"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Treatment fro a Black Eye

I didn't know this!  


For years, the conventional wisdom has been that the best treatment for a black eye is to cover it with a piece of raw meat.

Scientific studies have proven that while the raw meat helps reduce the swelling and aids in the healing process, applying cold meat actually delays the recovery of the broken blood vessels that cause the bruising around the orbital socket , while frozen meat may cause superficial thermal burns to the skin.

These same studies demonstrated that application of warm and tender meat is much more effective in helping the eyes recover from the damage because the bruising isn't compounded by thermal shock.

Therefore, the next time you get a black eye, try this method:


Administer treatment until pain and swelling are gone.

Caution:  This method may cause swelling in other areas.

Saturday, March 29, 2014


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said : "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mum, Ann : "Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce : "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names : Brandy and Sherry.

You even called the cat, "Whisky". He then turned to the fourth Mum June : "Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy."

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered : "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Fanny and Willy and go home."

Masculine Moments

Masculine Moments

Friday, March 28, 2014


A cheerful truck driver pulled up at a roadside cafe in the middle of the night for a dinner stop.

Halfway through his meal, three wild-looking motorcyclists roared up–bearded, leather-jacketed, filthy.

For no reason at all, they selected the truck driver as a target. One poured pepper over his head,

another stole his apple pie, the third deliberately tipped his coffee over.

The truck driver never said one word, just stood up, paid his check, and left.

“That truck driver sure ain’t much of a fighter,” sneered one of the bikers.

The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night, added, “He doesn’t seem to be much of a truck driver, either.

He just ran his truck right over three motorcycles.”

Thursday, March 27, 2014

PAM AYRES - My Sat Nav

I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life

It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive

"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear

And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed

It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Grazinski - Hoax or Not

Some jokes I get sent by friends about so called real events are funny because they dwell on our readiness to believe that juries as an institution of the law are mindless collectives that accept what any thinking person would never do.

The story yesterday I have science checked out in Snopes.com (Rumour Has It) on http://www.snopes.com/autos/techno/cruise.asp, tells us if we are having our legs pulled or not…

Here is an extract of what I found

Origins:   Brunvand, the master of urban legends, has a fair bit to say about this legend.
The legend began in the late 1970s when cruise control was first available for RVs (which then was the vehicle always featured in this legend).

In the spring of 2002, a telling of the venerable Cruise Control legend became part of a widely circulated "outrageous lawsuits" list known on the Internet as the "Stella Awards":

In November 2000, Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. ………………………….He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago.

In September 2009, the Grazinski entry reappeared, this time changing the hapless driver into a woman:

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. …. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home

The Grazinski entry had been added to a compilation of other false entries — it was just another howler tacked on.

Read more at http://www.snopes.com/autos/techno/cruise.asp#mI6Z4Xq2u4flJAWw.99

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'!

If you don't read them all at least read FIRST PLACE


For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. These are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know the kind of cases that make you scratch your head. Here are the Stellas for this past year


Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
Start scratching!


Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps..
Scratch some more...



Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming Undue Mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.
Double hand scratching after this one..



Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbour's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..



Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania - A jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor? Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Only two more so ease up on the scratching...



Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000.... Oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
Ok. Here we go!! Drum roll ...


This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.

Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set.

The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

If you think the court system is out of control and America has lost ALL common sense, be sure to pass this one on

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Grandparents’s Answering Machine

Good morning . . . At present we are not home. Please Leave a message after the beep.
beeeeeppp ....

    • If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5
      in order of "birth arrival" so we know who it is.
    • If you need us to stay with the children, press
    • If you want to borrow the car, press 3
    • If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4
    • If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
    • If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
    • If you want us to prepare a mea! l for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home,press 7
    • If you want to come to eat here, press 8
    • If you need money, press 9
    • If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater, start talking ...... we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Self Exam for Alzheimer's

So you are over 45 ? You SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test.
See how fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _  _NDOM

2. F_  _K

3.  P_N_S

4.  PU_S_

5.  S_X

6.  BOO_S








2.  FORK



5.  SIX


You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

You do NOT have Alzheimer's.
You ARE a disgusting pervert.

Now go and get some help

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Friday’s words of wisdom from Trish Stevens

I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.

On the left side there is nothing right.

And on the right side there is nothing left.

Friday, March 14, 2014

A touching story on how men think……


I know my mate Larry Berizen COO at New York Parking Ticket & a NJ Lawyer will LOL at this one

As she sat by him, he whispered, his eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. 

When my business failed, you were there. 

When I got shot, you were by my side. 

When we lost the house, you stayed right here. 

When my health started failing, you were still by my side... 

You know what Martha?" 

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

Thursday’s words of wisdom from Trish Stevens

image If you cannot afford a doctor, go to an airport – you get a free Xray and a breast exam and: if you mention Al Qaeda you will get a free colonoscopy.

FBI Assassin Recruiting Process

This one is for Andrew at Boo-sa-bar

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair ..... Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to kill him with the chair!

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Wednesday’s words of wisdom from Trish Stevens

Dear Paranoid people who check behind the shower curtains for Murderers, if you do find one what is your plan?

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Froze to Death

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second man. “That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” asks the first.

“It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping.

How did you die?” says the second. “I had a heart attack”, says the first guy. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.

I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”

The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic” he says. “What do you mean?” asks the first man “If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”

Tuesdays words of wisdom from Trish Stevens

I didn't make it to the Gym today. That makes 5 years in a row.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Four worms lesson learned!


A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol
- Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service!

Monday words of wisdom from Trish Stevens

If you love someone let them go. If they come back it means no-one else wanted them.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Don't ever underestimate us old guys.

Larry the Lawyer saw his old friend, Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true.

Tom assured him that it was. Larry then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Larry being a wise man, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, he tactfully suggested Tom consider getting a hired hand to help him on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, Larry ran into Tom in town again.

"How's the new wife?", he asked.

Tom proudly said, "Good - she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too."

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Daddy Longlegs

This one really brought a tear to my eye......very moving.
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stamped them flat...

'Well, we're not having any of that gay stuff in our garden' she said.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

After 100’s of jokes we posted since WD49 finally here is something useful again

FACTS YOU MAY NOT KNOW.....................

  • It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!
  • Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years .
  • Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end .
  • If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is
    Dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
  • Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.
  • Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals
  • Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
  • The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every
    English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.
  • Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent
  • Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F
  • The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
  • Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean
    The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man
  • Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density
  • The University of Alaska spans four time zones
  • The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
  • In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.
  • Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.
  • Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
  • A comet's tail always points away from the sun
  • The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent
  • Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.
  • The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
  • If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
  • When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight
  • In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed
    Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside
  • Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams
  • The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year
  • The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust
  • Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters
  • Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy
  • Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down
  • Everything weighs one percent less at the equator
    For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off
  • The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

Friday, March 7, 2014

They are walking among us!

They Walk Among Us!

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff.....'

They Walk Among Us!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us !

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
They Walk Among Us!

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Wrong Bus

Two Irish mates leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk home.'
'Me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus .'
'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.
At the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing?

“I can't find a No. 91'
“ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Timeless Quotable

It is Interesting all of these quotes are now in the nostalgia category.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - ZsaZsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Wedding Ring

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, married the wrong man."

Saturday, March 1, 2014

You can't fool a Newfie

imageTwo Businessmen make a deal, a Canadian from Newfoundland (Newfie), and a Jew.

The Newfie goes to the Jewish businessman to buy black bras size 38.

The Jew, known for his business skills, says that black bras are rare and from his suppliers.  Therefore he charges $50.00 for them.

The Newfie mutters  Lord Thunderin' Jesus! and buys 25 bras.

When he returns a few days later and this time orders fifty, the Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each, The Newfie reluctantly pays.

The Newfie businessman returns a month later and buys all the Jew’s remaining stock of 50 bras , this time, paying $75.00 each.

The Jew puzzled by the large demand asks the Canadian,  "Please, tell me what you do with all these black bras?

The Newfie then tell him : ‘I cut dem in half and sells them as skull caps to the Jewish folks back home for $100.00 each.'