"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Irishman’s First Drink With his Son

While reading  an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. 

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from our house.

I got him a  Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. 

Then I got him a Kilkenny, he didn't like that either, so I drank it and we tried some Harp Lager?  Same story  I drank it.  He didn't.

Thinking whiskey maybe better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope! 

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's  finest. He wouldn't even  smell it. What could I do but drink it! 

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so loaded I could hardly push his stroller back home!

Friday, July 24, 2015

Showering with a friend no is longer fashionable– here’s why!

A Shower for Woman  

Take off clothes place them sectioned in laundry basket by lights and darks.

  Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

  If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 

  Check physique in the mirror and make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts.

  Get in the shower. 

  Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

  Wash =hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins...

  Wash hair again to make sure it's clean. 

  Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. 

  Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red...

  Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

  Rinse conditioner off hair.

  Shave armpits and legs.

  Turn off shower. 

  Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

  Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

  Get out of shower.

  Dry with towel the size of a small country.

  Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

  Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

  If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed are 

A Shower for a Man   

   Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 

  Walk naked to the bathroom.

  If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

  Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

  Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. 

  Get in the shower.

  Wash your face.

  Wash your armpits.

  Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

  Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

  Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

  Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. 

  Wash your hair.

  Make a Shampoo Mohawk

  Wee.

  Rinse off and get out of shower.

  Partially dry off.

  Fail to notice water on floor from curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. 

  Admire willy size in mirror again.

  Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

  Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

  If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy and make 'woo-woo' sound again. 

  Throw wet towel on bed.                                                               

Monday, July 13, 2015

Greek Bailout Explained

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating and the streets deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. This day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Co-op takes the €100 and runs to pay his drinks bill at the tavern.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory,   pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything.No one earned anything.However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that is how the bailout package works!

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Irish Blonde

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We Are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through.

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer Said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the now ploughs can get through.

"The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."

Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

#9  Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8  Life is sexually transmitted.

#7  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6  Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3  All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2  In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1  Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.  What you do today might burn your rear end tomorrow!

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Is winning it all about attitude?

At school Mum always encourage me by saying. “You can do it son . Its all about attitude”. But that did not help me when the bigger guys tried to beat me up. 

I wish I had seen this picture then. But now I am going to show it to my pool team

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