"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

A New Wine for Seniors

I kid you not...




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South Australian vintners in the Barossa Valley , which produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot
Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic!


It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people make to the toilet during the night. The new wine will be marketed as


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PINO MORE

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I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!

I just couldn't help it!
 

Monday, November 29, 2010

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Photo on the Night Stand

imageAfter a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.'  

New Procedure to Test for Prostate Cancer

imageAn old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

 
The old guy obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great".
Now turn over on your left side and again, while repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'."
The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.  The old guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three".

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

PS I love this job..I get to find all the suitable the pictures for the jokes you send in…Ed

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Police ticket issue video comment recordings

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The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country.

Count down to #1...


#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."


# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."\

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. "

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend
of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

The envelope please.............AND THE WINNER IS ...

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Extraordinary scenes of the Cheetah brothers

Photographer Michel Denis-Huot, who captured these amazing pictures on safari in Kenya's Masai Mara in October last year, said he was astounded by what he saw:

"These three cheetah brothers have been living together since they left their mother at about 18 months old,' he said. 'On the morning we saw them, they seemed not to be hungry, walking quickly but stopping sometimes to play together.

'At one point, they met a group of Impala who ran away. But one young Impala was not quick enough and the brothers caught it easily'".

These extraordinary scenes followed.

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Winner of the Work & Life / Diversity Initiative Award -  EEO Trust Work & Life Awards 2009 and New Zealand Recreation Association Outstanding Park Award  Barry Curtis Park

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

CELIBACY

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a IT can be imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Encounter weekend, Ray and his wife Julie listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

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He addressed the men,

'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Ray leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered, 'It's self- raising, isn't it?'

And thus began Ray's life of celibacy

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Sunday, November 21, 2010

Good Question Son

imageA young Arab asks his father: What is this weird hat we are wearing ?


It's a "chechia" in the desert it protects our heads from the sun !

And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing ?

It's a "djbellah" in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body !

And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ?

The’re  "babouches", to keeps from burning our feet in the desert !

Tell me, papa..Why now we living in Melbourne are we still wearing all this shit ?

A Viagra moment

BLESS GRANDMA & GRANDPA..........
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Grandma and Grandpa
were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive.'

'How much?' asked Grandpa.

'$10.00 a pill,' Answered the son.

'I don't care,' said Grandpa,

'I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow.'

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.

He called Grandpa and said, 'I told you each pill was $10.00.

'I know,' said Grandpa.

'The HUNDRED is from GRANDMA!!!!!!!!'

   BLESS THEM!!!!!!!

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Saturday, November 20, 2010

Do you want the bad news first?

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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him

Friday, November 19, 2010

Lips That Touch Liquor Shall Not Touch Ours

If you had been around in 1919 and came upon the following poster I mean, seriously ... wouldn't you just keep drinking?

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Thursday, November 18, 2010

Female Wish List thru the Ages

What I want in a Man…Original List: age 20

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially successful

4. A caring listener

5. Witty

6. In good shape

7. Dresses with style

8. Appreciates finer things

9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I want in a Man…Revised List (age 32)  

1. Nice looking

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

4.  Listens more than talks

5. Laughs at my jokes

6. Carries bags of groceries with ease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal

9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 

What I want in a Man…Revised List (age 42)

1.  Not too ugly

2.  Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car

3.  Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally

4.  Nods head when I'm talking

5.  Usually remembers punch lines of jokes

6.  Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7.  Wears a shirt that covers his stomach

8.  Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

9.  Remembers to put the toilet seat down

10. Shaves most weekends

What I want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1.  Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed

2.  Doesn't belch or scratch in public

3.  Can tow a Caravan

4.  Can cook a BBQ

5.  Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times

6.  Appreciates a good TV dinner

7.  Helps with the housework

What I want in a Man…Revised List (age 62)

1.  Doesn't scare small children

2.  Remembers where I have put things

3.  Can still tow a van without causing chaos on the road

4.  Only snores lightly when asleep

5.  Remembers why he's laughing

6.  Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself

7.  Usually wears some clothes

8.  Doesn't notice my facial hair and wrinkles

9.  Remembers where he left his teeth

10. Stops trying to tell jokes

What I want in a Man…Revised List (age 72)

1.   Breathing.

2.   Doesn't miss the toilet.

3.   Remembers where we both live.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Island Castaway Irishman rescued

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An Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a  speck on the horizon. He  thought, "It's certainly not a  ship"

As the speck got closer and closer, suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.  Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

To the stunned Irishman and said, "How long has is it since you had a good cigar?" "Ten years,"  replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she unzipped a waterproof pocket in her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He  took it and slowly lit up, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," he said , "I'd almost forgotten how  great a smoke can be!" 

"An how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey ?" asked the blonde.  Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." She then reached to her right sleeve, unzipped another pocket and pulled out flask. He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!" 

At  this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked,

"And how long has it been since you played around?"  With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,  "It's been so long ... don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there , too!"

Sunday, November 14, 2010

WINTER IS COMING (I'm concerned about you)

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The Farmer's Almanac is predicting a very cold winter. 

It must be true because the squirrels are gathering NUTS.
Three of my neighbors have disappeared.

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Saturday, November 13, 2010

Daffy does Daisy

Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend calls hotel reception and asks for condoms.The receptionist says, shall I put them on your bill? and Daffy replies... Don't be thucking thupid I'd thufficate !!!!
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Thursday, November 11, 2010

Food for thought

Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.

Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.
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Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
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They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.

He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.

A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now.'

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied.  'You can play for free, every day.'
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Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony.  This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.  'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.  
This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you wan t to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again.  All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
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Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your bloody Bran Flakes.  We could have been here ten years ago!'

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Friday, November 5, 2010

Reverse Parking

You may have seen this somewhere before but would you believe I actually know the guy who parked this car.  And he not a New York parking inspector demonstrating how to park correctly.

If you think  this is me parking then I have to ask you. “Who am I”?

Maybe you think I was faking by driving out of the park and doing a quick spins and reversing so they could could run the filmed  backwards.

Well to answer you first question pundits would have you believe who else,, of course  its Jackie Chan  of course as we know he does all his own stunts and this was from his movie . “Who Am I”

If you want to see more  information about parking in a light hearted but very educational format just check out Larry’s blog. He sent me this Youtube. His blog I might add too is more than just about Parking in New York. It’s a load of fun people across the globe enjoy including me.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Tough Love

Most people now-a-days think it improper to discipline children, so, years ago, I tried other methods to  control my children, Sarah and Jonathan, when they had one of  'those  moments.'

As a pilot, I found it very effective if I simply took the offending child for a flight in whatever aircraft I was flying at the time, during which I would say nothing and give the child the opportunity to  reflect on his or her behavior.

I don't know whether it was the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, etc., but 
either way, my children usually  calmed down and stopped misbehaving after our flight together.

I believe  that eye to eye contact during these sessions was an important element in  achieving the desired results. 

As an example, I've included a  photo below of one of my sessions with my son, Jonathan, in case you would like to use  this technique.  It also works well in  cars.

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Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Smiling Corpses

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Three bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

'First today: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, inspector', says the Coroner.

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky.. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The inspector asked, 'What about the third today?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'He thought he was having his picture taken'..