Why do Irish gentlemen prefer Blondes?

In Galway Ireland on a bitterly cold winter morning during breakfast, a husband and wife were listening to the radio.

The announcer said, "We will have 8 inches of snow today, so please park on the even-numbered side so the snowploughs can get through. The husband then went out and moved the car.

A week later at breakfast again, the radio said, "We are expecting 12 inches of snow today. Please park on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowploughs can get through. The good man went out and moved the car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the announcer says, "We are expecting 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."

Just then the power went out and a worried look came on the husband's face as he said. "Well that's just fine isn't it, how can I know what to do?"

With love and understanding and following the blonde wife's code to let husbands believe they are naturally smarter, she said, "Darling, Why don't you leave the car in the garage this time."

Irishman’s First Drink With his Son

While reading  an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. 

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from our house.

I got him a  Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. 

Then I got him a Kilkenny, he didn't like that either, so I drank it and we tried some Harp Lager?  Same story  I drank it.  He didn't.

Thinking whiskey maybe better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope! 

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's  finest. He wouldn't even  smell it. What could I do but drink it! 

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so loaded I could hardly push his stroller back home!

Irish Bottom

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems.... 'Dactor,  it's me ahrse.. I'd like ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.  So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a  look. 'Incredible 'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged here.'  Tentatively  he eases the twenty out but then a £10 note appears. 'This  is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'  'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the  patient.The doctor pulls out the tenner and another  twenty appears, and another and another and another, and so it goes on..... Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear. 'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just  out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'  The  Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.' 'Ah, dat'd  be roit,'' says the Irishman, I    knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

Plumbers to Note New Government Gazette Definitions of Pipes

Here is a page, I am told came from a 1971 Canberra Royal Commission Report on Building Practices. The final recommendations not acted on by Billy (Big Ears) McMahon as this short lived bumbling Prime Minister, was booted out.

But the findings and this page were resurrected by Tony (The Mad Monk) Abbot, the now incumbent PM. Interestingly Abbot makes Billy look like a statesman.

It is quite amazing that this man is still around, after a litany of about faces on issues and Rasputin style gaffes. This includes one where he knighted Prince Philip, who had already been a Prince and the British King Consort for 60 years.

Trying to demote him from being a royal highness to just a plain sir might be ok with Prince Philip, by trying to one-up the British Queen for an oversight in not already knighting her own husband, really did seem redundant.

Anyway enough faux-pas and history. The page is now a core of a curriculum being used by Registered Training Organizations (RTO) in Australia, and adopted in New Zealand, where being called a Hua at worst a friendly jibe on a rugby field.

The definitions, all look quite simple and easy to me. But to be sure I have not missed anything, I sought advice of some world famous mates.

Robert D Stiletto, a renowned Irish translator, sees this may not hold water.

John L Green, a Robin hood descendant and a former NZ and Western Australian Master plumber, also believes unethical plumbers are funding RTO scams by still charging copper and earthenware prices for plastic pipe.

Others say they would not be sure it is even an original Aussie finding, as judging by the language, it could have been copied from the British.

But take a look for yourself and give your opinion.

1.2.64 Definitions of Pipes per amended Government Gazette 6784A/45297/BZ/a1

1. All pipes are to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal copper or plastic, centred around the hole.
2. All pipes are to be hollow throughout the entire length ‐ do not use holes of different length than the pipe
3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed their OD (Outside Diameter) ‐ otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. The pipe is supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
   5. All pipe is to be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site. NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre‐rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is recommended, as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.
5. All pipe over 150m in length should have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each side and end, so the contractor will know it's a long pipe.
6. Pipe over 3000m in length must also have the words "LONG PIPE" painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether it is a long or short pipe.
7. All pipe over 1.8m in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it, so the contractor won't mistake it for a small pipe.
8. Flanges can be used on pipes. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite separate from the big holes in the middle.
9. When ordering 90 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left‐hand or right‐hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
10. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for uphills, the water will flow the wrong way.
11. All couplings should have either right‐hand or left‐hand threads, but do not mix the threads, otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on to one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.
12. All pipes shorter than 3mm are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.
13. Joints in pipes for water must be watertight. Those pipes for compressed air, however, need only be airtight.
14. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.
15. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include; Conduit, Tube, Tunnel, and Drain. Use only genuine pipes

(Yes Jerry, on Item 1 that is the correct spelling, for some, for the word centre. For those who don’t know Jerry, he is a another mate from the US and famous armchair expert, who says the page could not be from the US as they still don’t have metric measurement there yet and unlike Australia they have world class politicians and spell colour more correctly without a “u”.

 

~000~

Blond Man Jokes

It seems tables have turned with blonde MAN jokes here now .

A blonde in the bathroom hears his wife call out: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do. it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
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A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."  The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
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A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
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A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
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A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he swerves to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over. He tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
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A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!" he replies.
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A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks."Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
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(This one actually makes sense.)  An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
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A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
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Two blonde men find three grenades, and decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two." 
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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday." 

(hmm I wonder if some of these men were Irish before they became blond)

The Frenchman, The Scotsman and the Irishman

Three dead bodies turn up at a  mortuary all with very big smiles on Their faces and the police  call on the coroner to investigate.

"This first body," says the  coroner, is "Pierre Dubois, a Frenchman, aged 60, who died of heart failure  while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence  the Smile,'

The second is Gregory  Campbell, Scotsman, 25, who after he won £50,000 on the Lottery, spent it  all on whisky and died of alcohol poisoning, Hence the Smile.”

The Police Inspector then asked, '"So what about this  third body?'"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most  unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish and aged 30, was struck by  lightning."

"Why the broad grin,?" inquires the  Inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture  taken".

RACISM?

RACISM?

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Bunnings.

Yellow 24

A man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill The doctor  checks him over and says, We'll have to do some blood tests. A day later the doctor rings him with the results.  'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.  Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320 Then he gets the full house and wins $5000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $780,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!'
Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? Do you know I've got Yellow 24'.
'F##k me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well

Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men...are men!

Wrong Bus

Two Irish mates leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk home.'
'Me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus .'
'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.
At the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing?

“I can't find a No. 91'
“ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.

Why do we say “That’s Irish”?

The Irish live such a simple life, even when expressing themselves.....

For example Paddy texts his wife.....

"Mary, I’m just having one more pint with the lads.  If I’m not back in 20 minutes, read this message again."

Boat For Sale

Dave was walking past Mick's house and saw a sign, "Boat For Sale."

He knew Mick didn't own a boat, so he decided to go and ask him about it.

"Hey Mick,"I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat.

All ya have is your old John Deere tractor and combine."

Mick replied "Yup, and they're boat for sale."

Is this yours?

Paddy says to Mick "I found this pen, is it yours?"
Mick replies "Don't know, give it here." He then tries it and says, "Yes it is"
Paddy asks "How do you know?"
Mick replies, "That's my handwriting"

Newfie Christening

Patrick's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, Ma'am, you had twins ... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth, and had to be christened immediately so your brother Patrick came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Codfish, no, no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot".

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, Well, what's my daughter's name?
Denise says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved, Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother , she thought, I really like Denise .

Then she asks, What's the boy's name?

The doctor replies Denephew

Butter side up and as Irish as it can get…. to be sure to be sure

"Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up.

He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat.

He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes. He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor."

"“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”"

“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.”

“Well,” Fr Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”

"An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. It reads:"

"“It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena.

Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we declared no miracle.

For it was possibly the result of Murphy buttering the toast on the wrong side.”

 

Dublin Doctor’s Proxy

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his  assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing  tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was  your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading  her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick!  For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put some drops in her eyes."

Tiger Woods in Ireland

On a golf tour in IRELAND, Tiger Woods was taking  a look around. He drove his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who obviously knew nothing about golf greeted him in typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golf pro was.

"Top of the mornin to yer, sir" said the attendant.

Tiger nodded a quick 'hello' and bent forward into the boot  to get his credit card from his bag. As he did so, two tees fell out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those", asked the attendant.
"They're called tees" replied Tiger.
"Well, what on God's earth are dey for." inquired the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", said Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", said the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting

Irish Wedding

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other.

The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court.

The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge started banging his gavel,and shouts, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, 'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'

Irish math test.

Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said.  "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?"  The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you ain't got no brain?  Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss.  "Here's your second question.  Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now.  So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree.  Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question.  Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go.  One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt.  "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

The Irishman is now head of Qantas

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins....