"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

School Answering Machine

This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine .

This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades – even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

  • To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
  • To make excuses why your child did not do his work - Press 2
  • To complain about what we do - Press 3
  • To swear at staff members - Press 4
  • To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
  • If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
  • If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
  • To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
  • To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
  • To complain about school lunches - Press 0
  • If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
  • If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.


Disappointing Experiences

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream."Mark Twain

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Hymn #365

Hymn #365 A minister was completing a temperance sermon With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, Let us sing
Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

Economic Restructuring at Slackers Inc

In these hard economic times getting value from employees is critical.

A company needed a shakeup as the economic crisis kicked in. They had just hired a new CEO for restructuring who was determined as a first step to rid the company of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, he saw a guy leaning on a wall and wanted to let the workshop full of workers know that he meant business.

'How much money do you make a week?' he said as he walked up to the. Surprised, the young you replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?' The CEO ignoring his question, pulled $1,600 from his pocket and loudly so everyone could hear said, 'Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back!'

Feeling good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did around here?'

A lone voice from the back of the workshop responded, 'He's the Pizza delivery boy from Domino's.'

Thursday, October 23, 2008


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL; the Ashes; Football and Golf Clubs

Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate


Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband
is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to
download Tears and don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that
application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the
applications Jewellery and Flowers.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Happy Hour or Beer.

Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck, Tech Support


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

29 lines to make you smile

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't..

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18 . Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance..

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on. Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few!

White House Breakfast

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W., looking up from his menu, replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims, "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for a year!"

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers ...

"It's pronounced "quiche".

CD 9/10

Sunday, October 19, 2008

New Stock Market Terms

It is fitting that this item is our 100th entry.

Yesterday I searched the web with no success for some good relevant humour about the current economic woes. As many watch their businesses, life savings, pension and super funds disappear, behind the scenes the finance fairy of good times, for so long, is now using a salami slicer daily to carve massive value off share markets around the world. It seems soon there will be nothing left.

It also seems a good joke to get the belly laughing is a better remedy than putting a gun to the head to cure the headache.

Coming tho the rescue and fitting is a this very humorous entry, from Trish Stevens, It is about changing terms to reflect this current state of world events as at October 2008.

  • CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

  • CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

  • BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

  • BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

  • VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

  • P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

  • BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

  • STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

  • STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

  • STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

  • FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

  • MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

  • CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

  • YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

  • WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

  • INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

  • PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use

Perhaps we also need something to fix things now, interesting Trish's first contribution that got all this blog started nearly 2 years ago. http://hfao.blogspot.com/2006_12_01_archive.html

Friday, October 17, 2008

Grandmas don't know everything.

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other? '
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Ulimate Faux Pas

Here are the 2008 Darwin awards.

Eighth Place

In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who was 'totally zoned' when he ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took r escue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.


Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed !


Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.


Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves.. 'Shit happens'.



Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Blood Clot - for everyone's safety

You could save a life.

Remember The 1st Three Letters... S.T.R .
My friend sent this to me and encouraged me to post it and spread the word. I agree. If everyone can remember something this simple, we could save some folks.


During a
party, a friend stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine and just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes. (They offered to call an ambulance)

They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food - while she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening. Ingrid's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00pm , Ingrid passed away.)

She had suffered a stroke at the
party. Had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke, perhaps Ingrid would be with us today.

Some don't die. They end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead. It only takes a minute to read this...


A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough.


Remember the '3' steps,
STR. Read and Learn!
Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster.

The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.

Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions

* Ask the individual to SMILE ..
* = TALK. Ask the person to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently)

(e.g. ' It is sunny out today' ).
* Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.

If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call the ambulance and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

: Another 'sign' of a stroke is
Ask the person to 'stick' out their tongue.
If the tongue is 'crooked', if it goes to one side or the other that is also an indication of a stroke.

A prominent cardiologist says if everyone who gets this e-mail sends it to 10 people; you can bet that at least one life will be saved.

and it could be your own..

Friday, October 3, 2008

Flow Charting Classes

Seniors Breakfast Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns & toast for $1.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you two dollars & forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then.' my wife said.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.


WE'VE been around the block more than once!

Talking dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Georgia and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had
me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the US Army Special
Forces. You know the reputation of them Green Berets.'

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with
spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the Army (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he 's such a bull-shitter. He never did any of that shit. He was in the Navy'

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Blonde Frog

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet .

As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' $20 each 'complete with instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the young man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!' The blonde nods, grabs the box and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
  1. Take a shower.

  2. Splash on some nice perfume.

  3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

  4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise .. . NOTHING happens! Very disappointed and quite upset at this point she re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . Please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store and the man says, 'I'll be right over.'

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . . . Looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:
'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you ONE MORE TIME!!!'