"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

What does marriage really mean?

There are definably a lot of people with much to much time on their hands to come up with these “What does marriage really mean” cartoons.












Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Senior citizens didn’t take the melody out of music!!


clip_image001With a few exceptions this about says it all.


Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, 
real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:

The melody out of music, 
pride out of appearance, 
courtesy out of driving, 
romance out of love, 
commitment out of marriage, 
responsibility out of parenthood, 
togetherness out of the family, 
learning out of education, 
service out of patriotism, 
Golden Rule from rulers, 
nativity scene out of cities, 
civility out of behavior, 
refinement out of language, 
dedication out of employment, 
prudence out of spending, 
ambition out of achievement,
out of government and school. 
And we certainly are
NOT the ones who

eliminated patience and 

tolerance from

personal relationships and interactions with others!!


I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m. 
I'm very good at opening childproof caps.... with a hammer. 
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going. 
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying. 
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over... 
I'm aware other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine. 
I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.


I'm not really grouchy,  I just don't like traffic, waiting in long lines, crowds, lawyers, unruly kids barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere. 
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like..... 
I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps. 
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?

I wonder, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150? 

And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes? 
I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.


Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life! 

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more too!

Now- Have I already sent this to you??????? If so, I'll try not to do it again
(for a while.)
clip_image007 I love this little fellow.  Have a great week.


"Don't ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up"


Monday, December 26, 2011


imageA gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork, and was burned out.  Hoping to try another career where
skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a  mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could.  When the time of the
practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for
weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came
back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"   "The instructor said, "During the exam,you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50%of the mark."  

   After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler,which I've never seen done in my entire career".

Saturday, December 24, 2011

The Irish Prostitute

clover.gifAn Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 yeas. On her return, her father cursed her heavily.

Where have you been all this time, child? Why didn’t you or drop a line? Why didn't you call? Can you understand what you put your old Mother thru?'

Crying she sniffed ...Dad.I became a prostitute.'

'You what!!? Get outta here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as you wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, and title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.

For my little brother, this gold Rolex.

And for you, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club.. (takes a breath). and an invitation for you all to spend New Years Eve on my new yacht in the Riviera .'

With a change of tone her Dad asked. What was it you said you had become?'

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff... a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! You scared me half to death, girl!

I thought you said a Protestant. man.gif

Friday, December 23, 2011

The Times We Live In (Computers)

When we watched the Simpsons and laughed, we realized dysfunctional society was the norm. Everyone else was of course – but not normal old us.

Now we laugh at a differed form of dysfunctional behavior as all generations are either addicted to their computers or still ok as a bunch of Luddites.

My son, Trevor Wood, at http://SawbonesOnline.com, and now a seasoned cartoonist,  taught me to see the best humour is the stuff that sends up real life.

Trish Stevens sent this on today and it has reaffirmed his lesson.- Enjoy


Thursday, December 22, 2011

Irish African Art

imageAt the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked on a park bench.

Two had black penises, but the one in the middle his was pink.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on over and spent time to explained how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said,
"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal-miners.

The guy in the middle just went home for lunch."

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Are Italian Lovers Best

imageA virile, middle-aged Italian man named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he met a spectacular young blond woman.

He invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time
she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to
him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,

No, I’m Norwegian".

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Hell for 6 inches

imageComing into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We jumped into bed and we were about to make love when her husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on."When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch pissed out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished.See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but you know what , REALLY pissed me off?

When I looked down and saw my feet were only SIX INCHES off the ground !!!!!!!

Monday, December 19, 2011

Elvis & Lisa Marie Presley Duet

Elvis died in 1977 when his daughter, Lisa Marie was eleven.

Technology now units father and daughter to sing together.
He sang this song in 1968 and Lisa Marie in 2008.
Long live the King and this technology that keeps him ageless …

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Father Of The Year

imageA man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,

"Are all of those kids yours?"

"No Ma'am, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints

Don't you wish you could think that fast?

Friday, December 16, 2011

Beach Sex Education

imageA mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the more silly the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad's.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is' Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother, 'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'

Thursday, December 15, 2011


imageOut of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!  And Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles,but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents!

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game,
all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like...Helloooooooooooooo? It's only 25 cents!

Missing the Point for Heavens Sake

imageOnce there were two brothers. One brother was mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife. One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven.

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish," God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Card Tricks- How did he do that?



Have a laugh and enjoy. It could only happen in New York

Girl Lodger and the Tin Bath

imageA couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. The woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, and if she wanted to bath, she could use a tin tub in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed so the next Monday after her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match,the girl undressed and took her ablutions. The woman sat knitting as she did and was surprised to see the girl didn't have any pubic hair.

She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. When he didn't believe her, so she said: "OK next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a bit early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

The next Monday, as the girl undressed, she asked her, "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never had hair down there.
Do you?"
"Yes," said the woman, as she pulled up her dress and showed her .

When the Husband got
home, the wife asked him , "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why are you worried about that ?" she quizzed. "You've seen it often."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"

Sex on another beach

imageA widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Boca Raton, Florida.

She looked up, and noticed that a man about her age had walked up, placed
his blanket on the sand next to hers, and begun reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
'Hello, sir, how are you today? '

'Fine, thank you,' he responded, and turned back to his book.
'I love the beach. Do you come here often?' she asked.

'First time since my wife passed away two years ago,' he replied and
turned back to his book.

'I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it has
been very lonely,' she countered.

'Do you live around here?' she asked.
'Yes, I live over in Sun,' he answered, and again resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted.
'Do you like pussycats? '

With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to
hers,tore off her swimsuit, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

When the cloud of sand began to settle, the widow gasped and asked the

'How did you know that was what I wanted?'

The man replied, 'How did you know my name was Katz?'

Intensive Care Networking

imageA man, nearly comatose, was placed in intensive care with needles stuck everywhere, tubes running over his disease-ridden body like a spider's web,

A week later, a second man is put in the same room in the same condition.

Both men lay there, near death, machines pinging, oxygen tubes puffing,
monitors ding-donging, lights flashing.

After a few days, one of the men summoned the strength to weakly raise his hand and catch the other man's attention.
He pointed to himself and wheezed out, "Jim."
The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, "Paddy."

This act tired them both out so badly it was another day or two before they
had the strength to try again. The first man weakly pointed to himself and murmured in almost inaudible tones, "Scottish."

The second man replied, "Irish."

Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep.

In another couple of days they were at it again. Jim took several deep breaths, then summoned up the strength to cough out,"Glasgow."

Paddy whispered back, "Dublin."

This time they were both a little stronger and could continue.
"Cancer", said Jim.

"Sagittarius," replied Paddy.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Four Old Ladies Car Accident Voicemail

First hand witness account recorded on a voicemail about an accident involving four little old ladies Believe it or not, but it is Hilarious !!!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Paddy bombs out


imagePaddy and Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station. 
Mick says, "What if one explodes before we get there?" 

Paddy:  "We’ll lie and say we only found two."

This video has noting do do with the joke. I just like John Cleese, who we know is not Irish either but may as well be.


clip_image001[3]1 You accidentally enter your password on the microwave..,
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3...
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you...
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses...
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries...
7. Every TV commercial on has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this..
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled backup to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.


Saturday, December 10, 2011

Jewish Modesty

imageA Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion after a dinner.

Catholic: “I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank!”

Protestant: “I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!”

Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince.... I intend to purchase Microsoft!”

They then all wait for the Jew to speak....The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, and takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:

“I’m sorry but I'm not selling!!!”

Friday, December 9, 2011

Wives of yesterday, today and tomorrow

imageA new husband saved his brides number on his mobile as "My life"
After one year of marriage he changed it to  "My Wife"
After 2 years of marriage he changed the number to "Home"
After 5 years of marriage he changed the number to "Hitler"
After 10 years of marriage he changed the number to "Wrong Number"

Thursday, December 8, 2011

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral

A prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral.

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service attended by his colleagues, family and friends.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, a mourner burst out laughing and all eyes turned to stare.

'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'


Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Blue Tooth and Wi-Fi- The difference


Blue tooth is like a Man, connecting to his favorite when near but always on the look out for others as soon as she is are away. On the other hand Wi-Fi is like a women who see all available men but only connect to the strongest one.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Charles de Gaulle in Honor

imageWhen Charles de Gaulle retired from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.

At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife who did not speak French was talking with Madame de Gaulle:

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, on the French and international scene for so many years! What are you both looking forward to in your retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table as heard her answer......

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said:

"Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, "appiness!'"