Are my testicles black?

A hospital patient, with an oxygen mask wakes to find a student nurse giving him a sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

A little taken hack  the young nurse replies, "Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate worrying about his testicles, she raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and examines his testicles with the other.

There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles and says very slowly, "Thank you, that was wonderful. but  what I was asking was: "Are - my - test - results - back?"

Golfers Goof

John with his buddy Ken headed on a golfing holiday to Scotland.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm to ask for shelter for the night

An attractive lady answered the door and was not that keen to help at first. 'I realize it's terrible weather but I was recently widowed and live in this big  house by myself, so I would be afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and be gone at first light.'

"I guess that would be Ok" said the now more relaxed lady,  and the two men found their way to the barn. 

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

About nine months later, John got a letter from the attorney of that attractive widow.

He called in to see Ken and asked, 'Do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland 9 months ago?'

'Yes.' Said Ken.

'Did you, happen to get up in the middle of the night, and go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Ken said, a little embarrassed at being found out.

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Ken's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

She just died and left me everything.

Who in the hell is Larry?

Larry Is In The Hospital

Who in the hell is Larry?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Sandy, his wife asks.... 

"Where the hell have you been?"

Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo?" She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" She said, shaking her head in disgust.

"Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, finally, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is in the St Luke's Hospital, Intensive Care Unit, Room 233.

It makes a big difference if that shark is rising or falling from the water!!

Some people are  always in the right place at the right time .. The guy with the camera I mean !!

Caught Something Not Using a Condom? Always Get a Second Opinion

In China , an American is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom .

A week after arriving back home in the States, one morning he finds his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongowian V  D. Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid Amewican docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself!!!!”

Size Does Matter

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mum,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

The Female Dentist

She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.  "No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says:" I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!' The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill. "No objection," he says. "I'm fine with pills." The dentist gives him a couple of pills. He swallows them. "What are they?" he says. "Viagra," says the dentist. "Heck," the patient says, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull out your tooth."

Speeding ticket - - - Priceless

Postman's Knock

One Monday morning the postman delivering the mail, noticed a David, a homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

"Wow, David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the Postman  commented.

David, in obvious pain from a head ache,  replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night.. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.  We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM  I?'."

The Postman thinks a moment and said, "How do you play 'WHO AM I?' ?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.."

The postman laughed and said, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it."

"Probably a good thing you did," David responded. "Your name came up 7 times."

Always choose a memorable password!

A lady helps her man install a new computer.
Once it is completed,
she tells him to select a password - a word that he'll always remember.
He looks at his wife and with a macho
gesture and a wink in his eye and
types in 'penis'.

As he hits "enter" to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter.

The computer had replied:  TOO SHORT  -  ACCESS DENIED!

Mutt wins Guide dog of the year award

This year a talented mutt has been awarded the guide dog of year honour for unselfish work guiding the aged at an old peoples home.

Cure found for man with permanent erection

An engineer went to a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman behind the counter assured him she was a pharmacist and was well qualified, but since husband died only she and her widowed sister, also a pharmacist, own the shop.

As his distress look continued, she then assure him that whatever he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest professionalism.

The engineer agreed and now more relaxed began, "The problem is I have a permanent erection and It causes me a lot of problems and embarrassment. Do you have something you can give me for it?"

The pharmacist paused then said, “If you don't mind I will go and confer to my sister?"
When she returned, she said, "We've discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is ......., 1/3 ownership in the shop, a company car, and £1,500 a month plus living expenses.”

Are my testicles black

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"

Source and thanks to Eugene

Susan and her Tomatoes

Susan loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon Ross her neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge, red tomatoes.. Susan asked Ross, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" Ross responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat, and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Well, Susan was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks, she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day Ross was passing by and askedSusan, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red" No", Susan replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

A painful decision

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged head to toe. The doctor says, "Good, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again, however your penis was severed in the accident and they couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor continues, "You have  $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology to build a new penis.  The only issue it doesn’t come cheap at roughly $1000 an inch."

At this news the doctor see the man perks up at that so to keep the momentum . "he says, "OK so now you must decide o many inches you want.

I understand that you have been married for thirty years and as this can wait for day till we have the clinical tests done perhaps you should discuss it with your wife. If you had a five incher and get a nine  incher she might a bit threatened. Or if you had a nine incher before and you decide to invest in a five incher now, likewise she might be  disappointed. So it's important she is involved in your decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The next day the doctor returns and asks , "So, have you  spoken with your wife?"
  "Yes  I have," says the man.
  "And has she helped you make a decision?"
  "Yes" says the man.
  "What is your decision?" asks the doctor
  "We're  getting granite counter  tops."

Life is like a Penis

On a more Philosophical note it is said that ......

Life is like a penis, simple,relaxed and hanging free .

... It's women who make it hard !!

 

NEVER A TRUER WORD HAS BEEN SPOKEN

My Surgery

When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger And staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife But... After several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimeters. I Became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking.  So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that,  Though rare, My condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective Surgery. "How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.  "Well,"  Said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

Why has my penis turned Orange?

A guy goes to a doctor "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange."

The doctor asks the guy to drop his pants and after a his investigation, says, "This is strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by stress"

Probing more the Doc asks, "How are things going at work?"

I was fired six weeks ago. The boss was an asshole, I worked unpaid overtime every week and I had no say in anything. But I found a new job a last week where set my own hours, plus  the pay is double before and the boss is a great guy."

That all sounds Ok says the doc , "So how's your home life?"

"Well, I got divorced eight months ago." For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch."

The doc responds “Ok that all seems all is fine. So do you have any hobbies or a social life?"

"Not really. Most nights I sit home and watch porno flicks and munch on Cheetos".

http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100318061245AAAh6Uk

Mrs Brown and the condom

Being a bit older like the so many who have seen this video I appreciate discussions on matters related to sex is not just for the young.

It is even more humorous when it is openly discussed by the older more experienced. This very BBC skit is an example. ..

PROSTATE CHECKUP

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99".The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, "Very good". Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins,

One,

Two,

Three,

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.

You grow old because you stop laughing!!