"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Friday, January 31, 2014

Does a Rose by Another Colour Smell the Same

Why do baby diapers have brand names such as  "Luvs",  "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are  called "Depends". 

Well here is the low down.

When babies crap their pants, people still   Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper em.

When old people crap in their pants,  it "Depends" on who's in the will

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Boat For Sale

Dave was walking past Mick's house and saw a sign, "Boat For Sale."

He knew Mick didn't own a boat, so he decided to go and ask him about it.

"Hey Mick,"I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat.

All ya have is your old John Deere tractor and combine."

Mick replied "Yup, and they're boat for sale."

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Stevie Wonder & Tiger Woods go drinking

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...Tiger asks  Stevie , "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball
Towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie: "Just Pick a night."

Saturday, January 18, 2014

The Bridge

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help and how I can make a woman truly happy.' 

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge'

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Getting old does always means being a slow thinker

An elderly man in the Atherton Tablelands had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a twenty litre bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. 
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile...'

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Statue in every room

The Italian building a house insisted to his architect that there must be a ring place in every room for ‘is statue. Later during construction he repeated this to the builder who assured him it would be done.

At the final inspection he saw bedside the door of every room, there was a marble base ring with a small Statue of David mounted on it.

“What is it with all the Michael Angelo's, ” asked the Italian

“The architect responded,  “didn't we agree to have a base ring in every room to place a statue on. The base comes with this plaster sample which you can replace with your real ones”

“No-No”, moaned the Italian , “I want a ring place where people say  “hello is-stat-u?”

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Sex all night

My new neighbour is single.and lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room and I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street in the rain and up my driveway. She knocked on my door as I rushed to open it.


She looked at me, and said, "I just got home, and I am so horny!  I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have sex all night long! Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free.. I have no plans at all!"

"Good”, she said,  “In that case, would you look after my dog?"

Monday, January 6, 2014

Mother’s Milk

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room. The doctor called then in and examined the baby. When he checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal.

The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," the woman replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked.

She did.

He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Simple Explanation

The mother-in-law comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase.

"What happened?" she asked.

Son in law: "What happened? - I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to Mary saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found?....... My wife, yes your daughter, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I  will leave forever!"

"Calm down!" says mother-in-law, "There is something odd about this story. Mary would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened."

Moments later she comes back with a big smile.

"You see, I told you there must be a simple explanation..............Mary didn't receive your email"

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mom I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit.
After dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain ...
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties
He in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied:
"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same --
She stood there wearing the black lacy panties,
And he was in his birthday suit --
But now he was wearing a black condom...
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied,
"I want to offer my deepest condolences"

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Saxophone Bar

A guy comes home drunk. His wife, is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this new bar called the  "The Golden Saloon. Everything is golden. It's got huge golden
doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!", " he says.

The wife doesn't believe him, so next day she checks the phone book and calls up a place called The Golden Saloon.

"Is this The Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"  "Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"  "Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"