"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Monday, July 29, 2019

Generation Name Pole: Do we need more Z's in Generation Z?

My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
❗️We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...
❗️I live in a semi-rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
❗️ My daughter went to Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
❗️ I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
❗️ The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....
❗️ When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....

Tuesday, April 23, 2019

Questions - If your Auntie had balls would she be your Uncle?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're OK..? (then it's you!

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?               

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called  Holes?  
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Odd, isn't it that a person who plays the piano is called a pianist, but a race car driver is not a racist?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?  Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hope there is something new to eat?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!  A day without sunshine is,  like...........night!!!!

Why do Irish gentlemen prefer Blondes?

In Galway Ireland on a bitterly cold winter morning during breakfast, a husband and wife were listening to the radio.

The announcer said, "We will have 8 inches of snow today, so please park on the even-numbered side so the snowploughs can get through. The husband then went out and moved the car.

A week later at breakfast again, the radio said, "We are expecting 12 inches of snow today. Please park on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowploughs can get through. The good man went out and moved the car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the announcer says, "We are expecting 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."

Just then the power went out and a worried look came on the husband's face as he said. "Well that's just fine isn't it, how can I know what to do?"

With love and understanding and following the blonde wife's code to let husbands believe they are naturally smarter, she said, "Darling, Why don't you leave the car in the garage this time."

Sunday, April 21, 2019

Best Quote of Any Era

 Cicero, in 55 BC said 

"The Budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced,the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed, lest Rome will become bankrupt. People must again learn to work instead of living on public assistance."

Evidently, we've learned bugger all in 2,500 years.

Friday, February 9, 2018

It's been a while Andrew. I heard from Andy you are doing OK 
Here is something to make you laugh ....................
A teacher was helping her third-grade students with a math problem. After choosing a student in particular, she recited the following story:
“Billy, there are three birds sitting on a telephone wire. A man with a gun shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?”
The boy pauses. “None,” he replied thoughtfully.
“No, no, no. Let’s try again, maybe you didn’t hear me correctly,” the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers.
“There are three birds sitting on a wire. A man with a gun shoots one,” she puts down one finger, “how many birds are left on the wire?”
“None,” the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. “Tell me how you came up with that.”
“It’s simple,” says the boy, “after the man shot one bird, the noise from the gun scared the other two away.” “Well,” she says, “that’s not technically correct, but I like the way you think.”

“Thanks,” chimes the boy, “now let me ask you a question.”
“Okay,” she said guardedly.
“There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles.  One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?” he asked innocently.
The teacher looked at the boy’s angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red.
“C’mon,” the boy said impatiently, “which one is it, the one licking the popsicle, the one biting it, or the one sucking it?
Which one is married?”
“Well, uh,” she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied,
“the one who’s sucking?”
“Naw,” he says with surprise, “the one with the wedding ring.
But I like the way you think.”