Sunday, December 7, 2014
Saturday, December 6, 2014
She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.
Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?
"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
"Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."
So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot,
their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success.
After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."
Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called her doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.
We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.
The paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomachs.
After the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.
The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum,
"I can't believe that guy!"
"You know, that one who ran over Spot, he never even slowed down".
Thursday, December 4, 2014
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s, 40s and 50's they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 60, they are like onions."
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s, 40s and 50's it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 60s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
My mate recently picked a new primary care doctor.
I am past seventy two he told her so to put him at ease she scheduled some exhaustive tests over the next two visits.
In summary she said scanning the final lab report, she told “it seems you are doing fairly well, for your age.”
A little concerned about that comment, he couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' he replied. 'And I'm not doing any drugs, either!'
“Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'He said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
No, I don't,' he said.
“And do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' none of that either “...
Her face took on wry look at hopelessness as she lifted her eyes from her notes and looking over her the top of her glasses she asked, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
(I think there has to be a message for us all in there somewhere)
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine.
He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'
The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.
If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'
The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, it'll pass a Harley Davidson.'
Monday, December 1, 2014
Marc Fitzgerald is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
My son, "Andy, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
My daughter "Kerry", you take the apartments over in the east end."
My son, "Matt, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Susan, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Marc slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Fitzgerald your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Susan replies, "Property? .... the bum had a paper route!"
Sunday, November 30, 2014
- At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars...watch 'em Slow Down\
- On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'
- Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
- Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
- Sing Along At The Opera.
- When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
- When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
- Tell Your Children over dinner: 'Due to the economy,we are going to have to let one of you go...
- PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
And : my favorite.to Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
- 10. Go to a large Department store?s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out: “THERE IS NO PAPER IN HERE”!
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Friday, November 28, 2014
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. (Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it).
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
John received a parrot, as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, racy or laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's language.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and more obnoxious. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John flung open the freezer. Calmly, the parrot stepped out into John's outstretched arms and said:
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot about the sudden shift in behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly:
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
Monday, November 24, 2014
Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
And our summers were filled with bike rides, Hula Hoops, and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, 'Yeah, I remember that'?
Send this on to someone who can still remember Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles...
Coffee shops with Table Side Jukeboxes...
The Fort ApachePlay Set...
Do You Remember a Time When Decisions were made by going...
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, 'Do Over!'?
'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching The Fireflies Could Happily Occupy An Entire Evening?
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?
And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care.