"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Creative Calendar from a Retirement Home.

‘Growing old’ is mandatory, ‘growing up’ is optional !! And If you haven’t grown up by the time you are FIFTY then you damn well don’t have to !!!

The Contilia Retirement Group in Essen, Germany, who follow this maxim produced a calendar where seniors amazingly recreated famous movie scenes.  The  shoot was done with professional stylists and photographers to make sure  everything looked as cool as possible. The technical age of all 19 youthful seniors pictured ranged for youngest being 77 to the oldest at 98 years old.


JANUARY

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James  Bond

Wilhelm Buiting, 89


FEBRUARY
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Breakfast  at Tiffany’s
Marianne Brunsbach, 86

MARCH
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Titanic
Erna Rütt, 86, und Alfred Kelbch, 81

APRIL
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Rocky
Erwin J. von der Heiden, 80


MAY
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Mary  Poppins
Erna Schenk, 78


JUNE
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The  Seven Year Itch
Ingeborg Giolbass, 84, und Erich Endlein, 88

JULY
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Blues  Brothers
Margarete Schmidt (r.), 77, und Lothar Wischnewski 76

AUGUST
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Cabaret
Martha Bajohr, 77

SEPTEMBER
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Giant
Joanna Trachenberg, 81, und Horst Krischat, 78

OCTOBER
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Saturday  Night Fever
Irmgard Alt, 79, und Siegfried Gallasch, 87

NOVEMBER
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Dirty  Dancing
Johann Liedtke, 92 und Marianne Pape, 79

DECEMBER
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Easy  Rider
Walter Loeser, 98 und Kurt Neuhaus, 90

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Best friends who had graduated from medical school at the same time decided that in spite of two different specialties they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist.  They put up a sign reading:  "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was livid and insisted they change it!

The docs then had a succession of rejections for : "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.", changed to, "Catatonics and High Colonics"... then next came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives", "Minds and Behinds" ... and "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" ... which were all found to be unacceptable! Even "Nuts and Butts",  "Freaks and Cheeks" , "Loons and Moons" were  considered no good, and met with no way, forget it rebuttals .

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends"
Everybody loved it!

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Wife’s nicknames

I was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited

callers to reveal the nick-names they had for their wives.
The best call was from a brave chap who called his wife,

"Harvey Norman"
The Host asked him why that name?He replied,

"Absolutely no interest for 36 months."

Thursday, October 16, 2014

When is Enough Coffee Enough

You haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while its running.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Non-Deep Thoughts…

- I had amnesia once –- or twice.

- I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.  Now what?

- Protons have mass?  I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

- What is a “free” gift?  Aren’t all gifts free?

- They told me I was gullible … and I believed them.

- Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

- Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

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This Year's Neologism Contest Winners

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly Neologism Contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3 . Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

ALSO...

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

SAFE AT HOME AT LAST–BEATING THEM AT THIER OWN GAME

I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch. The I put some terrorist flags in my front garden, one red one at each corner and a black one in the centre.

The local police, SIS and the other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7. I've never felt safer.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Delicate Corporate Matter

All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table.

He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice,

Asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my Secretary?”

“Oh, no sir, positively not!” Bob replied.

“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.

“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”

“You’d swear to that?”

“Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere.”

“Good, then you fire her !!!”

Monday, October 13, 2014

The Ultimate in Suicide Counselling – bet she changes her mind

A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled,
"If you're about to kill yourself, how about a shag before you go?"
The woman was angry and said,
"No! Fuck off you filthy old bastard."
The tramp turned to leave and said,
"No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."





Sunday, October 12, 2014

Italian Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit

Mario is planning to marry and asks his doctor how to tell if his bride-to-be is a virgin.     
His doctor says, "Mario,  Italian men I know use a can of red paint, a can of blue paint."
Mario asks, "So, what do I do with these things, Doc?     
The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, paint one of your balls red and the other blue.

You will know If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!'.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

TO WHOM DOES THE LAND OF ISRAEL BELONG ?

An Israeli Sense of Humour at United Nations set the record straight. An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.

A representative from Israel began:

'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses:

When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, "What a good opportunity to have a bath!"

Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.

When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them!

The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted, "What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then."

The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech."

Friday, October 10, 2014

Our Crazy Language…

- Why can’t you make another word using all the letters in “anagram”?

- Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

- Why do over look and oversee mean opposite things?

- Why do people use the word “irregardless”?

- Why do some people type “cool” as “kewl”?

- Why do we say something is out of whack?  What is a whack?

- Why do we say something’s out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?

- Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together?

- Why does “slow down” and “slow up “ mean the same thing?

- Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

- Why does X stand for kiss and O stand for a hug?

- Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?

- Why don’t we say “why” instead of “how come”?

  * onomatopoeia...the formation of a word from a sound associated with what is named (e.g., cuckoo, sizzle).

Thursday, October 9, 2014

THE IMPORTANCE OF A SPACE

A secretary received an expensive brand-named pen as a gift from her boss as a Xmas present.  She sent him a Thank-you note by e-mail. 

Boss's wife read the e-mail and filed for divorce. 

The e-mail said: "Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night.  It has an extraordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke.  I loved its perfect size and grip.  Felt like I was in heaven when using it.  Thanks a lot." 

Moral:  A "space" is an essential part of English grammar.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

162 years ago

Did you know that 162 years ago, in 1850, California became a state, there was no electricity, the state had no money, almost everyone spoke Spanish and there were gunfights in the streets.

So basically nothing has changed, except then the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Golfers Goof

John with his buddy Ken headed on a golfing holiday to Scotland.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm to ask for shelter for the night

An attractive lady answered the door and was not that keen to help at first. 'I realize it's terrible weather but I was recently widowed and live in this big  house by myself, so I would be afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and be gone at first light.'

"I guess that would be Ok" said the now more relaxed lady,  and the two men found their way to the barn. 

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

About nine months later, John got a letter from the attorney of that attractive widow.

He called in to see Ken and asked, 'Do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland 9 months ago?'

'Yes.' Said Ken.

'Did you, happen to get up in the middle of the night, and go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Ken said, a little embarrassed at being found out.

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Ken's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

She just died and left me everything.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

GREEK LEGAL SYSTEM

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:

"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

*SCOUSE* * VASECTOMY

After having their 11th child, a Liverpudlian couple decided that was enough, as the social couldn't
buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor
and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there
was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive..
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can
up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world,
but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to
count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales.