"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Proof-reading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Here are some editor slip-ups in some British Newspapers headlines

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter


SGV Tribune editor took two or three readings before he realized what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
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War Dims Hope for Peace
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
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And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

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Sunday, November 27, 2011

Spaghetti and Meat Balls

imageFor years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided  she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or  his marriage they agree she should get a settlement and go back  to Italy to secretly have the  child. Then he would continue providing for her and the child until it was 18.

But one complex matter remained as to how he would know discretely when the baby was born. The solution they agreed was she would mail a post card with 'Spaghetti' written on the back when the child was  born. He would then arrange for the Child Support to begin.

Eight months later, he came home to his confused  wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card  today.' and handed it to him to read. As he read the card,  he turned white, and then fainted.

On the card was  written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,  Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra  sauce!!!!!

Saturday, November 26, 2011

It seems size does matter

imageThree dogs began a conversation in the waiting room at the vet. The Black Labrador asked the yellow Labrador

“Why are you here?"

"I'm a pisser” he said. “I piss on everything.....the sofa, curtains, the cat, the kids. But last night when I  pissed in my owner's bed. and that was it she is cutting my nuts off," as she reckons it'll calm me down.

So why are you here?"

"I'm a digger. the Black lab replied “I dig under fences, flowers trees just about anything for the hell of it.But last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." "So it looks like I'm losing my nuts too," said the dejected Blackie.

Then both labs then turned to the Great Dane and asked,

"Ok Why are you here big guy?

"I'm a Humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump just about anything; the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, almost whatever I see. But yesterday when my owner got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I jumped on her back and started humping away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said in harmony ,

"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane seeming quite unmoved calmly replied,

"No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped! "

Friday, November 25, 2011

Smart Ass

imageTwo young businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, and in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them, They didn't get old by being stupid!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

She’s Got Balls

imageWhy people say “GROW SOME BALLS” Balls are weak and sensitive. If you really want to get tough, grow a vagina. Those things take a pounding!

……………………….Betty White

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

A TALE OF TWO VASECTOMIES.

imageA man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.  Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has sex with him.

Upon completion the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.

The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to perform thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient, and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.  While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there"?

The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care!"

Can a CEO ever screw up?

 

imageA notable firm hired a new CEO. determined to purge the company of slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the He noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The plant was full of workers and he wanted to let them know he meant business.

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
Surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." and went back to his office.

He came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did around here?"

From across the room a voice said, "He’s the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Monday, November 21, 2011

Grandmas

imageA doctor that had been seeing a 80 Year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.  At her last checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.  As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL PILLS?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep."

She reach out and patted the young doctor's knee.  Yes dear, I know that.  But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in a glass of orange juice that my 16 year-old granddaughter drinks.  And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Some Best Quotes


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An illegal immigrant in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up killing the deputy who stopped him.

The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range.  Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.

A state-wide manhunt ensued.

The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area and as soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68 times.

Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor undocumented immigrant 68 times.Sheriff Grady Judd (pictured) told the Orlando Sentinel: "Because that's all the ammunition we had."

Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what?

The Coroner also reported that the illegal man died of natural causes. When asked by a reporter how that could be since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied

"When you are shot 68 times, you are, naturally, gonna die."

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Employee of the Month

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We have a winner!!

Multi-tasking at its best!

This is the level of dedication we expect from all staff! .....

Interesting too that laptop spelled backwards is potpal

Friday, November 18, 2011

Are we Shagging or Parking?

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Don’t mess with Old People

imageA little old lady went to the store to buy cat food. The girl at the cash register said,  "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have  a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, so we need proof you have a cat first."

The little old lady went home, and brought back back her cat and got her cat food. The Then she tried to buy two cans of  dog food. Again the cashier had the same story, so she went home and brought in her dog. and was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in  a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to  stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a  snake in there."

The little old lady assured nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger  into the box and quickly pulled it out.  "That smells like shit."
”Yes” little old lady said, I want  to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

Don’t mess with Old People

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The Tug Toner Exerciser: As seen on TV

Here you go Maz, get one of the for Barry,

Sent in by Ian Oliver – yes mate one your best yet!

Racism on British Airways

imageThe scene was on a British Airways flight between Johannesburg and London.

When boarding a white skin woman, found she was seated next to a man with black skin.

The woman immediately called the air Hostess and said  “You seated me next to a black man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group.Give me an alternative seat.'

'Be calm please,' the hostess replied. 'Almost all the places on this Flight are taken. But I will go to see if another place is available.'

The Hostess came back a few minutes later. 'Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the economy class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there are none in the business class. either, but we still have one place in first class.'

Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued: 'It is not usual for our company to permit someone from economy class to sit in the first  class. In circumstances however, the captain feels it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so disgusting.

' She then turned to the black guy, and said, Sir, if you would like to,  please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in first class.'

The other passengers all watching in horror,  then stood and applauded.

~000~

This is apparently  a true story.

Customer service

imageCowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.

CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?

Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Sacred Games

imageIn Scotland, many years ago, a new game was invented for Gents.

It was found to be a legitimate haven for men who wanted a place to go to get away from the their omnipresent wives.

Hence the rule 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'..was applied.
From this the game eventually became know GOLF had its origins with a new word entered into the English language.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Winner Bridle: Go Aussie Go

imageAn Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room. He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed." The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?' The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied: "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

Friday, November 11, 2011

Has the cat got you Tongue? they asked.

imageCalling in sick no matter how legitimate my excuse, I always feel my boss thinks I'm lying.

Recently, I had a valid reason but the truth was too humiliating. So I just said I had a head injury, and reasoned, I could think up something later to explain how it happened.

The accident occurred mainly because wife's adopted a cute little kitty.

On that morning, while in the shower she call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead. Please come & reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested still in the shower .
I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts and sucks me in?'
There was a pause then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping my silent outraged nudity would show how I perceived her behaviour as cowardly.

Sighing, I stuck my head under the sink and it was the last I remember.

Without warning, at the precise moment I was most vulnerable, our new kitty leapt at the toys dangling between my legs and snagged them with her needle-like claws

I lost all rational control of orderly bodily movements, and rising violently rate, as the the full weight of a kitten delivered indescribable pain to my testicles, my head hit the sink so forcefully it knocked me out cold.

I awoke, to find my wife and some paramedics standing over me. There are not many things in this life worse than lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.

Even worse the paramedics, who by now knew the story, did their work, while unsuccessfully attempting to suppress their hysterical laughter.

But I lived through it all and few days later I made it back in to work.

My colleagues tried to coax an explanation but I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. .

What's the matter?' They asked, 'Did the cat bite your tongue?'
“Something like that,  I said

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Trivia Answers

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone

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Coca-Cola was originally green.
 
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.

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The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
 
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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David
 
Hearts - Charlemagne
 
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
 
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.

If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died of wounds in battle.

If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

The Driver's License


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A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
'Mommy,
'the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,'How much do you weigh?'


'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks,'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!' The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'clip_image002

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'


'Oh really?' the mother asks.
'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

Monday, November 7, 2011

Nudist Colony Rules

clip_image001A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'  The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old.

I only get an erection once a month but I fart 15 times a day!!'

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Marketing tips

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1.You meet a gorgeous girl and say: "I’m very rich. Marry me!" - *That's Direct Marketing.*

2. . Your friends says to a gorgeous girl: "He's very rich. Marry him." – * That's Advertising.*

3. You get a gorgeous girl’s  telephone number and you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." - * That's Telemarketing.*

4. You see a gorgeous girl. in a bar and straighten your tie, walk up to her, and buy her a drink, , you pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" - * That's Public Relations.*

5. A a a gorgeous girl. walks up to you and says: "You are very rich! Will you marry ! me?" - * That's Brand Recognition.*

6. You see a gorgeous girl and go up to her and say: I am very rich. Marry me! "She gives you a hard slap on your face."- * That's Customer Feedback*

7. To a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband.- * That's demand and supply gap*

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her but another person comes to tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him. -* That's competition eating into your market share*

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. Before can you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - * That's restriction for entering new markets*

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Dyslectic Cockup

imageWhen Daylight saving ended, I visited a dyslectic friend and found him covering his penis with black shoe polish.

The poor man had misread the news to “turn his clock back."

Thursday, November 3, 2011

The Candy With The Hole

This should make you smile. You have to love little kids.
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Using Lifesavers a school teacher had her children learning to identify flavors by their color:
Red....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ..............Orange

All the kids did well until the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the bids could identify the taste.

'I will give you all a clue,” The teacher said

It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl ,immediately looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!