"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Answers to the 5 most FAQs

A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

A: Melt them to make a Goodyear tire

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house ans car .

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...


Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

3 Kids Fishing

Julia "BIG~RED" Gillard (The Australian Prime Minster) was out walking one morning. Crossing a bridge she tripped and fell over the railing into the river below.

Before the security guys could get to her, 3 kids fishing pulled her from the water. She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, I want to go to Disney World & Julia said, 'No problem, I'll take you there in my Royal Australia Air Force plane.

The second kid said, I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes. Julia said, I'll get them and even have Michael Jordan sign them.

The third kid said, I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.

Julia a little perplexed said, but you don't look handicapped.

The kid said I will be when my dad finds I saved you drowning.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Simple Truths

SIMPLE TRUTH 1  Partners help each other undress before sex. However after, they dress on their own.
Moral In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2  When a lady is pregnant, her friends touch her stomach and say "congrats". But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job". 

Moral Hard work is never appreciated.


Editorial comment Guys I think we should start an affirmative action group against discrimination of men...We work hard and need our penis rubbed too.

Friday, June 17, 2011

I didn’t know cockroaches starve when beheaded

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life....quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing..)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.In other words, send it to everyone!

(and God love that pig!)

Thursday, June 16, 2011


I do this all the time! I guess I won't be doing it ANY more !


A few days ago, a person was recharging his mobile phone at home.

Just at that time a call came in and he answered it with the charging Instrument still connected to the outlet.


After a few seconds electricity flowed into the cell phone unrestrained and the young man was thrown to the floor with a heavy thud. As you can see, the phone actually exploded.

His parents rushed to the room only to find him unconscious, with a weak heartbeat and burnt fingers.


He was rushed to the nearby hospital, but was pronounced dead on arrival.

Cell phones are a very useful modern invention.


However, we must be aware that it can also be an instrument of death.

Never use the cell phone while it is hooked to the electrical outlet! If you are charging the cell phone and a call comes in, unplug it from the charger and outlet.


Whether or not they have a cell phone. They can also inform others who do......

Surgical Services


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Racing Commentator Faux pas

1. Ted Walsh ( Horse Racing Commentator ) - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn ( weightlifting commentator ) - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it..'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

A Few Laughs


Revenge is sweet

Golf for Beginners

A Jolly Good Recovery

Sunday, June 12, 2011

income tax time

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:
When you put the two words 'The ' and 'IRS' together, it spells

Science question

A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs Parks, asked her class, "Which

human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, “You should not be asking 6th graders a

question like that!

I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" She then sat

back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size

when stimulated? Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she’s gonna

get in big trouble” The teacher said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times

its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then turned to Molly and continued, “As for you, young lady, I

have three things to say:

First, you have a dirty mind.

Second, you didn't read your homework.

And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed."

Saturday, June 11, 2011


The flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super....'

On  his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can  pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said,

'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a  beat,

'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm  called a Queen, so I outrank you.  Tray-up, Bitch'

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Who the hell is Larry??

Well, Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says

"Where the hell have you been?"

Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo"? she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? she said, shaking her head in disgust.

"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed

on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here
at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is in the Hospital, room 233.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who the one in charge was.
clip_image004'I should be in charge,' said the brain,
'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'
'I should be in charge,' said the blood ,
'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'
'I should be in charge,' said the stomach,
'because I process food and give all of you energy.'
clip_image006'I should be in charge,' said the legs,
'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'
clip_image007'I should be in charge,' said the eyes,
'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'
clip_image008'I should be in charge,' said the rectum,
'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The arse hole is usually the one in charge!