"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Little Mary

clip_image001Mary, 6 years old, gets home from school .
She had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks;" How did it go?"
"I died of shame!" She answers !
Koos from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Piet in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.
Her mother answers laughingly But that’s no reason to be ashamed?

No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that daddy had to make me himself!

Monday, February 27, 2012

Unusual Dutch Bridge Architecture



No, your eyes are not deceiving you - the waters have parted!

This incredible “sunken” bridge designed by RO & AD Architects, is in the Netherlands. The components are sustainable hardwoodclip_image002.

The Moses Bridge gives visitors a unique opportunity to pass through parted waters, to eventually meet an historic fortress.













Sunday, February 26, 2012

Some guys have all the luck


She's single...She lives right across the street.

I can see her house from my living room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.  I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

She knocked on my door...

I rushed to open it. She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny!  I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! 

Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

"Good!  In that case, could you watch my dog?"

Saturday, February 25, 2012


Count every " F " in the following text:


There are actually six no joke. Ok so you found 3 or 4 so before I tell you why you missed the others ho back to find the 6 F's

And even if you do the reasoning behind why so many fail on this further down is interesting.

Ok all you Einstein's, here is the good oil on why!!!

The brain cannot process "OF".

Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!

Three is normal, four is rare.and anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius or more likely a liar or just made a good guess.

As Marvin The Male Maxine Says …









Friday, February 24, 2012

Imagines of Pool skills you have never seen before!!!

Eddie Charlton and Walter Lindrum could have done this too if they had had the modern technology, like this guy does. 

I wonder where I can get one like that too. And she does all that without using her hands? 

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Socrates' Guidelines on Gossip

imageKeep this in mind the next time you repeat ir spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BCE), Socrates was known for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment, Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates confirmed. The first is truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"Well, no," said the man. "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, Let's try the second filter, the filter of goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, to the contrary..."

"Well then," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man was embarrassed. as Socrates went on, "The third filter, test if what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"So It all boils down to this," concluded Socrates. "If what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed.

This is just an example of why Socrates was held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Oil Shortage


A lot of British folks can't understand why they have an oil shortage there.

Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil, so they didn't know they were low.

The reason is purely geographical. Their OIL is located in The North Sea
and  their DIPSTICKS are located in Westminster!

Ok so don’t laugh at the Brits. You’d better check your own story if you live in another country. It might be the same there too. 

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

So is there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls?

.We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

imageIn an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is no difference in the outcome.Both result in death.

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

My mate Jerry told me this after his last fishing trip!!

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, clip_image002
took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

The dilemma then was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I then released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Finding a Lost Wife on Valentines day

imageA man out shopping with his wife on Valentines day approaches a young blond woman in a shop.

He says I can’t find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?

The blond says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?

Not a clue, but whenever I talk to a woman with great breasts like yours she appears out of nowhere!

Happy Valentine Day


Monday, February 13, 2012

Edward De Bono outside the square views on Ageing

Edward de Bono Maltese born and 79 this year is world renowned for his outside the square ideas and his Six Thinking Hats. .Here is an example in this alleged conversation overheard between him and a colleague.

imageDe Bono

"You know, when I was 25 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands.

By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried hard.

By the time I was 60, I could bend it 20 degrees, no problem.

When I was 70 next week, and I could bend it in half with one hand.

His Mate

"So, what's your point?"

De Bono

"Well, I'm wonder how much stronger I will be when I am 80 next year"


Saturday, February 11, 2012

Stories in Numbers


THIS IS INCREDIBLE... Read all the Numbers....

Do it Slowly and in Order!!
Be Careful not to MISS ANY

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27
28 29 30

Easy eh?

Tomorrow I will send you the ABC’s,

Its so easy to amuse old people.

Friday, February 10, 2012

F1gur471v3ly 5p34k1ng?

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:

image7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!

1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY  W17H0U7 3V3N  7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,

B3 PROUD! 0NLY  C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.  PL3453 F0RW4RD 1FU C4N R34D 7H15.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

New Ways of STEALING . . .


A friend went to the local gym and placed his belongings in the locker. After the workout and a shower, he came out, saw the locker open, and thought to himself, 'Funny, I thought I locked the locker...

Hmm, 'He dressed and just flipped the wallet to make sure all was in order.

Everything looked okay - all cards were in place...

A few weeks later his credit card bill came - a whooping bill of $14,000!

He called the credit card company and started yelling at them, saying that he did not make the transactions.

Customer care personnel verified that there was no mistake in the system and asked if his card had been stolen...

'No,' he said, but then took out his wallet, pulled out the credit card, and yep - you guessed it - a switch had been made. An expired similar credit card from the same bank was in the wallet.

The thief broke into his locker at the gym and switched cards.

Verdict: The credit card issuer said since he did not report the card missing earlier, he would have to pay the amount owed to them.

How much did he have to pay for items he did not buy?

$9,000! Why were there no calls made to verify the amount swiped?

Small amounts rarely trigger a 'warning bell' with some credit card companies.

It just so happens that all the small amounts added up to big one!



A man at a local restaurant paid for his meal with his credit card.

The bill for the meal came, he signed it and the waitress folded the receipt and passed the credit card along.

Usually, he would just take it and place it in his wallet or pocket. Funny enough, though, he actually took a look at the card and, lo and behold, it was the expired card of another person.

He called the waitress and she looked perplexed.

She took it back, apologized, and hurried back to the counter under the watchful eye of the man.

All the waitress did while walking to the counter was wave the wrong expired card to the counter cashier, and the counter cashier immediately looked down and took out the real card.

No exchange of words --- nothing! She took it and came back to the man with an apology..

Verdict: Make sure the credit cards in your wallet are yours.

Check the name on the card every time you sign for something and/or the card is taken

away for even a short period of time.

Many people just take back the credit card without even looking at it, 'assuming'

that it has to be theirs.




Yesterday I went into a pizza restaurant to pick up an order that I had called in.

I paid by using my Visa Check Card which, of course, is linked directly to my checking Account.

The young man behind the counter took my card, swiped it, then laid it on the counter as he waited for the approval, which is pretty standard procedure.

While he waited, he picked up his cell phone and started dialling. I noticed the phone because it is the same model I have, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

Then I heard a click that sounded like my phone sounds when I take a picture. He then gave me back my card but kept the phone in his hand as if he was still pressing buttons.

Meanwhile, I'm thinking: I wonder what he is taking a picture of, oblivious to what was really going on.

It then dawned on me: the only thing there was my credit card, so now I'm paying close attention to what he is doing..

He set his phone on the counter, leaving it open. About five seconds later, I heard the chime that tells you that the picture has been saved.

Now I'm standing there struggling with the fact that this boy just took a picture of my credit card.

Yes, he played it off well, because had we not had the same kind of phone, I probably would never have known what happened.

Needless to say, I immediately cancelled that card as I was walking out of the pizza parlour. All I am saying is, be aware of your surroundings at all times.

Whenever you are using your credit card take caution and don't be careless.

Notice who is standing near you and what they are doing when you use your card.

Be aware of phones, because many have a camera phone these days..

Never let your card out of your sight.....check and check again!

Scary isn't it.....