"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Snotty Receptionist

imageYesterday I was sitting in a crowded doctors waiting room and an retired guy came in and went to the counter

He looked a bit on edge as he approached the receptionist's and gave her his name.

A large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler, she said in a very loud voice, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the people snapped their heads around too see a very embarrassed man, But he quickly recovered and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I’VE COME TO ABOUT MY SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Mrs Brown and the condom

Being a bit older like the so many who have seen this video I appreciate discussions on matters related to sex is not just for the young.

It is even more humorous when it is openly discussed by the older more experienced. This very BBC skit is an example. ..

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Miracle Impotence Cure Found

imageMy wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

Monday, January 23, 2012

“When God Created Husbands Promise”

 

imageWhile creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world……...

………….Then He made the earth round.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Dolphins are so smart

Did you know that dolphins are so smart, within a few weeks they can train a human to stand on the edge of a pool and throw them fish.

clip_image001

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

PROSTATE CHECKUP

imageAn old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99".The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, "Very good". Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins,

One,

Two,

Three,

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.

You grow old because you stop laughing!!

Monday, January 9, 2012

Places I have been

clip_image001I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots, hear you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with others.

I've never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. I has no airport so you have to be driven there.I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

A Student got 0% on this Exam. I would have given him 100% .

image

 

 

Here are the questions & the student’s answers,

Check how would you go?

 

_______________________________________________________________

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

5 clever ideas to make life easier

Some handy ideas found and assembled in one place on blogs around the web

clip_image001Why didn’t I think of that?! We guarantee you’ll be uttering those words more than once at these ingenious little tips, tricks and ideas that solve everyday problems … some you never knew you had!

 

(Above: hull strawberries easily using a straw).
.

clip_image002Via: apartmenttherapy.com
Rubbing a walnut over scratches in your furniture will disguise dings and scrapes.
.

 


.clip_image003Via: unplggd.com
Remove crayon masterpieces from your TV or computer screen with WD40 (also works on walls).

.
.clip_image004Via: athomewithrealfood.blogspot.com
Stop cut apples browning in your child’s lunch box by securing with a rubber band..

 

..

clip_image005Via: MailScanner has detected a possible fraud attempt from "www.marthastewart.com" claiming to be marthastewart..com

Overhaul your linen cupboard – store bedlinen sets inside one of their own pillowcases and there will be no more hunting through piles for a match.
.clip_image006Via: realsimple.com
Pump up the volume by placing your iPhone / iPod in a bowl – the concave shape amplifies the music.

 

.
.clip_image007Via: savvyhousekeeping.com
Re-use a wet-wipes container to store plastic bags.

 

 

 


.clip_image008Via: iheartnaptime.net
Add this item to your beach bag. Baby powder gets sand off your skin easily – who knew?!
.

 

 

.clip_image009Via: realsimple.com
Attach a velcro strip to the wall to store soft toys.

 

..

 

clip_image010Via: flickr.com
Look up! Use wire to make a space to store gift wrap rolls against the ceiling, rather than cluttering up the floor.
..

 

clip_image011Via: instructables.com
Gotcha! Find tiny lost items like earrings by putting a stocking over the vacuum hose.
..

 

 

clip_image012Via: realsimple.com
Make an instant cupcake carrier by cutting crosses into a box lid.
..

 

 

clip_image013Via: stephmodo.com
For those who can’t stand the scrunching and bunching: how to perfectly fold a fitted sheet.
.

 

 

 

 

 

clip_image014Via: sprwmn.blogspot.com
Forever losing your bathroom essentials? Use magnetic strips to store bobby pins (and tweezers and clippers) behind a vanity door
.

 

clip_image015Via: realsimple.com
A tip for holiday packing. Store shoes inside shower caps to stop dirty soles rubbing on your clothes. And you can find them in just about every hotel!
.


.clip_image016Via: familyfun.go.com
A muffin pan becomes a craft caddy. Magnets hold the plastic cups down to make them tip-resistant.

 

 


.clip_image017Via: unplggd.com
Bread tags make the perfect-sized cord labels.
.

 

clip_image018Via: kiboomu.com
Bake cupcakes directly in ice-cream cones – so much more fun and easier for kids to eat.
..

 

 

 

 

clip_image019Via: squawkfox.com
Microwave your own popcorn in a plain brown paper bag. Much healthier and cheaper than the packet stuff.
..

 

 

clip_image020Via: MailScanner has detected a possible fraud attempt from "smg.photobucket.com" claiming to be photobucket.com
Brilliant space-saver: install a tension rod to hang your spray bottles. Genius!
..

 

clip_image021Via: 9gag.com
Win friends at breakfast with this heart-shaped egg tutorial. Aww shucks!
.

 

 

 


.clip_image022Via: wilton.com
Turn your muffin pan upside down, bake cookie-dough over the top and voila – you have cookie bowls for fruit or ice-cream. Click here for recipe.


.
.clip_image023

Via: realsimple.com
Freeze Aloe Vera in ice-cube trays for soothing sunburn relief.

 


.clip_image024

Via: MailScanner has detected a possible fraud attempt from "www.lifehacker.com..au" claiming to be lifehacker.com.au
Gutter garden: Create a window-box veggie patch using guttering.
.

 

clip_image025Via: re-nest.com Use egg cartons to separate and store your Christmas decorations.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

The Fisherman and the Talking Frog

clip_image001A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ‘Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.’ Pick me up, then kiss me, and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you crazy? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,  'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.

clip_image002

' With age comes wisdom.

Friday, January 6, 2012

The Hooker- Immigrant style

imageAn illegal immigrant picks up a hooker ........ "Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.

"$ 100" she replies.

In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"

"No" she says.

"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you $300."

"No," she says.

"I pay you $400."

"No," she says. So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request; from weirdo’s, from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?" So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government." ....

...AND THAT MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYERS, IS EXACTLY WHAT THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE DOING TO US!

Question: Is sex Work?

 imageA Navy Colonel was about to start the morning briefing .

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel posed a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. And he then posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chipped in with “its 75% work:. A Captain came back with 50%-50%. and a lieutenant said “I vote its 75% in favor of pleasure, depending on my inebriation state at the time.”

Being no consensus, the colonel asked to the PFC making coffee for his opinion.

“Without hesitation he replied “Sir, I say it has to be 100% pleasure.”

The Colonel, surprised by his directness, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them..

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Norwegian Love Story

imageOle and Lena lived by a lake in nordern Nort Dakota (maybe Lake Metigoshe.) It vas early vinter and da lake had frozen over.

Ole asked Lena if she vould go to da yeneral store to get him some smokes.

She asked him for some money, but he said , “Nah, yust put it on our tab.”

So Lena valked across da frozen lake , got the smokes Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes, she asked him, “Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da store. Why didn’t you yust give me some money?”

Ole replied, “Vell, I didn’t vant to send you out dere vit some money ven I vasn’t sure how tick the ice vas yet.”

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Granny's Back

If sex was an Olympic event you'd be a natural , Once every four years.
clip_image001

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Why Parents Drink

imageThe boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper 'Hello ?'.  'Is your daddy home?' 'Yes, he's out in the garden', whispered the small voice.  'May I talk with him?' The child whispered, 'No'.

So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?' 'Yes, she's out in the garden too'.  The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?'  Again the small voice whispered, 'No'.

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' 'Yes', whispered the child, 'a policeman'.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' 'No, he's busy' whispered the child.  'Busy doing what?' 'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men.' Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background.

The boss asked, 'What is that noise?' 'It's a helicopter' answered the whispering voice.  'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. 'The search team just landed a helicopter'
A search team?' said the boss.  'What are they searching for?  Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle....   'ME '

Monday, January 2, 2012

CONDOM HISTORY

Interesting piece of history!

imageIn 1272, the New Zealanders invented the condom, using a sheep's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the sheep first.