"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Life is filled with hard decisions........

David Dykhoff sent me this to add to his collection on Humour for all Occasions.
It appealed to me so much I did some research on and I posted that on Performance Controller as a  serious and light-hearted example of Nabisco’s brilliantly effective campaign in hitting the mark in advertising its product.

You cant fix Stupid - Professionals

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'... (Do you work with professionals like this?)


Friday, June 29, 2012

“Startling” word puzzle is simple

Try this at scrabble parties. Ask players to remove from the nine letter word Startling just one letter to make another valid English word. Then from the new word repat this step seven more times till they get it down to one a letter word.

See who can do it or who is the first to get the result.
Here is the answer commencing with the word
1. Startling
2. Starling
3. Staring
4. String
5. Sting
6. Sing
7. Sin
8. in
9. I

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Penguins go to Heaven Too

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica --- where do they go? Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of its family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and one by one, they begin to emit a unique sound --- a haunting bird-song that sounds like this:

Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Then, they kick him in the ice hole . . .."



You didn’t really believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
It's so easy to fool OLD people.

I am sorry, the devil made me do it!

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Who said that?

When asked what he thought about western civilization he replied that he thought it would be a good idea. = Gandhi
People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel.” – The unknown soldier
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.-Lily Tomlin
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left – Confucius
If you think you're too small to make a difference, you haven't been in bed with a mosquito." -- Anita Roddick 
Always love your enemies - nothing annoys them so much." Oscar Wilde
“Anger is only one letter short of danger.” my wife

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

A painful decision

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged head to toe. The doctor says, "Good, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again, however your penis was severed in the accident and they couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor continues, "You have  $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology to build a new penis.  The only issue it doesn’t come cheap at roughly $1000 an inch."

At this news the doctor see the man perks up at that so to keep the momentum . "he says, "OK so now you must decide o many inches you want.

I understand that you have been married for thirty years and as this can wait for day till we have the clinical tests done perhaps you should discuss it with your wife. If you had a five incher and get a nine  incher she might a bit threatened. Or if you had a nine incher before and you decide to invest in a five incher now, likewise she might be  disappointed. So it's important she is involved in your decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The next day the doctor returns and asks , "So, have you  spoken with your wife?"
  "Yes  I have," says the man.
  "And has she helped you make a decision?"
  "Yes" says the man.
  "What is your decision?" asks the doctor
  "We're  getting granite counter  tops."

Monday, June 25, 2012

Hard Of hearing

A guy is in a pet shop, and sees a legless parrot somehow seated on a perch.
Mother of Mary , what happened to the parrot.?' the guys blurts aloud to the owner
But the parrot not the owner replies with, 'I was born this way. I'm defective .'

'Holy Molasses, You talk and you actually understood and answered me?.'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I am  highly intelligent, and educated

“Awesome” says the guy who adds, So how do you sit on your perch without feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, Its a bit embarrassing, but since you ask,   I wrap my
weenie around the bar, like a hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really do understand, and you speak English so well’'
'Actually, I speak Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable
competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy and I'm  especially good at ornithology.You ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, You can probably get me for $20,' So the guy offers $20 and leaves with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour and a great pal, who understands well sympathizes and is insightful.The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssst,' as he motions him over with his wing.'I don't know if I should tell you or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door,
in a sheer black nightie.'

WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously adding, “So what happened?'

'The UPS man came inside lifted up her nightie, and began touching her all over,'

Holy cow !' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.and then he took off the nightie, got on his knees, and began to kiss her body .'

Frantic the guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?   I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Why I got banned from Target

After I retired, my wife insisted I accompany her on trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I find shopping boring. Yesterday my dear wife received a letter from our local Target.

Dear Mrs Samuel,
Over the past few months, your husband has caused commotions in our store.. We cannot tolerate his behaviour and have been forced to ban him from our store .

Complaints against your husband are listed here as also documented by our surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off every 5-minutes.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice in the passage to the women's restroom.
5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. Aug14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
9. Sep 4: Used a security camera as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. Sep 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. Oct 3: Darted around suspiciously humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. Oct 6: In auto depart, practiced his 'Madonna look' with different sized funnels.
13. Oct 18: Hid in clothing racks & yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME! as people browsed '
14. Oct 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

The final straw was

15. Oct 23: when in a fitting room, he shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

Have a nice day

Your sincerely

Target Management

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Staying Alive

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive
days I've stayed alive.

- George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008)

(there you go Andrew all on one page now)


Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?'
'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

Friday, June 22, 2012

New Style British Humour

Police in London last night found a bomb outside a church  ..They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
During last night's high winds an British family were badly injured by a falling tree. Mohamed Ashman, a Birmingham City spokesman said "We didn't even know they were living up there".
Anglo Saxon minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television with minorities in mind. Now Crime-watch will be shown 5 times a week.
Walking down the road I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.I then heard a Pakistani shout , "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Horses for courses

A man was reading his papers when his wife hit him with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

Wednesday, June 20, 2012


After an visit to the “Pleasure Parlour”, Politician Craig Thomson notices green lumps on his willy, so, off he goes to the doctor.
“That’s serious” says the doctor. “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”

Monday, June 18, 2012

Rectal Thermometer

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque She pulls a recital thermometer from her  purse and tries to write with  it.
As she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, says: 'Well, that's just  great, some arsehole's got my  pen!'

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Old Chinese Proverb

Confucius say, "If you are in a book store and cannot find
the book for which you search, you are obviously



Wealthy Widower Marries

Bob, a 70-year-old  extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-woman on his arm.

His buddies at the very first chance corner him to ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'

Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'

They are gobsmacked but persist, OK so how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies smiling

'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Beaming now Bob chortles ‘No I told her I was 90”

Friday, June 15, 2012

Where is my Sunday paper?


An irate customer called the newspaper office, She loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam",  said the newspaper staff, "today is Saturday.  The Sunday paper is not delivered until  tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by  a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,  ....
"Well, shit, that explains why no one  was at church either.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Faceless fun–rodeo

Have you tried the new rodeo position yet?
I haven't even heard of it , what is it?
well its where you get your wife down on all fours and mount her fr0m behind.
Then you reach around and cup each of her breasts in your hands and whisper in there ear, “Boy these feel just like your sister’s”

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Easy scam that is cleaning out bank accounts of Mr and Mrs Average like you and me.

This scam is no joke

It just happend to me. Marg, called me to tell me she was booking us on our holiday accomdation via the internet using Agoda. When I read my email a bit later I figured she had been scammed into paying $969.48 for something
with her PayPal.

In the Transaction Advise (which looks so authentic) I saw we had time to get it sorted out and was about to click and see how to. 

But lucky I didnt. Tricksters are now so clever to get your personal details like passwords  to bank accounts. So I hestiated and instead took a closer visual look before I just deleted it.


I am not even sure if the blog will pick up the underlying links, but take my word for it, thEY don't go to PalPay


Here is the content >>>>

Transaction ID: 65968504
Hello gordon.wood@mymailaddress.com,
You sent a payment of $969.48 USD to  Mark Horne

Thanks for using PayPal. To see all the transaction details, Log In to your PayPal account.
It may take a few moments for this transaction to appear in your account.

Note to seller
You haven't included a note.
Shipping address - confirmed
419-4138 Pharetra Rd.
NY 13104-9402
United States
Shipping details
The seller hasn't provided any shipping details yet.
Description Unit price Qty Amount
1927 Supermarine S.5 & Gloster seaplane Schneider Trophy Race Photograph
Item# 713168674
$969.48 USD 23 $969.48 USD
Shipping and handling $0.00 USD
Insurance - not offered ----
Total $969.48 USD
Payment $969.48 USD
Issues with this transaction?
You have 45 days from the date of the transaction to open a dispute in the Resolution Center.
Questions? Go to the Help Center at: www.paypal.com/help.
Please do not reply to this email. This mailbox is not monitored and you will not receive a response. For assistance, log in to your PayPal account and click Help in the top right corner of any PayPal page.
You can receive plain text emails instead of HTML emails. To change your Notifications preferences, log in to your account, go to your Profile, and click My settings.
PayPal Email ID PP301

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Size 350

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop.

She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

Soon after the owner was going on holiday and asked would she run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't actually ask for condoms,they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. " "The word condom won't even be used."

The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Does he have a yellow bucket hanging between his legs?" her boss asked.
She peeped through the door "Yes!" she said " He's got one!"
The boss said "Just give him $3.50.  He's the window cleaner!"

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Finding a Parking Space

My 50 something female friends tell me "Men are like parking spaces, all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped." ……………Larry King


Posted @ Friday, June 08, 2012 7:41 PM by  on http://www.newyorkparkingticket.com/Blog/bid/85905/


A guy bought a new fridge .

To get rid the old one , he put it out front with a sign on it : 'Free Fridge. You want it, take it.'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.

So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Faceless fun – Overweight

Mom what are you doing?
You know your Dad has a big tummy. Sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.
Your wasting tour time.
Why is that?
Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Dog with Chinese name for sale...

Whether you own a dog or not, you must appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Look at the picture and then read the sales pitch below.

Dog For Sale.  Free to good home.  Excellent guard dog.

Owner cannot afford to feed Jethro anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Chinese street name, Ho Lee Schitt.

Old Man And The Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. "So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then replied ,
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter."

One day when setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he picked up his walking cane instead of his gun." "Neared a lake, he saw a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..

He realized he'd left his gun at home but out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it and went 'bang, bang'."
"Simultaneously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Ethnic Communications Misunderstood

A middle eastern man entered a black cab in London. The cabbie had music playing, but Instead of politely asking for it to be turned off, the man was blunt and justified it on his religious teaching, being he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music.
The cab driver immediately switched off the music, but then stopped the cab and opened the door.
The man asked him, "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so you’d be better to wait for a camel"

Losing Your Cherry


Wednesday, June 6, 2012

'So how's Old' Blue doing, son?'

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but Halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
He calls home.
'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing.. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!'
His Dad says.
'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him In the course.'
So .... His father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' His father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?'Exclaims his father.
'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year,
His father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

The boy says, 'I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room,
Kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked,
'So, is your Daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''
The father groans and whispers,

'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:


1.  The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.



2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.



3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.



4. A dog's parents never visit.



5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.



6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.



7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..



8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.



9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"



10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.



11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.



12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.



13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.


And last, but not least:


14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Husband Store

Coming round again here is a timeless oldie

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

The original that we posted in 2008 has the rest of the story >> Husband Store

Car Stickers for Senior Citterns








I believe on having sex on first data because I may not get another

I don't think about dying, That is the last thing I want to do.

I am speeding because I want to get there before I forget where I am going