"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Electric Humour

I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to note pads. 

This one should get a prize....
I e-mailed it to my Japanese doctor friend.  He e-mailed back:  "If  light stay on more than 4 hour, call 'erectrician.'

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Computer Repair Help desk Story

CallerHi, our printer is not working.
Customer Service:   What is wrong with it?
Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service
:  Mouse? ... Printers don't have a mouse!!!

Caller: Mmmmm??.. Oh really? ... I will send a picture.


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Technical Support, how can I help you?

FEMALE CALLER:  'Last night my computer started making a lot of hissing noises at me so I shut it down.  This morning when I turned it on the computer started hissing and cracking, then started smoking and a bad smell, then nothing'.

TECH SUPPORT:  'I will have a technician come over first thing this morning. Leave the computer just like it is, so they can find the problem and fix it, or change it out with another computer.  Give me your address; phone number and the technician will be there just as soon as he can'.

When the technician got there, the lady showed him where the computer was, said what happened to it. This is what the technician found wrong.

Take a look at the pictures... YOU WON'T BELIEVE YOUR EYES ...  And you thought YOU had computer problems?





The technician told her: ... 'It must have been after the mouse!' The woman didn't think it was very funny at all!


Monday, October 18, 2010

He said To me and I said to him!!


He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. 
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ... . They don't have time.

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . A widow.

He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. 
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Name The Song

Look at this picture. and see if you can name the song it depicts.

Remember too that today is Sunday and this is a family blog, so think about some golden oldies.


You'll kick yourself!!........






Hey, don't blame me . . . I'm just forwarding this to those whose sense of humor I believe to be as warped as mine . .  you were in that group.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Fire-hose rodeo

I added this for today, being Saturday because you need sound and privacy so you don’t have your work mates think you have gone mad laughing at a screen.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Bring Tommy Cooper back


Due to considerable “gentle reader”demand here are some more Tommy Cooper one liners. Yes, he was brilliant!!     Wasn’t he. Not a swear word in sight and so funny.    

1 .  Two blondes walk into a building.........you'd  think at least one of them would have seen  it.

.  Phone answering machine message - '...If you want  to buy marijuana, press the hash  key...'

3.  A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only  Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I  can clearly see you're  nuts.'

.  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other  day but I couldn't find any.

.  I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him  50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the  top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too  high.'

.  My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong  currant pulled him in.

.  A man came round in hospital after a serious  accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't  feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you  can't, I've cut your arms  off'.

.  I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a  muscle.

Two  Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for  all that you can't have your kayak and heat it

Our  ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his  van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police  say that he topped himself.

.  Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing  out of his head.Doc says 'I'll give you some  cream to put on it.'

.  Man says to the 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass  of Home'  The Doc say s'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 
Man says 'Is it common?'  and Doc says Well 'It's not  unusual.'

A  man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is  cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for  him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look  at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his  eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says,  'I'm going to have to put him down. ' 'What?  Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the  doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up  my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you  start.'

Two  elephants walk off a cliff...boom,  boom!

.  What do you call a fish with no eyes? A  fsh.

..  So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says  to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure,  you look great, the world's your oyster, go for  it..'

Apparently,  1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are  5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.  It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother  Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.  But  I think it's Colin.

Two  fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your  round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat  bastard!'

.  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating  fireworks. They charged one and let the other one  off.

'You  know, somebody actually complimented me on my  driving today. They left a little note on the  windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was  nice.'

.  A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt  my arm in several places' The doctor said,  'Well don't go thereanymore'

Ireland 's  worst air disaster occurred early this morning  when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into  a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have  recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that  number to climb as digging continues into the  night.


Oh,  for Pete's sake . . . .It's just a baby Panda..
.New born.
.7 days old.
.13 days old.
.17 days old.
What were you thinking ???

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Traffic Law Question

I sent this letter for a legal opinion to my mate Larry at http://www.newyorkparkingticket.com/Blog/

Dear Larry,

I need some advice on a traffic question.


Recently I drove down a narrow two lane road to take a short cut. Soon I came on sign that said  NO PASSING FOR 2 MILES. Then to my dismay I came upon a slow-moving bicycle rider. 


What to do. I thought?: Do I

A  Follow this slow-moving rider for the next 2 miles , or

B break the law and pass?

I pondered which is the correct approach then I made a choice.

Now I would like you opinion if it was right?


A Looked good to me.

I figured why take unnecessary risks and get a ticket?

Watching a football game

A man watching a football game on TV kept switching channels to a sexy movie featuring a lusty couple.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," He said to his wife.
"For heaven's sake, watch them," his  wife said. "You already know how to play football!"


Monday, October 11, 2010


The wife  came home early and found her husband in their bedroom  making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she  was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she  cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the  mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce  right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a  minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'  'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words  you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I  was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady  here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and  defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the  car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well  dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten  for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her  home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night,  the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put  on weight. The poor thing devoured them in  moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I  suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed  her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them  away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the  designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't  wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave  her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which  you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I  found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that  you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those  boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear  because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The  husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so  grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her  to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and  said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife  doesn't use?'

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Free with a tank full

A gas station owner in Alabama was trying to increase his sales.
So he put up a sign that read,
"Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,
"You were close. The number was 7.
Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck,
along with his brother, Bubba,
pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story,
and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said,
"Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother,
"I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray.
  It ain't rigged.    My wife won twice last week."

Friday, October 8, 2010

Daddy Long Legs

image A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground and he went to her to see what had captured her attention.

She was looking at two spiders mating. 'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?'

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?'

A Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?’.

The delight of such a cute question made him smile as he replied,  “No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped on the ground . 'Well","that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that sort of behavior here in Texas '.


Monday, October 4, 2010

Primed to Negotiate

The Australian Prime Minster has a hayseed Aussie accent when it comes to negotiating. Well some people think so in this clever Lateline ditty.

Saturday, October 2, 2010


40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE saw a married couple in their early 60s  celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband'. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me'. were deeply
The wife, and the fairy, disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female

Friday, October 1, 2010

The Sweet Nutcracker

image A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the boy three coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 coins but is still choking and the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, serious looking woman, in a business suit is sitting nearby reading a newspaper and sipping a coffee. She puts down her coffee, neatly folds the newspaper and, unhurriedly, moves across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, she carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.

Are you a doctor? "  'No,' the woman replied.

I'm with the Inland Revenue.

Murphy's' Lubricant

clip_image001[4]Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!

'Ain't dat grand!!' Murphy got so excited, but just then the doctor said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, then delivered a little girl.

Murphy got kind of puzzled and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy.

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said, Probably something happened during  conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ..it's a  good ting we didn't use WD-40.A