Here is the situation:
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop-off. On your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.
In this type of encounter what would you do to get out of the situation?
Yes your right , just get down off the horse and step off the merry go round!
The following questions were in a second chance General Education Development (GED) examination. The absence of citation does not mean the responses are not genuine .
Q. What is a turbine?
A.... Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.
Q. How is dew formed.
A... The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.... If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A.... Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs . (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.... When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A.... He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.(So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A.... Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A.... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A.... Keep it in the cow.(Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A.... The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (WTF!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A.... A small lie.
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.... Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A.... Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.(That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.... The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A.... A Roman Emperor. � (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.(Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.... Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
A little girl walked to and from school daily. One day as the she was heading home the winds whipped up fast, along with lightning and thunder.
The mother also saw the weather and being concerned for her daughter being frightened and coming to harm, she drove the route to her child's school.
When she saw her little girl walking, she noted that at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile.
When she drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called,
"What are you doing?"
The child answered,
"I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture."
~000~
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions,
Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions"
"Why did the Russians take Crimea? And
Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?"
Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says , "I have Four questions"
Why did the Russians invade Crimea?
Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?
Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And
Where is Sasha?"
A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said, "Dad, do not pay off my college tuition loan, cancel my allowance, throw away all my clothes and take my iPhone and laptop. In addition, please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and lock me out of your house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And, don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to anyone you choose.”
“Holy Smokes,” replied the friend, “She actually said that?”
The father replied: “Well, she didn’t actually put it quite like that. What she said was, “Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed. We’re going to work together on Hillary’s 2016 election campaign.”
- 000 -
I know you saw it before but who cares, It is till funny a 2nd time with this version.
Her mother, very interested, asks: "Oh... How did it go"
"I nearly died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."
Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."
"No... but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"
At a London school a teacher asked all the class what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out – fireman, policeman, salesman, tradesman etc. .etc..
Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet so the teacher asked him about his Dad.
“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him. “
The teacher quickly set the other children some work to do and took Billy aside to ask him was that really true.
“No” said Billy, “He plays cricket for England but I was too embarrassed to say”.
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s, 40s and 50's they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 60, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s, 40s and 50's it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 60s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."
- Why can’t you make another word using all the letters in “anagram”?
- Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
- Why do over look and oversee mean opposite things?
- Why do people use the word “irregardless”?
- Why do some people type “cool” as “kewl”?
- Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
- Why do we say something’s out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?
- Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together?
- Why does “slow down” and “slow up “ mean the same thing?
- Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
- Why does X stand for kiss and O stand for a hug?
- Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?
- Why don’t we say “why” instead of “how come”?
* onomatopoeia...the formation of a word from a sound associated with what is named (e.g., cuckoo, sizzle).
| Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:
Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. |
Old people at weddings always poke me and say “You’re next”
So I started saying the same thing to them at funerals.
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said : "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mum, Ann : "Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.
He turned to the third Mum, Joyce : "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names : Brandy and Sherry.
You even called the cat, "Whisky". He then turned to the fourth Mum June : "Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy."
At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered : "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Fanny and Willy and go home."
Teacher asked her 3rd grade kids : "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny said: "I wanna be a billionaire & go to the most expensive clubs. I wanna find me the finest bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Monte Carlo, a mansion on the beach, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, while banging her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, decides not to acknowledge and continues with the lesson . . . .
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I thought I wanted to be a nurse. But, fuck that. I want to be Johnny’s bitch!!!
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
You'll love this!!!!!!!!!).................
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
Canadian photographer Patrice Laroche surely will have no trouble explaining to his kids about the birds and the bees.
During his wife Sandra’s pregnancy, the artist created this hilarious explanatory photo series titled
“How to Make a Baby”...
The creative couple planned and carried out their project throughout the whole period of 9 months, taking pictures in the exact same settings as Sandra’s belly expanded.
The pregnancy saga of Sandra and Patrice basically denounces all the traditional cabbage and the stork stories.
Now how could I not have shared this with you - go ahead, smile and enjoy your day!!
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks, his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ... and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
Dad replied:
'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'
Are your Kids safe from predators when you snap a pic on your phone ?
According to this NBC news item, not so.
Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?
EVER WONDER...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks as if the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board!
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're shagging?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.
