"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Leadership Quotes

10 List of Leadership Quotes:

Favorite Leadership Quotes #1
Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things.

Peter F. Drucker

Favorite Leadership Quotes #2
Don't tell people how to do things, tell them what to do and let them surprise you with their results.

George S. Patton

Favorite Leadership Quotes #3
Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.

Dwight Eisenhower

Favorite Leadership Quotes #4
A leader is a dealer in hope.

Napoleon Bonaparte

Favorite Leadership Quotes #5
I must follow the people. Am I not their leader?

Benjamin Disraeli

Favorite Leadership Quotes #6
The leadership instinct you are born with is the backbone. You develop the funny bone and the wishbone that go with it.

Elaine Agather

Favorite Leadership Quotes #7
Delegating work works, provided the one delegating works, too.

Robert Half

Favorite Leadership Quotes #8
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

Groucho Marx

Favorite Leadership Quotes #9
The very essence of leadership is that you have to have vision. You can't blow an uncertain trumpet.

Theodore M. Hesburgh

Favorite Leadership Quotes #10
The best executive is the one who has sense enough to pick good men to do what he wants done, and self-restraint to keep from meddling with them while they do it.

Theodore Roosevelt

Source: http://www.famous-quotes-and-quotations.com/leadership-quotes.html

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Monday, December 28, 2009

Monday, December 21, 2009

Tractor Puzzle

Every once in a while someone might send you a puzzle.  I found one you may enjoy trying to solve.

Try and find the tractor in the following picture...

If you have never lived on a farm, it may be difficult.

You would think a tractor would be easy to find, But this is a challenge...


Hint: I think it's a green John Deere...
clip_image001Gordon I am Closing my eyes and forwarding this one geeeee!!!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Highest Position in the World

Do you know who holds the highest position in the world?

President Barack Obama? Nope.
Pope Benedict? Nope.
The Dalai Lama? Nope.

Do you want to see WHO that person is ?

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Babu Sassi, a fearless young man from southern India, is the cult hero of Dubai 's army of construction workers.

Known as the "Indian on the top of the world", Babu is the crane operator at the world's tallest building, the 819-meter Burj Dubai.

His office, the cramped crane cab perched on top of the Burj, is also his home.
It takes too long to come down to the ground each day to make it worthwhile - although, when the building is completed, its elevators will be the world's fastest.

Stories about his daily dalliance with death are discussed in revered terms by Dubai 's workers.
Some say he has been up there for more than a year, others whisper that he's paid 30,000 dirhams ($8,168) a month compared with the average wage of 800 dirhams a month.

But everyone agrees, he's worth it - because nobody else would have the courage to do the job!  

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Good old Days

Granddad was reminiscing about the good old days....................
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"When I were a boy, Momma would sent me down to t'corner store wi' a dollar, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o'
bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs.

Ya' can't do that now.
Too many f*ckin' security cameras."

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

What Next

“Wisdom is knowing what to do next,

Skill is knowing how to do it

and virtue is doing it.”

David Stare

Monday, December 14, 2009

Stoned

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint
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when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala!

What are you doing?'
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The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
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So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
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The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

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'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said,
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'Fuuuuuuck, dude...
How much water did you drink!?'

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The 11th Husband

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.

'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times?'

'Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

'Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

'Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

'Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

'Husband #5 was an Engineer,he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

'Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

'Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

'Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

'Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was.......... God I miss him.

' But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.

'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?

'You're with the GOVERNMENT..
This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Cleavage

Remember it is like looking onto the sun. You’re not supposed to stare at it.

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Sunday, December 6, 2009

Quote for today

If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.
  - P. G. Wodehouse

Autobiography is an unrivaled vehicle for telling the truth about other people.
  - Philip Guedalla

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
  - Jean-Paul Sartre

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Judge Judy

I think that this is the best quote of the decade.

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Judge to Prostitute :

" So when did you realize you were raped? "

Prostitute, (wiping away tears) :  " When the cheque bounced. "

National Health Celebrates 60 Years

image A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS   hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree.

She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'


'Do you know which ward she is in?'
'Yes, ward P, room 2B'
'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'
'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'


'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'


'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'


'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'


'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b.

Nobody tells you f**k all in here '

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Choices!

For the last few years I have been routinely updating a collection of Humour for all Occasions using from material my friends send me. Today I received this contribution from Ineke Williams in Australia. It is doing the rounds so if you have seen already you have a sense that choices are not always obvious.

Given we think about doing things a certain way, this piece stimulates alternative thinking about how we help others. Sometimes winning is not always the way people usually see it!!

It starts and ends with a question,

Would you have made the same choice? 

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.

After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection.

Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?'

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'

Then he told the this story:

Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.
In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.

Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?
Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the
plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.
The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.
As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.

Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.
Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates.

Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first!
Run to first!'

Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.
He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!'
Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.

By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball . the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'
Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third!
Shay, run to third!'

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team

'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

NOW A LITTLE FOOT NOTE TO THIS STORY:

We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the 'natural order of things.'  So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice:

Do we pass along a spark of love and humanity or do we pass up the chances? Every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate.

You now have two choices:

  1. Do Nothing
  2. Share and or Forward

I made mine. 

Cheers Gordon

Earthquake Warning System

How can you tell that an earthquake is coming?
This is lifesaving information for people who live near beaches.

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This is the most reliable (and most preferred early warning system known to man.

WARNING ABOUT A SCAM AT BUNNINGS

A warning for those of you who may be regular Bunnings customers.
This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your timber and hardware. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they get in the backseat.

On the way, they remove all of their clothes and start making out. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you. She then takes off your pants and throws them into the backseat. While the one is keeping you distracted the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, twice on the 15th, then again on the 17th. Also, September 1st, 7th, twice on the 8th, and again on the 16th, & 30th. Then on October 6th, 11th, 14th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Target has wallets on sale $2.99 each

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Bert’s New Boots

image An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.


Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,

We shoulda bought a hat, Bert. 

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

A little Ray of Sunshine

I’m sure They didn't consider the sun when designing this wall...

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Try this when your 80?

Posted earlier this year, this video is now doing the rounds with potential to head into the millions of views.

 

Monday, November 23, 2009

Eating our words

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."

The second boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

The third boy says, "Vibrator, Miss."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

Breast Implant Warning

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Sunday, November 22, 2009

Time waits for now-one

To realize

The value of a sister/brother

Ask someone

Who doesn't have one.

To realize

The value of ten years:

Ask a newly

Divorced couple.

To realize

The value of four years:

Ask a graduate.

To  realize

The value of one  year:

Ask a student  who

Has failed a  final exam.

To realize

The value of nine months:

Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

To realize

The value of one month:

Ask a mother

Who has given birth to

A premature baby.

To realize

The value of one week:

Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize

The value of one minute:

Ask a person

Who has missed  the train, bus or  plane..

To realize

The value of one-second:

Ask a  person

Who has survived an  accident.

Time waits for no one.

Treasure every  moment you have.

You will treasure it even more  when

You can share it  with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend or family member:

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Bear attack 2009

clip_image001[8]Apparently a bear attacked a plane while parked in a remote field. It had not cleaned it out after a fishing trip and the bear smelled it.

The owner had 2 new tires, 3 cases of Duct Tape  and several rolls of cellophane delivered. Then he went about repairing the plane so he could fly it home.  Gutsy to say the least. 

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Friday, November 20, 2009

Kid’s can say anything

1) This is an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) 
2) Oysters' balls  are called pearls.  (James age 6) 
3) If you are surrounded by  sea you are an  Island.
If you don't have sea all round you, you are  incontinent.(  Wayne  age 7) 
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and  have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.    (Kylie age 6) 
5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole  on the top of its head.   
(Billy age 8) 
6) My dad goes out  in his boat, and comes back with crabs. 
(Emily Burniston age  5) 
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to  cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would  whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7) 
8) I like mermaids. They are  beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?    (Helen age 6) 
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at  my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to  write. (Amy age 6) 
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can  sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves  under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.  (Christopher age 7) 
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is  very cold, and it makes my willy small.   (Kevin age 6) 
12)  Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go  down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age  8) 
13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she  was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up  her fanny. (Julie age 7).

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Top Four 2008 Adult Jokes

Fourth Place :

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,

his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as

soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

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Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey,

I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh..'

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

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Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory.  

He had been employed there for a number of years when

he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist

to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. 

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife

could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this

tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too. '

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Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,

'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 

'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,

'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 

'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

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Monday, November 16, 2009

Monday, November 2, 2009

Trucker in Memoriam

Have you heard about the trucker who has painted his cab and trailer with the names of all those who lost their lives on 9/11?

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The trucker's

name is John Holmgren from Shafer, Minn. He has been 'pulled over' numerous times just so the troopers can get their picture taken with the truck.
(scroll down to see the pictures)

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KEEP THIS GOING SO ALL CAN SEE

Monday, September 28, 2009

Attitude is everything!

What is your excuse for complaining?
Your attitude towards life defines not only who you are, but the quality of life you are after.
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Whatever it is that has been bugging you,                 
doesn’t seem so bad anymore, does it?
If only we all could have the spirit that this little boy has!
And look at his beautiful smile!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Swine Flu, what is the difference?

FLU "UPDATE "

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?

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For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment

Now aren't you sorry that I have your e-mail address..?
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Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Outback Aussies are Tough

A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St.Peter at the Pearly Gates.


"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales , I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young Sheila.

I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.  So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed Bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!!  Or I'll kick the shit out of the lot of ya's!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Oh So Litigious they are!!

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued theMcDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

            Here are the Stella's for the past year:
* SEVENTH PLACE *
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Scratch some more....

* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more...
Double hand scratching after this one..

* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..

* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tail bone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Only two more so ease up on the scratching....

*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!!

* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City ,Oklahoma , who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Are we, as a society, getting more stupid....

or are more members of Congress serving on juries these days?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Mrs Parks' 6th Grade Class

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,

'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,

'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,

'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,

'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,

'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,

'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'

Mrs. Parks said,

 'Very good, Billy,

' then turned to Mary and continued.

'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.

Two, you didn't read your homework.

And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.'