"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Merry Xmas 2013

Merry Christmas everyone .Here is a thought at Christmasimage

And Please drink responsibly – sit down so you don’t spill any!

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Christmas poem for you

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
The whole damned family was drunk as a louse.
Grandpa and Grandma were singing a song,
And the kid in the bed was flogging his dong.
Ma home from the cat house, and me out of jail,
Had just crawled in bed for a piece of tail.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I jumped out of bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flies like a flash,
Threw open the window, and fell on my ass.
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,
Gave a whore house luster to the objects below.
When what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
Out an old rusty sleigh, and eight  mangy reindeer.
With a little old driver holding his dick,
I knew in a moment that bastard was Nick.
Slower than snails hill coursers they came,
He bitched and he swore and he called them by name.
Dancer, now Prancer, up over those walls,
Quick now damn it, or I'll cut off your balls.
Then up on the roof he stumbled and fell,
And down the chimney like a bat out of hell.
I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight,
Piss on you all, this is a hell of a night!

Monday, December 23, 2013

Brilliant Photography by Put to Music

Make sure you go full screen and your sound on so you don’t miss the full creative beauty of nature .

This simply beautiful animal & landscape photography by Wyman Meinzler, a Texas state photographer, is elevated to the realms of amazing when combined with a classic Doug Smith piano recital. The Doug Smith brilliance blends superbly with his banjo and fiddle accompaniment and times beautifully to the mastery of the photos with mood transitions perfectly arranged to the shifts in tempo.

Meinzler who used to live in the old jail in Benjamin, it is said,at times he crawled a long way on his belly to get a good shot of a wild animal. The photo of the coiled rattlesnake in this series is one such picture. That appeared on the cover of a wildlife magazine in the 80s.

Doug Smith’s music is from one his many CD’s. Sadly a pickup accident paralysed him so he does not play anymore. When he did this maestro musician played only by ear and did not read music.


The pictures were taken in the TX rolling plains, cap rock to Seymour , the Fork, 6666, Waggoner Ranches and  Palo Duro Canyon .

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Warning: Drinking may cause a illusion of feeling mary and gay.

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a spaz.

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

" Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Girls night out.

Two friends, had gone for a girl's night out - both were very beautiful and loving wives.

However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing rather expensive panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next a grave that had a wreath with ribbon on it, so she used that.

They then proceeded home.

The next day, one husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other's husband and said, 'These dam girls' night out have got to stop - I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties.'

You think that's bad' said the other husband, 'Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck in her bum that says...."From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you"

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

The little girl asks her mum story.

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says,
'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
You'll love this!!!!!!!!!).................

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Humping Symphony – a new Andrew Boyd Web Musical without sound


Post Turtles

While stitching a cut on the hand of an old local farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders. 
The old rancher said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come
across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he
doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his
ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up
there to begin with."
Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

^ Degrees of Blond

This blond joke sent to me by my dear blond friend is to welcome back a mate who just got back into the stirrups after a heart attack. (I know some people will do anything for a day off, but try as they did they could not prove malingering.)

Here you go!

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
And then and hung up grumpily after she said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' .
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
Some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-: *?`?*

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on The sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the Mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde Says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,. -:*?`?*:-..,_,-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, So she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment Unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him In the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
She is overcome with grief.She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-: *?`?*

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-: *?`?*

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? 'Is it mine?'
`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-: *?`?*

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps..
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.'
`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,-:*?`?*:-...,_,.-: *?`?*

Monday, December 2, 2013

How Babies are Made

Canadian photographer Patrice Laroche surely will have no trouble explaining to his kids about the birds and the bees.

During his wife Sandra’s pregnancy, the artist created this hilarious explanatory photo series titled

“How to Make a Baby”...

The creative couple planned and carried out their project throughout the whole period of 9 months, taking pictures in the exact same settings as Sandra’s belly expanded.

The pregnancy saga of Sandra and Patrice basically denounces all the traditional cabbage and the stork stories.












Now how could I not have shared this with you - go ahead, smile and enjoy your day!!

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Beer, fishing, golf and sex

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."