"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Retirement At 65


 Upon reaching 65, Bob decided to retire.  After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him.  She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby.  Bob obliged and went out for a couple of hours.. 
When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys.  And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.

"What?  Are you nuts?  You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

"Yeah, look I even got a membership card." 

"You crazy old man, where's your glasses!  This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!" 

"Oh, great!  Now what am I going to do?  I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Top This one For A Speeding Ticket

Two Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of  Oceanside , San Diego , California ..

clip_image001One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.  The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.

The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.


Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near this, it's home base location.

Back at the California Highway Patrol Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the US Marine Corps. Base Commander for shutting down his equipment.

The reply came back in true USMC style:

'Thank you for your letter

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.

Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.'

Semper Fi

I no speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very good in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Ok so now you can scroll down to see the punch line)

What are were you thinking?

Her husband speaks English dummy!

Now get back to your emails. I worry about you Sometimes!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Not so fast

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,  

He smiled at her and replied,

She looked puzzled and repeated,
"T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered,

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,

The man smiled back to her and once again,

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered,
"'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.

{i’ll pay that too one Maz. had me too)

And you thought the good ideas were all taken!




















Sorta Gives new meaning to the terms  

Low rider, high tide, and full moon!

Not to mention: Crack kills!


Obama’s new pet


Wednesday, February 24, 2010


An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. 
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"   
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 
"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,

considering that you are blind,  that you should know five things: 
       1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 
       2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 
       3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black

belt in karate. 
       4.. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 
      5.   The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 
Now, think about it seriously, Mister.  Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 
"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


(oldie but still a good one.I am surprised we have not had this one before. Thanks Maz)

Stories with a moral

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their Parents to  tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff:? spilled milk and
pennies saved.? But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Johnnie was left.

'Jonnie, do you have a story to share?'? 'Yes ma'am.? My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.? She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.? She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.? She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her Parachute landed her
right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.? She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.? 'What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?'?

'Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.'

Monday, February 22, 2010

Life is for living photo collection

Here is a collection of photos of the young at heart.
it is subtitled

Live  long enough to be a REAL concern to your  kids




Wisdom Of A Retiree !!
I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired? Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.

9/11 in the US never leaves the news

Detective Greg Semendinger discusses with Rachel Maddow newly released photos he took of the collapsing twin towers of the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

The also is story is this MSNBC write up.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Older Women Are So Reasonable

After being married for 40 years, i took a careful look at my wife one day and said, '40 years ago we had a cheap flat, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white tv, but i got to sleep every night with a hot 20-year-old girl".

Now i have a $2,000,000.00 home, a $95,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen tv, but I'm imagesleeping with a 60-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.'

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 20-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap flat, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

If you are wondering if the photo is Susan Sarandon. well it is. Not bad for someone over sixty is she? 

Making the most of a Saturday morning.

Quiz Mastermind

Here are some great questions to ask your work colleagues :

First Question

You are a participant in a race.

You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
imageAnswer : If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely WRONG! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, so you are in second place!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
imageAnswer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are WRONG again. Tell me Sunshine, how can you overtake the LAST person??  You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question :

Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Scroll down for the correct answer..... image Did you get 5000 ? Well the correct answer is actually 4100. If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!

Today is definitely not your day, is it ?   Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe... 

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,  4. Nono, and ???  What is the name of the fifth daughter? 
Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.

Her name is  Mary! Read the question again!

Okay, now the Bonus round,

i.e., a final chance to redeem yourself:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

It's really very simple. He opens his mouth and ask for it...

Does your employer actually pay you to think??

If so Do NOT let them see your answers for this test!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Politicians for dinner

image Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,

'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me? We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating? ' Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?' '

Down the other side of the swamp near the Parliament parking area. '

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Holden cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, and shake the shit out of them then eat 'em!' '

Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole with a briefcase."

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Speed of Light in Contrast

It is a well know fact that light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until your hear them speak…

Monday, February 15, 2010


image This is INCREDIBLE!. Every song they ever made?

Yes there is a web site with every song and all the lyrics.

Got to it here or click on the picture>


Saturday, February 13, 2010

New concept of a hole in one

image imageThe Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day

Because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "But ", the clerk explains,

"it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven

They stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late."