclip_image002, a Giraffeclip_image003, and a Squirrelclip_image004, who pass by.

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . .. .. Try and answer within 30 seconds
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.
If your answer is:
Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're crazy.
Giraffe = you've lost your mind.
Squirrel = you're boring .
Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
Try again next year.

Take more breaks, laugh, laugh some more, and pass on laughter to others… it gets us through our days !