"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Israel’s new Cutting Edge Airport Security

TEL AVIV, Israel The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.
clip_image001It's an armoured booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling.

It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.

Shortly thereafter, an announcement: Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London . Shalom! .

Monday, August 27, 2012

We Invented Sex

A Greek and an Italian were discussing who had the Superior Culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."

The Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek says, "We gave birth to mathematics."

The Italian says, "We built the Roman Empire."

On and on it went until the Greek comes up with what he's sure will end it all. He says, "We invented Sex!"

The Italian replies, "That's true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

Sunday, August 26, 2012


They certainly don't make them like that anymore. This man Owned & Drove Same Car for 82 YEARS. Can you imagine having the same car for 82 years?

"How Long Have You Owned a Car?"

Mr Allen Swift ( Springfield , MA.) received this 1928 Rolls-Royce Piccadilly-P1 Roadster from his father, brand new - as a graduation gift in 1928.

He drove it up until his death last year.....at the age of 102. He was the oldest living owner of a car that was purchased new. 

It was donated to a Springfield museum after his death.

It has 1,070,000 miles on it, still runs like a Swiss watch, dead silent at any speed and is in perfect cosmetic condition. (82 years). That's approximately 13,048 miles per year.


Here is verification at the link below that this story is not only true, Mr Swift also donated USD $1,000,000 to the Springfield Museum purchase A suitable building to show the car and other historical items from Springfield Massachusetts.(see Springfield Museum post January 2006)

Monday, August 20, 2012

Better Man

After the Jubilee concert, Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.

Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings. With a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless!

He stands back and tells Elton, "Your turn!" 

Elton bursts into tears.

"What's up?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!!”

Friday, August 17, 2012



I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!

They are questioning the number of dependents I claimed.

In response to the question, "List all dependents?" I replied:

12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps,

2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.


Thursday, August 16, 2012

KULULA Airlie customer service with humour


Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said,
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Kulula employee:
"Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."



Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Phone Call


**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe .'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe .'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**
Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, honey?' **
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!!  What about your Uncle Gabe ?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too..**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool..**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool?  .............**
**Is this 486-5731 ?'*
**No, I think you have the wrong number.........*

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

The Blonde and the Cow

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Northern Territory cattle station owner
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the stockman says to Amy,  

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The stockman leaves for the outback paddocks. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when

Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
clip_image001Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

( It's nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.)

Monday, August 13, 2012

Ronald Regan - Selected Memoirs

"Socialism only works in two places: Heaven where they don't need it and hell where they already have it."

-Ronald Reagan

'Here's my strategy on the Cold War:We win, they lose.'

- Ronald Reagan

'The most terrifying words In the English language are:

I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'

-Ronald Reagan

The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant; it's just that they know so much that isn't so.'

-Ronald Reagan

'Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong.

- Ronald Reagan

'I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress..

-Ronald Reagan

'The taxpayer: That's someone who works For the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.'

- Ronald Reagan

'Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility

at the other'

- Ronald Reagan

'The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.'

- Ronald Reagan

It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession.

I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first'

- Ronald Reagan

'Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:

If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving,subsidize it'

- Ronald Reagan

'Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed,

there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.'

- Ronald Reagan

'No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.'

- Ronald Reagan

'If we ever forget that we're one nation under GOD, then we will be a nation gone under.'

-Ronald Reagan

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Fw: Sign of Alzheimer disease

Sign of Alzheimer disease
Let's check if you have early signs of Alzheimer. Do the test and find out.

Alzheimer's Test
How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
3. P_N_S
4. PU_S_
5. S_X
6. BOO_S

Answers:1. RANDOM
5. SIX

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
You do NOT have an Alzheimer's Problem. 
You have a Sex Problem!
 WATCH IT......
When forwarding, please don't forget to delete my email address


Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company..
One afternoon her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..
'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' he replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..



Phone rings, woman answers.
The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"
Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching the football - who shall I say is calling?"

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

You cant fix Stupid - North

While looking at a house, my brother asked the blond estate agent lady which direction was North
He said he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the North?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime.

She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Marriage Lines

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

You cant fix Stupid - Lifesaver

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

You cant fix Stupid - Dead

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.....'Look at that dead bird!' People around looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

Does your shower have those Grippy things?

Monday, August 6, 2012


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

You cant fix Stupid - Sunburn

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Lap Dancing

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

Dinner Options

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

Let us pray

Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folks.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Irish Nuns

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other,
"I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as
well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs, get your dogs
here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart. "Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps
both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry
to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior was first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then after staring at it for a moment, leans to the
other Nun and in a soft brogue whispers.
"What part did you get?"

Friday, August 3, 2012

I found this really hard to believe!

Look on top of the bridge!  Look VERY closely!

Look a bit closer!




Closer yet!


Can you believe anyone would drink 'rum and coke' without ice?

Having a quite drink

I was standing in a bar in town yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu,Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"?
"No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer you slanty-eyed prick".

Thursday, August 2, 2012

The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes:

This blonde decides one day that she is  sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes  are perceived as stupid So, she
decides to show her husband  that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she  decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the  house. The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work,  she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home  at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell  of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife  lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is  wearing a heavy
parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He  goes over and asks
her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks  what she is doing and she
replies that she wanted to prove to  him that not all blonde women are
dumb, and she wanted to do it  by painting the house..
He then asks her why she has a  parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading  the directions on the paint can and  it
(You'll love this...)


Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Two Irish Nuns

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other,
"I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.""Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as
well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs, get your dogs
here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart."Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps
both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry
to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers.She begins to blush, and then after staring at it for a moment, leans to the
other Nun and in a soft brogue whispers.
"What part did you get?