"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Todays Wisdom - Nov 29 2008

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. - Clarence Darrow

Speak the truth, but leave immediately after. - Slovenian Proverb

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. - Johnny Carson

Thursday, November 27, 2008

He finally did it!!!

There sure are some very humorous people left in this world...

Today's Wisdom Nov 26-2008

I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened. - Mark Twain

There is no abstract art. You must always start with something. Afterward you can remove all traces of reality. - Pablo Picasso

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Dear Hannah

Dear Hannah,

Here is an email I sent out to the world a year ago.

Since then so much has happened and now you are 1 year old.

Happy Birthday Hannah

All our Love

Grand-pop & Nanna

This is the letter

Dear Friends and Colleagues,
On Monday afternoon, Marg and I become grandparents for the first time.
We are thrilled to be able to tell everyone our news.

Monday Nov 26, 2007

Dan Wood and Lisa Zammit, became proud parents of their new daughter, Hannah Rose Wood, a healthy 8lb5oz 3.77kg who arrived by cesarean birth at the Freemason Private Hospital in Melbourne at 4:21 PM on Monday Nov 26 2007.

Mother and Baby are both well. Father is still on a cloud.

As new Grandparents we are ecstatic, as are the rest of our family and also first timers, Auntie Kate, Uncle Trevor & Great Granddad Bill.

Warmest regards

Gordon & Marg Wood

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Did you know we are related?

Did you know the Jing-Jo may be your second cousin.

It seems this Aussie icon has more in common with humans than scientists had thought. The kangaroo last shared a common ancestor with humans 150 million years ago.

Read more>>

Being a able to jump around would be good fun but also consider the possiblity of bringing back someone from the dead.

"It could be done. The question is, just because we might be able to do it one day, should we do it?" Maybe for a rich Uncle who left you a lot of money, it would be a nice thing to do!!


Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

One Liners & quotable quotes

Looking for some great one liners.

We have begun creating a database of quotes from famous people. This is being updated regularly as we find more. So bookmark this blog entry for future reference.

Here are a few of my favourites:

”‘Nobody goes there anymore; it is too crowded." & "You can observe a lot by watching "
Yogi Berra" An American baseball hero who has has a such wonderfully dry quick witted delivery and very clever style that makes him so quotable.

"A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool."; "A friend in the court is better than a penny in the purse." & "let Boldness be my friend".

William Shakespere :So much can be said about this man but need not be. As he is at the very heart of our English language.

"You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." "Naked people have little or no influence on society"; "A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes." & "Action speaks louder than words, but not nearly as often."

Samuel Langhorne Clemens (November 30, 1835 – April 21, 1910), better known by the pen name Mark Twain, was an American humorist, satirist, lecturer and writers.

Click here for more>>

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Farming is tough

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket To show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?

'She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?

'He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'

The farmer said, Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?

'He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.

She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'

Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Good, Better, Best

A cop was watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem- a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just mow lawns!)

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post with a Fine of $160 included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen's Ball.' He replied, 'New Zealand Police don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realised what he'd just said. He closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.     


Sunday, November 2, 2008

Investment tips

For those with any money left the next big wave will be mergers. So that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks, watch for these consolidations in 2009:
  1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R.Grace Co. will merge as become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
  2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
  3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
  4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .
  5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
  6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
  7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
  8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:Knott NOW!
  9. And finally, Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will mergeunder the new name: TittyTittyBangBang