"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

To be Social or not is now a burning question?

A college economics professor did this experiment in his class.
The aim was to test if socialism works?
He set some tests and said all grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail.
After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.
The second saw the students who had studied little then studied even less and the ones who had studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little. So the second average was a D.
No one was happy.
The 3rd test saw, the average was F. And as the tests proceeded and the scores got worse bickering, blame and name-calling resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.
It was concluded that when the system takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.
It could not be any simpler than that?
Conversely, it is said that Capitalism is flawed and equally doomed as it relies on a system that assumes the value of something today will always be more tomorrow.

Manufactured in America for the Thailand Market where they were told it is left hand drive.

 

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Duh! This is like pissing into the wind You get your own back.  

Larry’s Blog at New Your Parking Ticket would have a field day with this one.

http://www.newyorkparkingticket.com/Blog/

The Toilet Seat

My wife, , asked me to paint our en-suite toilet seat so I did it when she went out for the afternoon. But she came back sooner than expected and you guessed it. Yes she was in that toilet before you could say Jack Johnson

Anyway the first I knew  of it was when she screamed out “I’m stuck”. The epoxy paint, still not set, had glued her to the toilet seat. And despite a lot of grunting and pulling, in the end  I undid the seat bolts wrapped a sheet around her and drove her to the emergency room.

Now try to get a mental picture of this. As the doctor examined her, she tried to lighten the embarrassment, saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The bemused then Doc replied, "Well actually, I've seen lots, I’ve just never seen one so nicely framed."

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

These are possibly the 5 best sentences you'll ever read


1.  You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy

      out of prosperity.
2.  What one person receives without working for, another person must

     work for without receiving.
3.  The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government

     does not first take from somebody else.
4.  You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it!
5.  When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work

     because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other
     half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is
     going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any
     nation.

Faceless Fun - Virgin

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Auntie Pink are you a virgin?

Yes I'm saving myself till marriage

That's a load of bullshit, you just can’t get a guy.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Cemetery headstones - Some people have a great sense of humour & some have way too much money....

 

Some people have a great sense of humour & some have way too much money....

Have you seen anything like this?

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MEXICAN CEMETERY

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Sunday, May 27, 2012

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees!' 'What powerful rivers!' 'What beautiful animals!'  He said to himself.


clip_image002 As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.


He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.  The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'  'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'  'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
 

'Very well', said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:


'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMYCLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS

THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN

ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST

THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL

HANDLE THIS; I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,

AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

 

"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS  ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO 

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

My One day of employment

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After landing my new job as a B & Q greeter - a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a  day ......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very  loud, unattractive, obnoxious woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.


As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to B & Q."

I then said, "Nice children you have there. Their father must be so proud they are twins."clip_image002

The vile woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they're not twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.

Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just f*"^ing stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice....

Have a  good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."

My  supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of  work.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Changing Password

 

Baby did you change the password?

Yes honey!

And which is the new one?

Its is the date of our wedding anniversary!

……………………………………..

……. @$#%@  you bitch

 

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Dolphin GPS “Re-calibrated”

Here the story dolphins saving people is switched when of some people on a beach in Brazil did exactly that. There a school of dolphins wandered to close to shore and in seconds were beached by out going the tide . Great footage of the community helping then get out to sea again .

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Gardening with Grandma

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes...

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. 
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.'

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Boo Sa Bar goes Latin in Bangkok

Not everyone likes their photo taken especially male customers in a Thai bar.  But it is hard to find a bar girl in Thailand that doesn't. And you can see why? They all look good and they really all do enjoy some good harmless fun

Category: Film & Animation
Tags:www.PerformanceController.com (Learning about Business)

The Priest’s Ass

The Priest entered his donkey in a race and it won.The Priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again.

The local paper read:

PRIEST'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline
read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S  ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Priest to get rid of the donkey.The Priest decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . .. even shorten your life.So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Friday, May 18, 2012

Plurals That Confuse English


 
According to....
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We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
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If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
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Then one may be that, and there would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
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Let's face it - Englishis a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English
muffins weren't invented in England.
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We take English  for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
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Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it?
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If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
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Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
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We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
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You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And in closing...
clip_image012If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop.???

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Not Politically Correct, but what the heck

A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly. The pilot speaks over the intercom ...

"I'm sorry it has come to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne".

Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's speed continues to decrease.  Once again the pilot gets on the intercom,

"I hate to do this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to start off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'". "Africans? Are there any Africans on board?" There was no answer so the pilot calls,

"Black people, are there any black people on board?" Again silence.

"C - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board? Still there is silence.

A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother and said,

"Mum, ain't we African?  Ain't we black?  Ain't we coloured?" 

She replied, "Yes, son but for the moment we is Niggers.

Let them do the Muslims first. If that don't work we is Zulus".

Life is like a Penis

On a more Philosophical note it is said that ......

Life is like a penis, simple,relaxed and hanging free .

... It's women who make it hard !!

 

NEVER A TRUER WORD HAS BEEN SPOKEN

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Copper wire and the history of communications

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and concluded their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not
to be outdone the Americans set about digging to 20 feet, and shortly after, the New York Times reported : "American archaeologists, find traces of 250-year-old copper wire, which means our ancestors had a communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later,
Australia's Northern Territory Times reported the following:  "After digging to 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, Knackers Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger-all. Knackers has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

...That makes all us Aussies feel bloody proud to be Australian!

Hillbilly Divorce

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.
The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?'
The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?'
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres'
The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.'
The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?'
The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?'
The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?'
The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ..
The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?'
The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

A Bridge from God

A man riding his Harley along a Victorian beach when suddenly above his head the booming voice of the Lord said 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over and said 'Thanks can you build a bridge to Tasmania so I can ride over anytime I want.

The Lord said 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. Take a moment more to think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said' Lord. I wish that I and all men could understand women and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

Monday, May 14, 2012

Wanted Adds:

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Wanted Adds: 

Good Man

About 90 Years Old. Half Blind, Bad leg, Good with Gin, To Watch My Wife While I’m Out Hunting

Good Woman

Must be able to Clean, Cook, Sew , Dig Worms and Clean Fish

Must have Boat and Motor

Please send a picture of Boat and Motor

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Logical

imageTwo Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits
on a stool at the bar.
They start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat. In the toilet he sees that the suit at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Pat: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Pat: - Er ... mmm ...... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Pat: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ....... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical that you haven't built it just for yourself so you are
probably married? And with a family?
Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Pat: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.
Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Seamus: - What's that then?
Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Seamus: - Nope
Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker

Monday, May 7, 2012

Wash Them First

This incident apparently happened. It is not a joke.

A woman drank from a normal coke can which she had in her refrigerator. She later died from Leptospirosis a toxic deadly disease traced to the can. On the top of the can was found dried rat urine containing the Leptospirosis.

Studies have shown that the tops of cans can be contaminated with bacteria as they are typically stocked in warehouses and transported straight to the shops without being cleaned.

As a precaution it is recommended washing cans before putting them to your mouth. This applies to all cans, yes beer and juice cans too!!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Signs of the Trades

Sign over a gynecologist Office: 
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

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   In a Podiatrist's office: 
"Time wounds all heels."

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On a Septic Tank Truck: 
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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On a Plumber's  truck: 
"We repair what your husband fixed." 
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On another Plumber's truck: 
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." 
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On a Church's Bill board: 
"7 days without God makes one weak." 
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At a Tyre Store 
"Invite us to your next blowout."

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On an Electrician's truck: 
"Let us remove your shorts."

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In a Non-smoking Area: 
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate 
action."

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On a Maternity Room door: 
"Push. Push. Push."

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At an Optometrist's Office: 
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right 
place."

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On a Taxidermist's window: 
"We really know our stuff."

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On a Fence: 
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

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At a Car Dealership: 
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

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Outside a Car Exhaust Store: 
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

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In a Vets waiting room: 
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

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In a Restaurant window: 
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home: 
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

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And don't forget the sign at a 
RADIATOR SHOP: 
"Best place in town to take a leak."

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Sign on the back of yet another 
Septic Tank Truck: 
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Involuntary Muscle Contraction?

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten
up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you
know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom!

My Surgery

When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger And staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife clip_image001
But... After several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimeters.

I Became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking. 
So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.
clip_image002After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that, 
Though rare, My condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective Surgery.
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"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. 
"Well,"  Said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
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Tuesday, May 1, 2012

I bequeath...

clip_image001A BLOKE SAT IN HIS ARMCHAIR AND SHOUTS TO HIS WIFE, "WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU LOVE!"

SHE SHOUTS BACK "YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY BASTARD!!"