"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Nice One Bruce

image A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby.

The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again,

"Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here.

"The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"

Friday, July 30, 2010

The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying:
'That would be rude and impolite’.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said:
'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the
word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny said:
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Nothing going right?

A  little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. 

"Well,  whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly,  as the little guy bursts into tears.  

"Come  on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd  CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."  

"This  is the worst day of my life," says the little  guy.

“I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting,  and my Boss fired me. When I went to the car park, I found my car stolen and I don't have any  insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took  home. I found my wife in bed with the milk man and then my dog bit me. So  I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all ....  I  buy a drink,  drop the capsule in it and while I sit here watching the poison dissolve; a smart ass  like you shows up and drinks the whole  bloody lot.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Find out your TRUE role model

It is truly remarkable just how accurate this is!

FIRST, do the simple math . THEN, scroll down to find your hero.
1)  Pick your favorite number between 1 and 8
2)  Multiply your choice by 3
3)  Add 3
4)  Multiply again by 3
5) You'll get a 2 digit number.....maybe 42, for example
6) Add the digits together.  Example 4 and 2 = 6

That number, is  your ROLE MODEL below:
1.  Albert Einstein
2.  Jonathan Ross
3.  The Pope
4.  Margaret Thatcher
5.  Bill Gates

6.  Gandhi

7.  Winston Churchill
8.  David Beckham
9.  Gordon Wood

10. Cherie Blair
11. Gordon Brown
12. Dalai Lama

P.S. Stop picking different numbers!! Your idol will not be changed , just deal wit it !!!!!! And one day you can be the same.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Sheep are not so dumb!!

Whitesheep A guy with land near Auckland buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. 

'No,' she says, 'but they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Best Caddy Comment

Best Caddy Comment #10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."

Best Caddy Comment #9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Best Caddy Comment #8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Best Caddy Comment #7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Best Caddy Comment #6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a

Best Caddy Comment #5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too
much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Best Caddy Comment #4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Best Caddy Comment #3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Best Caddy Comment #2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

and the #1 Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

The law of wild is kill only when hungry!

Photographer Michel  Denis-Huot, captured these pictures on safari in Kenya 's Masai Mara in October last year, He was astounded by what he saw and told this story:

"These three cheetah brothers have been living together since they left their mother at  about 18 months old,' he said.

On the morning we saw them, they  seemed not to be hungry, walking quickly but stopping sometimes to play together. 'At one point, they met a group of impala who ran away. But one youngster was not quick enough and the brothers caught it easily'".

These extraordinary scenes followed.


















Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Is there sex in the here after?

image A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is  sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. 
True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion ....  Marion " 
"Is that you, Bob?" 
"Yes,  I've come back like we agreed." 
"That's  wonderful!  What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf  course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. 
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course,  then pretty much have sex the  rest of the afternoon. 
After supper, it's back to golf course again. 
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the  next day it starts all over again" 
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?" 
"No.... I'm a rabbit in Otago.”

Monday, July 12, 2010

Irish diets do work.

clip_image001An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor having lost nearly 60lbs! "That's amazing!" said the doc , "Did you follow my instructions?" 

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from the f**kin' skippin”

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Short and Sweet


Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.


A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!


Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watching?' Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'


A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'


Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!


An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

My Dog


Scottish Terrier (9 years)

I went down this morning to sign up my dog for unemployment benefit.

At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw unemployment".

So I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no friggin clue who his father is.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My Dog gets his first cheque on Friday!

Damn this is a great country.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Mixed Emotions

Bob and Lynda were sitting watching a TV program about psychology that was explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". 

Bob turned to Lynda and said, " that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

LYNDA said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Reasons to like Beer (by 7 year olds

A handful of 7-year-old children were asked, "What they thought of beer." Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching. "

I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets." Tim, 7 years old  "

Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. "

Melanie, 7 years old  "My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny."Grady, 7 years old  "

My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing." Toby, 7 years old 

"My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he should not have too much. Sarah, 7 years old 

"My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool." Lilly, 7 years old  "

I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting." Ethan, 7 years old  "

I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep." Shirley, 7 years old  "

My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense." Jack, 7 years old.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Aussie trucker and the Emu

clip_image001An Aussie truckle walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The Truckie says , 'A hamburger, chips,' and he turns to the Emu and says 'What's yours?' The Emu says: 'Sounds great, I'll have the  same,'

Soon the waitress brings the order 'That will be $9.40  please,' and the Truckie pulls out the exact change and pays.

Next day, the Truckie and emu come and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke and the emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.' Again the truckie pays with exact change. This becomes routine as the waitress always says “The usual? as they come in.'

But on Friday night, the Truckie says no so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. Same for me,' says the emu. 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again exact is places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'  

'Well, love' says  the  truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'  

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'  

The truckie pauses and sighs, before he and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

What’s for dinner darling

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s’ voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my Love?  Chicken,beef or lamb?" 

I said,"Thank you, I'll have chicken." She replied"You're having soup, arsehole. I was talking to the cat."


The following article is circulating the internet. It reads like it originated in North America somewhere and is about the dangers of buying Chinese food product. It warns to:

WATCH WHAT YOU BUY. ESPECIALLY HIGHLINER FISH PRODUCTS; all come from China, even though the box says 'product of Canada', it is from China and 'processed' in Canada, that is, the coating is added and packaged in Canada only! The fish are raised in pens using chemicals that are banned in Canada as cancer causing but legal in China . This was exposed on CBC TV's Marketplace.

The story also has some disturbing pictures that if they truly depict what is going on there. it is a concern. I would venture to add that it may not only applicable to China. But it makes you think about how food is processed and to consider at its source.


The world is scared of Chinese made 'black hearted goods'.


But can you differentiate the ones is made in the USA , Philippines , Taiwan or China ? The first 3 digits of the barcode tell you the country code wherein the product was made.

E.g. Barcodes starting with 690 until 695 are all MADE IN CHINA. 471 is Made in Taiwan. clip_image001
Here is a bigger list

00 ~ 13 USA & CANADA
30 ~ 37 FRANCE
40 ~ 44 GERMANY
49 ~ JAPAN
50 ~ UK
57 ~ Denmark
64 ~ Finland
76 ~ Switzerland and Lienchtenstein
628 ~ Saudi-Arabia
629 ~ United Arab Emirates
740 ~ 745 - Central America
All 480 Codes are Made in the Philippines

For specifics on goods from a China should alert you to read labels and always buy fresh when you can.

Well, are you enjoying seeing Chinese food popping up in your supermarket left and right? Have you noticed you can't buy a single package of fish that isn't made in China (or Vietnam )? Do you think your food from China is processed in a sanitary manner, and thus safe to eat?

Have you a taste for chicken?  Take a look at this!!

These undercover enclosed pictures speak a thousand words. Avoid buying all processed food packaged in China. Anything goes! We just don't know what else is in those packages. Unlike in the U.S. and CANADA , China does not have laws regulating food processing.
Basically, do not buy any processed food from China , also Hong Kong , too. MANY companies are using a Hong Kong address to avoid this type of image reputation.

Early dawn, starts the day by riding around to collect dead chickens.

Total of 5 riders are hired by the boss to ride to farms to buy dead chickens.

A dead chicken cost 1 RMB and would be sold at 9 RMB after processing.

Storage for the dead chickens in the court yard.

Carcasses are thrown everywhere.

And on the floor....
Four employees start de-feathering the dead fowl after soaking in boiling water from a rusty wok.


Enduring the pungent odor, but sometimes, it gets so terrible that even the most experienced of the workers would puke.

Workers rushing to get the chickens de-feathered.

A discarded bath tub being used to soak the bare skin dead chickens.... The contaminated water would have accelerated the decomposition process.

Wearing slippers walking among the chickens before the coloring processing.

After the color dye, its creepy to find that they are quite



And now presenting the mouth watering Charcoal Roasted Chicken!


Other sources for the story http://www.oztion.com.au/Community/topic.aspx?t=news&tid=398145

Monday, July 5, 2010

Letters on the Refrigerator

My  Dear Wife,
You will surely  understand that I have certain needs that you,  being 54years old, can no longer satisfy. I  am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.  Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope  that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I  will be spending the evening with my 18 year old  secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't  be upset----I shall be home before midnight.

Your ever-loving



When the  man came home late that night, he  found the following letter on the dining room  table:

My Dear  Husband,

I  received your letter and thank you for your  honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity  to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a  math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you  that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of  my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young,  virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years  old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent  knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times  than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home  until sometime tomorrow.

Your ever-loving


Sunday, July 4, 2010

This Beats a Car Wash

image Earlier this week Russian airline Avianova aired this commercial, which shows a team of bikini-clad flight attendants washing an airplane while a gaggle of men watch, and caused quite a controversy.

The Australian newspaper The Daily Telegraph reported that Secretary of the Flight Attendants Association of Australia Jo-Ann Davidson said ads like this "put flight attendants at risk."

"This type of provocative advertising using cabin crew in this light is not tolerated in Australia and should not be acceptable anywhere else," Ms Davidson said, according to the Telegraph.

The Australian newspaper also accused a number of other airlines of objectifying flight attendants too, from the UK's Ryanair to our very own Southwest Airlines.

Looks like the Huffington post is short of news. They ran this story,http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/07/03/avianova-airlines-racy-co_n_634689.html

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Investing with hindsight


Check the guy in the Check the  guy on the lower left, that's Bill Gates.His founding partner Paul Allen, now the owner of the Seattle Seahawks with a net worth around $20 billion is on the far right, lower corner!!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Advice for all illegal immigrants.

If you are trapped in a burning boat, seriously injured or bleeding to death, the new emergency phone number is:-

























Then press the Hash #  key

Thank You For Your Patience,

help is on the way!