"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Enzo and The Godfather Story

imageA Mafia Godfather finds his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf.

He got the job as It was assumed that he would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer,  "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is." 

The lawyer, signs to Enzo where the money is..

Enzo signs back,  "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather,  "He doesn't know what you are talking about." 

The Godfather pulls a pistol, puts it to Enzo's  temple  and says,  "Ask him again!" 

The lawyer signs to Enzo,  "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back,  "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in  Woodbridge !" 

The Godfather asks the lawyer,  "What did he say?"  
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Doctor Knows

thumbnail_2699e7256556ff5699a775d5ab317ed29232050cA woman visiting her doctor said, my husband has developed a penchant for anal sex, and I am not sure it is such a good idea.

'Do you enjoy it?'  The doctor asked. 

'Actually, yes, I do.  she admitted

''Does it hurt you?' he asked. 

'No. I rather like it.  she smiled

''Well,'  her doctor concluded, its ok but you should avoid getting  pregnant.'

Mystified the woman queried. You can get pregnant from anal sex?'  

'Of course, ' said the doctor.  'Where Do you think politicians come from.'

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Defining Democracy

"Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner." - James Bovard

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Bangkok Floods– information jigsaw puzzle

Performance Controller » Bangkok Floods–Unrelenting work as information jigsaw puzzle clears http://ping.fm/es4YV
Bangkok Floods–Unrelenting work as information jigsaw puzzle clears http://ping.fm/4ZG8a

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Is managing stress knowing that lending someone $20 and never seeing them again, means it was probably worth it? http://ping.fm/B8MhQ

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Bangkok Flooding inevitability

Bangkok Flooding -an-unrelenting-inevitability/http://ping.fm/Z2XGQ

Parrot fashion

imageA Lady with two female parrots who would only say one thing . She went to see her priest about this problem ' and he asked what do they say?'

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
The priest exclaimed, 'I may have a solution. I have two male parrots that I have taught to pray and read the Bible.Bring your two parrots over =mine can teach your parrots to pray and worship,

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house and saw his two male parrots were indeed holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and put her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence...One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, 'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Floods in Bangkok high risk today with overfull surrounds awash

 

This is not joke

Tuesday October 18 2011 7AM

Here is a GIS map of the flooded areas which shows Bangkok now caught in the neck of the funnel. This zoomed out version shows the total  catchment with the blue areas already flooded and the red area that have already flooded or threatening today

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The map zooms in on Bangkok show in  red the areas flooding  this morning as the volumes of water move from their north bound origins to the sea via the river system and low lying Bangkok area that lies in the path of the southbound wash

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I just spoke to my friends, the Kitbamroong family hi are in their flood stricken homes in Prutumtani 25 kms to the North of Bangkok.

He said the waters are continuing to rise uncontrollably last night and today with little or no time for people to evacuate. Many who thought they were safe after a week of tensions and preparation were caught by surprised.

The floods discriminate with rich and poor alike effected. This morning many in poor and middle class villages are marooned or being recued from their flooded homes, And one area near a wealthy golf course residence in expensive homes there are too underwater this morning as floods rushed passed their sand bag barriers catching them by surprise too.

I have just been just told that in the Pratumthani areas the catchment containment is now passed over flow levels as the water is moving south and east again closer to Bangkok .

The Chao Pra River that weaves thru Bangkok is now full at capacity level has current draining capacity of 3.7 million liters per second with the high tide pushing back. Other rivers have much lower draining capacity.

From the top end of the catchment which is still filling a rate of 4.4 million liters per second the whole is now near full with the worse yet to come for days as funnels into  Bangkok this week is under an even greater threat of broad based flooding.

It is now all too late to contain now the break thru of levy banks and diversions as this morning more areas flooded nowonbly10KMstothenotrht of the city.This is made even worse as the balance of human pressures in those locations continues to place that under stress.

Here is a quick video we compiled last night before this update.

Replacement Windows

clip_image001Last year I replaced the windows in my house with expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo,.....just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year,,,

Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him..

There was only silence on the line, then he I finally hung up. He never called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Pictures worth more than a thousand words

clip_image001Make-up and  Hair style.............$500.00
New  Dress for the show............$700.00
Giant Stuffed  Bear......................$300.00

Not knowing how to hold the  bear with a microphone in your  hand..........Priceless!

The Kylie Minogue Picture That Will Stay With Her The Rest  Of Her Life

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Irish Taxi Driver

imageOne rainy spring night in Belfast, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.  Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leapt into the cab and slammed the door. 

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Vale Road," answered the woman.

"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the  mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?'"

"Well lady," replied the driver,

"I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said,“Does this answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Revitalized Marriage

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After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and began moving down the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly working his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to her left inner arm, caressed past the side of breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttocks and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side.

Then suddenly he stopped, rolled over and started watching TV.

As the wife had loved every minute of the loving and gentle touch of her husband, she asked in a gentle loving voice, “Oh sweetheart that felt so good, why did you stop?”

He replied, “I found the remote.”

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Lady’s Yearly Exam

If you think being a woman is all beer and skittles have a look at this summary send by Trish Stevens.  

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Pastor Fluff

imageThe Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland .

One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman and said sternly,

"Miss Fitzgerald," - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

But when Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub bar keeper looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand.
I'm Pastor Fluff."

The bar keeper said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

Finally Sylvester catches Tweety.

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Watch this until Sylvester catches Tweety.

(wait for it. It's worth it)... AFTER Tweety is caught, scroll down......





















clip_image001[6]This was an idiot test. How long did you watch?
0-2 seconds - there's hope for you
2-5 seconds - having a bad day?
5-10 seconds - maybe you're just a slow reader?
10-20 seconds - remedial classes are nothing to be ashamed of
20-30 seconds - it is recommended that you don't breed.
30 sec-1 min - you probably can't read this anyway, So why bother?
1-2 min - the equivalent of the average house plant
2-5 min - Good afternoon Jessica Simpson
5 min -1 hr - Dead people score in this range
1 hr plus - Congratulations. You have a negative IQ. To find out what your prize is, watch Bugs until he finishes his carrot...

HEY - DON'T BLAME ME...YOU SHOULD KNOW SYLVESTER NEVER CATCHES TWEETY.
Now go on and forward it to another of your unsuspecting friends. You know you want to!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Disorder in the Law Courts

Published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes . ;
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WIT NESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could he have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible and practicing law somewhere.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet.

Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In & Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.

Broomsday

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Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know

each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.


The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.


The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over

and said to the groom-broom,
'I think I am going to have a little broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to
Hurt
!!!!!!
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'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

...........
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Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least Mumble .

Life's too short not to enjoy
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Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around!

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Old Cowboy Goes to Church

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One Sunday morning, an old cowboy entered a very upscale and beautiful church in exclusive part of the city.
His  wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were worn and ragged but spotlessly clean.
In his hand he carried a worn-out old hat and an equally worn, dog-eared Bible.
The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and fine jewelry.
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him.
No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled by his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him with a request "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship in church." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the cowboy and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."
"I did," replied the old cowboy.
"And what was his reply?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that he didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said he'd never been in this church."

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Rubber Gloves

To put her at ease a dentist decided to tell his nervous patient a little joke as he put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
The patient an 'older women,' she replied. “No I don’t”

'Well,' spoofed the desist , 'They have a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and put them by size in boxes '

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well.. I tried,' he thought.

A little later, during a procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he said, as he quickly lifted the probe from her mouth to stop harming her.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

 

Friday, October 7, 2011

A Quick Thinking Kiwi in London

imageThis one is for John Lincoln at the Crazy Hot Bar in Bangkok courtesy of David Ong in Malaysia

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter..


Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
" New Zealand , sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.
The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager, " My wife is from New Zealand !"
"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Black Fella’s The Booze Bus...!!

clip_image001Two indigenous Australians were driving their old
Ford Falcon in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a police "booze bus".
Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'G'day, brudder! Two cans of Emu Export, thanks!'
The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk!

Get out of the car and blow into this tube!'
The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in that, I got a letter from the doctor saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow in that.'
The cop smirked and said 'OK - in that case, we require you to give a blood sample.'
'Nah, nah - sorry, boss,' replied the driver. 'Can't be doin' that. Got a letter from the Red Cross sayin' I'm a haemophiliac, and I could bleed to death if I gavea blood sample. Sorry, boss, can't do that!'

By now the copper was getting very irate, and so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing.
The driver shook his head and said 'Sorry boss, can't do that either.'
The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that!!!'
'Bloody oath, mate!' says the driver, 'It's from Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister of this lovely country of Australia - she's apologised, and says you white fellas can't take the piss out of us black fellas no more!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The Old Cowboy

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An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

When a young woman sat down next to him, she turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

 

 

 

David,

Please tell Royston that has the be one of his best ever jokes!!!!

Cheers

Gordon

Monday, October 3, 2011

Why do teachers have headaches now-a-days?

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Eel enters man's penis in spa is surgically removed

imageYes, you read that right. A Chinese man had to have an eel surgically removed from his bladder after a mishap while undergoing an unusual spa treatment.
Zhang Nan, a 56-year-old resident of Hubei province, was bathing with live eels, in the hopes that the tiny, serpentine critters would nibble away layers of dead skin, revealing more youthful-looking skin below.
It's similar to those unusual pedicures that have fish eat dead skin off people's feet -- except that you're fully submerged, and you're probably naked, and there are eels all over you.
Anyway, Nan felt a sharp pain, realized a 6-inch eel had entered his penis and was wriggling up through his urethra. He tried to pull it out but its tiny body was too slippery to hold, and it disappeared up his penis and into his bladder, according to the story.
This, the writer points out, is not the first time such an incident has been described: A teenage boy had to undergo emergency surgery to remove a 0.79-inch fish that climbed into his urethra while he was holding it and urinating.
(Superfluous health advice of the day: Don't hold live animals while you're relieving yourself. No matter how good an idea it seems at the time.)
Freakish as this sort of accident sounds -- and it is, of course -- there's actually a particular type of fish that has a reputation for bladder-diving. According to a Kansas State page on parasitology, there are some types of parasitic catfishes in the Amazon (mostly in the genus Vandellia, and commonly called candiru) that have been known to invade the human urethra, often while humans are urinating into a body of water.
For the record, though, most men out there should be more worried about bacteria and viruses entering the urethra than eels doing so. For some perspective, here's a rundown from the Cleveland Clinic on some of other, more common conditions affecting the penis.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Don’t be too quick to judge

some very funny commercials

Trivia Question

I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point The last question was:

"Where do most women have curly hair?

Apparently the correct answer is:   Africa

Saturday, October 1, 2011

The Shoes are Real – Yes she is totally naked!

She walked down a busy city street with no 'real' clothes -- only those painted on her.

Most passersby didn't even give her a second look because the paint looked so much like clothing. YES, she is totally naked!

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