Miss Daisy

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This  woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Between the Thorns

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. After the meal, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,

'Last night we went out to a  new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said,  'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know..... The one that's red and has thorns? '

Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,'  replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

~000~

New Tine for Hearing

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.

It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's      

perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'

~ooo~

Hard of Hearing

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..

~0000”

Bill Clinton’s Daily Jog

Bill Clinton recently started a daily jogging routine near his home and on the same street corner each day he had to jog past a hooker standing there.

At first he would brace himself as she would cry out from the curb. "Fifty dollars!"

This ritual changed when one day Bill decided to take the offensive and began to call back "No, Five dollars!"

When Hillary retired as the secretary of state, she decided to accompany Bill.

As they neared the problematic street corner, Bill worried what Hilary would think he'd really been doing when the pro barked her $50 offer

Sure enough, the hooker was there, but this time, she yelled, "See what you get for five bucks!?"

~000~

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity in retirement.

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars...watch 'em Slow Down\
2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'
3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing Along At The Opera.
6. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7. When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
8. Tell Your Children over dinner: 'Due to the economy,we are going to have to let one of you go...
9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
   And : my favorite.to Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
10. 10. Go to a large Department store?s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out: “THERE IS NO PAPER IN HERE”!

162 years ago

Did you know that 162 years ago, in 1850, California became a state, there was no electricity, the state had no money, almost everyone spoke Spanish and there were gunfights in the streets.

So basically nothing has changed, except then the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.

Wetherspoons in Billericay

A group of mates , all aged 40 discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was decided they would meet at Wetherspoons in Billericay because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini skirts.
Ten years later at the age of 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Billericay because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60 the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoons in Billericay because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70 the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoons in Billericay because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had easy access to the toilets.

Ten years later at the age of 80 the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoons in Billericay because they had never been there before.

Old Age at its BEST

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes  go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.

The Unstoppable Virus

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960. Symptoms: 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that! 2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail !that too! 3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep! 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha! 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn! 6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh, no -not again! 7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that! 8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."Oh No! IT IS CALLED THE  "C-NILE VIRUS."

UK EATING IN THE FIFTIES

* Pasta we did not think had been invented.

* Curry was an unknown

* Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet

* Spices came from the Middle East and used for embalming

* Herbs were used to make rather dodgy medicine.

* A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

* A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

** The only vegetables were spuds, peas, carrots and cabbage, anything else was regarded as  suspicious.

* All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.

* Condiments consisted of salt, pepper, vinegar and brown sauce if we were lucky.

* Coke was something that we mixed with coal to make it last longer.

* Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.

* A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

* A microwave was something out of a science fiction movie.

* Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

* Oil was for lubricating your bike not for cooking, fat was for cooking

* Bread and jam was a treat.

* Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves, not bags.

* The tea cosy was the forerunner of all the energy saving devices that we hear so much about today.

* Tea had only one colour, black. Green tea was not British.

* Coffee was only drunk when we had no tea….. and then it was Camp, and came in a bottle.

* Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

* Figs and dates appeared every Christmas, but no one ever ate them.

* Coconuts only appeared when the fair came to town.

* Salad cream was a dressing for salads, mayonnaise did not exist

* Hors d'oeuvre was a spelling mistake.

* Soup was a main meal.

* The menu consisted of what we were given, and was set in stone.

* Only Heinz made beans, there were no others.

* Leftovers went in the dog, never in the bin.

* Special food for dogs and cats was unheard of.

* Sauce was either brown or red.

* Fish was only eaten on Fridays.

* Fish and chips was always wrapped in old newspapers, and definitely tasted better that way.

* Frozen food was called ice cream.

* Nothing ever went off in the fridge because we never had one.

* Ice cream only came in one flavour, vanilla.

* None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

* Jelly and blancmange was strictly party food.

* Healthy food had to have the ability to stick to your ribs.

* Indian restaurants were only found in India .

* Cheese only came in a hard lump.

* A bun was a small cake that your Mum made in the oven.

* Eating out was called a picnic.

* Cooking outside was called camping.

* Eggs only came fried or boiled.

* Hot cross buns were only eaten at Easter time.

* Pancakes were only eaten on Shrove Tuesday – and on that day it was compulsory.

* Cornflakes had just arrived from America but it was obvious that they would never catch on.

* Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

* Prunes were purely medicinal.

* Surprisingly muesli was readily available in those days, it was called cattle feed.

* Turkeys were definitely seasonal.

* Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

* We didn't eat Croissants because we couldn't pronounce them, we couldn't spell them and or know what they were.

* Garlic was used to ward off vampires, but never used to flavour bread.

* Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging treble for it they would be laughing stock.

* Food hygiene was about washing your hands before meals.

* Campylobacter, Salmonella, E.coli, Listeria, and Botulism were all called "food poisoning.

The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties …. ELBOWS

A short neurological test

1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

If you passed these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having Alzheimer’s.

Story behind this photo of Queen Liz having so much fun

H.M. The Queen, accompanied by H.R.H. Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, paid a Jubilee visit to Nottingham.

During the three hours in the East Midlands city, they attended a children’s event in which the 5-to-10 year olds were asked to present something to celebrate the Jubilee.

Out of the more than 1,000 children attending, six were chosen to give their own speech to the Queen, of 50 words or less, that expressed their devotion and admiration for Her Majesty’s long reign.

The last child to say his piece was 8-year-old Devon Parker who stood at the microphone 25 feet in front of the Queen.and said,

“Your Majesty, I think you are the nicest old lady in all of England , but I wish you weren’t so old because, if you were younger, you would live a lot longer.

Thank you very much.”

The Queen’s reaction and reportedly her response:

“Now, what can I say to that!?”

PRICELESS.

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Wealthy Widower Marries

Bob, a 70-year-old  extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-woman on his arm.

His buddies at the very first chance corner him to ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'

Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'

They are gobsmacked but persist, OK so how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies smiling

'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Beaming now Bob chortles ‘No I told her I was 90”

Where is my Sunday paper?

An irate customer called the newspaper office, She loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam",  said the newspaper staff, "today is Saturday.  The Sunday paper is not delivered until  tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by  a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,  ....
"Well, shit, that explains why no one  was at church either.

Car Stickers for Senior Citterns

I believe on having sex on first data because I may not get another

I don't think about dying, That is the last thing I want to do.

I am speeding because I want to get there before I forget where I am going

I bequeath...

A BLOKE SAT IN HIS ARMCHAIR AND SHOUTS TO HIS WIFE, "WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU LOVE!" SHE SHOUTS BACK "YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY BASTARD!!"

Jewish Sunbathing In Florida

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers, Florida. She noticed that a man her age, also in good shape place his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied as he continued reading.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago. Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Anger Management

A couple, married for 40 years, were out sitting on a park bench watching the world go by and chatting about the secret to their happy marriage. This was part of their conversation.

Man: " Whenever I get mad at you, you never seem to get upset. How do you manage to control your temper?"
Woman: "I just go and clean the toilet."
Man: "How does that help?"
Woman: "I use your toothbrush."