"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Caine wasn't Able so Eve Adam - A Story of the Birds and the Bees!!!


God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to Him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?' God explained that To him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said , 'What is a Hill?' So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, 'On The other side of the Hill you will find a Cave.'

 Adam said, 'What's a Cave?' After God explained, He said, 'In the cave You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?' So God explained That to him, too. Then, God said, 'I Want you to Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?' God first said (under His breath), 'Geez....' And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down Into the valley, Across the river, and Over  the hill, into the Cave, and finds the Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back. God, His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily, 'What is it Now?'

And Adam said....

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(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

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'What's a headache?'

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Having the age old time of your life?

I very quietly confided to my best friend that 
I was having an affair.

She turned and asked me, "Are you having it catered?" 
 And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD"!

#2
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied: "Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
#3
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
#4
I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,  can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.  Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
#5
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,  by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
#6
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
#7
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
#8
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
#9
It's scary when you start making the same noises  as your coffee maker.
#10
These days about half the stuff  in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
#11
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me senility to forget the people  I never liked , the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and  the eyesight to tell the difference.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Would the Real Murderer Please Stand Up?

Breaking news. At a 1994 awards dinner for Forensic Science Professionals (AAFS), its President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.

Here is the story….

On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus, and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency.   As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers, and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun!   The man was so upset that when he pulled the
trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.   When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'

When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident  It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the
propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist….

Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.  This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.

The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

Clamed as a true story from Associated Press.- HFAO source Dave Whylie - NZ

Monday, September 14, 2015

Carburetor Frozen

People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.

Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.

“What’s the matter? asked the Trooper

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"I can't," said the biker.

"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.

Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."

Friday, September 4, 2015

Questions - If your Auntie had balls would she be your Uncle?

Why  isn't the number 11 pronounced  onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoy it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't  they just stale bread to begin with?               

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called  Holes?  
                     
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
                  
Why is  a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
        
If it's true that we are here to help  others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians  can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners  depressed?
      
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'
 
What  hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald  men?
                      
I  thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?                   
                      
Why do  they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?  Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
                       
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
                       
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Why,  Why, Why do we press  harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when  someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Do you  ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first  place?

And A FAVOURITE:
The statistics on sanity say that one  out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental  illness. Think of your three best friends.
If they're OK..? (then it's  you!

A day without  a smile is like a day without sunshine!  And a  day without sunshine is,  like...........night!!!!