2+2+2 = @#!!#!

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?

A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a cat!!!

Americans take their politics seriously

Burt, my American mate took a Cadillac Escalade for a test before they become extinct...The salesman sat in the back seat and described the car and all its wonderful options. 

“One features he explained was the seats direct warm air to your butt in the winter and cool air in the heat of summer .

Burt commented that the the car must be a Republican car.

The salesman annoyed asked why he thought it was a Republican car?

Burt explained that if it were a Democrat car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

Burt had to walk back to the dealership...

Real Aussie Court Item 12659 Case of the pregnant lady

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused when on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat under a sweets sign that said: "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said: "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

The flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super....'

On  his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can  pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said,

'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a  beat,

'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm  called a Queen, so I outrank you.  Tray-up, Bitch'

The Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who the one in charge was.
'I should be in charge,' said the brain,
'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'

'I should be in charge,' said the blood ,
'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'
'I should be in charge,' said the stomach,
'because I process food and give all of you energy.'
'I should be in charge,' said the legs,
'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'
'I should be in charge,' said the eyes,
'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'
'I should be in charge,' said the rectum,
'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The arse hole is usually the one in charge!

Who's your baby’s Daddy?

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,'

Or putting it another way...  Who's your baby's Daddy? 

These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.
1.  Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night. 

2...  I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken
unexpectedly from behind.  I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 

3..  I do not know the name of the father of my little girl.  She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night.  I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted.  If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number?  Thanks...  (The runner-up).

4.  I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter.  He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.  Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5.  I have never had sex with a man.  I am still a Virginian.  I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again. 

6.  I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy  I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country..  Please advise. 

7.  I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me. 

8.  Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A.  If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?  Child B who was also borned at the same time.....  well, I don't have clue.. 

9.  From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World.  Maybe it really is the Magic
Kingdom . 

10.  So much about that night is a blur.  The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.  If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized. 

11.  I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.  (This made number #1).

DOG FOR SALE

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.  I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

Police ticket issue video comment recordings

 

The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country.

Count down to #1...

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."\

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. "

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend
of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

The envelope please.............AND THE WINNER IS ...

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY

It is reported this actually took place in Charlotte North Carolina...

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with it.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA 

DOES THIS SOUND LIKE ANYONE YOU KNOW?

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding.
Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.
I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You know, you just can't fix stupid

My Dog

I went down this morning to sign up my dog for unemployment benefit. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw unemployment". So I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no friggin’ clue who his father is. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My Dog gets his first cheque on Friday! Damn this is a great country.

Dispute Between Neighbours

A town councillor in Wales, Mark Easton, had a beautiful view of the mountains, until a new neighbour purchased the land below his house and built a new home.

The new home was 18 inches higher than the planning dept had approved, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the local authority to make sure they enforced the roof line height.

The new neighbour had to drop the roof height, at great expense.
Recently, Mark Easton called the planning dept, and informed them that his new neighbour had installed some vents on the side of his new property.

Mark didn't like the look of these vents and asked the planning dept to investigate.

When they went to Mark's home to see what the vents looked like, this is what they found...

The Local Authority said the vents can stay since there is no planning law referring to shutter design.