Sons grow up so soon......

A young teenage boy comes home at 7pm,

His dad says "Where were you ?"
"I was with Sarah." He replied.
"What were you doing ?"
"We were studying."
After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are great."
"Wash your hands son; they're donuts."

Are you a Morganner too?

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, “Surely i can't look that old?

My name is Alice Smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. i noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with that name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. this balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended Morgan park secondary school.

“Yes, yes I did. I'm a Morganner! 'he beamed with pride.

‘When did you leave to go to college?' i asked

“in 1965 why do you ask? he questioned ,

”You were in my class!' i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. then the ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat arsed, grey haired, decrepit, bastard asked.

What did you teach?'

HOSPITAL BILL

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store
clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery...

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard
loaded with several forms, and a pen.

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly,

"Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Old Navy Pilot, Starbucks and a young woman

You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!
An old Navy Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old Navy leather flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee..  As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the pilot and asked, Are you a real pilot?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans.... Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Skyraider and Cougars..
I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down near the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth. Frogs are good
bass bait.
 
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in
my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.  So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.  Its eyes rolled back, and it went limp.  I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.

Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that damn snake ... with
two more frogs.
 
Life is good in the South.

Aliens in Texas

Two aliens landed in the Texas desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocussed his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never Fuck with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.

Trevor’s Tortured Testicular Tale

Aussie humour at its best ..

Sex with Fanny Green Confessions

An Irish man went to confession. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession.and I had sex with Fanny Green twice.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You’re forgiven if you say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next day, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.

The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was very short,. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman sat.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'

The bug-eyed boy who couldn't believe his ears managed to calmly reply,

'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from the stained glass windows '.

The Tax Man

At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick!"

Husband Store

Coming round again here is a timeless oldie

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

The original that we posted in 2008 has the rest of the story >> Husband Store

Forgot my glasses ....

Yesterday, for something useful to do, my daughter suggested I go to the senior center and hang out.

I did and when I got home I told her I had joined a parachute club.

"Are you nuts? You're 75 and you're going to jump out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

"Dad, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!" and even worse, its for five jumps a week!

Its Life as a senior is not getting always easy.

Snotty Receptionist

Yesterday I was sitting in a crowded doctors waiting room and an retired guy came in and went to the counter He looked a bit on edge as he approached the receptionist's and gave her his name. A large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler, she said in a very loud voice, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the people snapped their heads around too see a very embarrassed man, But he quickly recovered and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I’VE COME TO ABOUT MY SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS." The room erupted in applause! DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS

Chicken and the Horse Joke

Suicide Message

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

THE QUEEN'S RIDDLE

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England .  He asked her, "Your
Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? 

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, "But how do I know the people are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of her tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here?"
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please,  Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president the same
question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister.  Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..."

Biden went to his advisors and asked every one, but none knew. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me?  Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.  Who is it?"
Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!"  Then, he went back to Obama.
"Say,  I did some research and the answer is. It’s Colin Powell!"

Obama got up and angrily yelled into his face, "No! you idiot!  It's Tony Blair!"

Father O’Rally

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'

'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,

Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.