"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Flight 160



Family present for my Birthday.
Movie: http://www.woodlandcreative.com/family/dadflight.html


Stills : Still Editing

Randy Pausch Lecture: Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams

This is a not to miss video. I recommmend you take an hour and watch it. Put it on big screen if you can.. ....

Monday, April 28, 2008

Educational Email


I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.
Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs, including feces.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (Although cell
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating i

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bite

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting u

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm this after

Have a wonderful day...

Oh, by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand

TENJEWBERRYMUDS

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review: This has been nominated for an award

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation.


Room Service (RS): "Morrin. - Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes.I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad! ?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin w bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G : "You're very welcome."

Aussie Poem









The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

Prohibitian

If you were around in 1919 (just before prohibition started) and came upon the following poster, would you quit drinking?



Hell no, I'd start.

Grandparents & Grandkids

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'
#####

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children more rambunctious, Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'
#####

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'
#####

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!' ##### When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. 'mine says I'm four to six.'
#####

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies?' 'It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'
#####

Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. One of the small boys wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'
#####

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said another, 'he's just for good luck.'A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,’ she said firmly, to find the fire hydrants

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Best sawed in half trick ever

Tell me how the hell he does this?

Anyone for Breakfast





See what you can do with:

  • 2 sausages
  • One egg fried, sunny side up
  • A slice of toast cut into 2 triangles
  • Four button mushrooms
  • A tomato sliced in 2
  • And three slices of lean bacon

At least that is what is on the plate… See if you can you cook up this one?
And make sure you have the sound on when watching. It has is groovy music too. There are some really clever people doing this stuff.?

The human body

This collection facts will leave you wondering a about this machine of wonder and why we are designed as we are.

1.. Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.
2.. The largest cell in the human body is the female egg.
3.. The smallest is the male sperm.
4.. You use 200 muscles to take one step.
5.. A woman is 5 inches shorter than a man average.
6.. Each big toe has two bones while the rest have three.
7.. A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.
8.. A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
9.. The acid in your stomach can dissolve razor blades.
10. Human brain capacity 5 times the Encyclopedia Britannica.
11. It takes food 7 seconds to get to your stomach.
12. The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.
13. Men without chest hair are more likely to have liver cirrhosis
14. At conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.
15. There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
16. 30 minutes body heat is enough to boil 1/2 gallon of water.
17. Teeth enamel is the hardest substance in your body.
18. Teeth start developing 6 months before you are born.
19. When you see someone you love or hate your pupils dilate.
20. Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.
21. Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

22.. At this moment I know you are testing this last fact.

You did -- I KNOW you did !!!!!