"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Sunday, March 31, 2013

God Moves in Mysterious Ways

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.  His parents had tried tutors, mentors, in fact everything,  but nothing worked. Finally, they enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home and went straight to his room and started studying. His mother was amazed. This continued day after day and he kept hitting the books diligently. His mother watched and tried to understand what had made the difference.

Finally, Zachary brought home his report card. To his Mom’s great surprise and delight, Zachary had got an 'A' in math. 

She could no longer hold her curiosity and said, 'Son, what was it?

Was it the nuns?'

Zachary shook his head, and said, ”No Mom”..

Well, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Zachary answered, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't  fooling around.'

Happy Easter Everyone

Saturday, March 30, 2013


A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of  the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what  was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just  recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.  

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his    mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.   

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.  

'I  thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.  

'I did,' he said, 'and she told me to stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick  me up from school.'  

Friday, March 29, 2013

Economics explained in rare simplicity


You have 2 cows.  You give one to your neighbour. 


  You have 2 cows    The State takes both and gives you some milk.  


  You have 2 cows.    The State takes both and sells you some milk.  


  You have 2 cows.  The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.  



  You have two cows.    You sell one and buy a bull.  

  Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.  

  You sell them and retire on the income.  



  You have two cows.  You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.  

  The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.  

  The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.  



  You have two cows.  You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.  

  Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has died.  



  You have two cows.You go on strike, because you want three cows.  



  You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.    You decide to have lunch.  


  You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.   You charge the owners for storing them.  



  You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.  

  You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.  

  You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.  



  You have two cows.  You worship them.  


  You have two cows.  Both are mad.  



  Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.    You tell them that you have none.  

  Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.  

  You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.



  You have two cows.  Business seems pretty good.  

  You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.  



  You have two cows.  The one on the left looks very attractive.  



  You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.  You eat both of them.  

  The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.  

  The IMF loans you two cows.  You eat both of them.  

  The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.  

  You are out getting a haircut.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Simple Truths


Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.



When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Wal-Mart Interview

Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

  The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'    

  The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT..' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

  'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.                         

  'And, now you sir?' she asked the second man..

  'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

  'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.'                            

  She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

  'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

  Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

  Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

  Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

  'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...

  'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already messed my pants.'

  BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

  You'll probably think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.

Sons grow up so soon......

A young teenage boy comes home at 7pm,

His dad says "Where were you ?"
"I was with Sarah." He replied.
"What were you doing ?"
"We were studying."
After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are great."
"Wash your hands son; they're donuts."

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Exciting Period

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they had found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period," said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about that?" 

"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

Monday, March 11, 2013

Are you a Morganner too?

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, “Surely i can't look that old?

My name is Alice Smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. i noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with that name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. this balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended Morgan park secondary school.

“Yes, yes I did. I'm a Morganner! 'he beamed with pride.

‘When did you leave to go to college?' i asked

“in 1965 why do you ask? he questioned ,

”You were in my class!' i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. then the ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat arsed, grey haired, decrepit, bastard asked.

What did you teach?'