Sunday, December 28, 2008
I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. - Will Rogers
As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something. - Hagar the Horrible
Friday, December 26, 2008
I'm not sure I want popular opinion on my side -- I've noticed those with the most opinions often have the fewest facts. - Bethania McKenstry
No degree of dullness can safeguard a work against the determination of critics to find it fascinating. - Harold Rosenberg
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Women: The most important thing for a woman is financial security. But security or not they still go out and buy expensive clothes. And then curiously even though they always dress beautifully, they claim they never have anything to wear, and explain it as being just 'an old rag'. Here is the odd thing, they still expect you to compliment them. Which is quite futile, as when you do, they don't believe you. But will be easily charmed by a good looking stranger who does.
The truth is men always work tirelessly to be honest and loyal loving and hardworking to care for their women. But you can see why they are always searching for the right one. And more curiously it is the women who do the finding, not the men and when they find the right man they will give him all the security he needs.
For those still unsure what a dichotomy is? "It is a separation into two divisions that differ widely from or contradict each other".TSGW0811
Friday, December 19, 2008
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor James at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests once and once only.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
Thursday, December 18, 2008
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
My Goodness how true is this.................. * WHY I LOVE MUM *
Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mum said, 'I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed' She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches.
Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for dinner the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container and put spoons and bowls on the table.
She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button
She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.
She watered the plants, emptied a rubbish bin and hung up a towel to dry.
She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for an excursion, and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair.
She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.
Mum then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night solution & age fighting moisturiser, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.
Dad called out, 'I thought you were going to bed.'
'I'm on my way,' she said.
She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked.
She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and TV's, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the basket, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.
In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualised the accomplishment of her goals.
About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. 'I'm going to bed.'
And he did...without another thought.
Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...?
CAUSE WE ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL..... (and we can't die sooner, we still have things to do!!!!)
Send this to five phenomenal women today... (or the men who love them) they'll love you for it! I just did.
THEN, GO TO BED
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
A man, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, PaPa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single stupid bastard, wanker or bloody idiot anywhere we went today!'
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
Monday, December 15, 2008
- Michael Crichton
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
- Robert Frost
Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.
- Fran Lebowitz
Saturday, December 13, 2008
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Friday, December 12, 2008
The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.
- Laurence J. Peter
Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.
- Robert Louis Stevenson
It is by universal misunderstanding that all agree. For if, by ill luck, people understood each other, they would never agree.
- Charles Baudelaire
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Here is a true story about an "incident" I was recently involved in . Check it out. It actually is true and no joke. Obviously it has a happy ending because I am still alive to tell the tale. It was reported in the Star Ledger, a new york moring daily on Nov 20 when I was there, just before the US Thanksgiving Holiday.
Airport chase causes mayhem, police cruiser stolen and crashed
By George Berkin and Mark Mueller STAFF WRITERS - 11/20/99
Gunfire erupted outside a Newark International Airport terminal at the height of the evening rush yesterday, sending passengers and employees diving for cover as police opened fire on a carjacking suspect whose desperate attempt to flee resulted in a series of harrowing car crashes.
No one was seriously injured in the 4:40 p.m. chase, but the episode jarred shoulder-to-shoulder onlookers outside Terminal B as the suspect, trying to escape in a stolen police car, drove the wrong way down the terminal’s busy access road, smashing into a Cadillac and sideswiping a van before the hobbled cruiser came to rest against a guardrail.
Witnesses said Port Authority police officers, some in pursuit of thesuspect and some emerging from the terminal, peppered the disabled cruiser with gunfire, apparently missing the man, who was armed with agun he wrested from a police officer during his initial flight. They arrested him moments later, capping a drama that witnesses said seemed like a Hollywood action stunt come-to-life."It was horrific," said Ricky Huggins, 40, of Jersey City, a Delta Airlines skycap who watched the incident unfold.
"I thought they were filming movie when I saw that car come around the bend and crash into all those other cars."Then the police just kept firing. Pow, pow, pow, pow. They must have fired 10, 11 times. Everybody hit the deck when they heard the shots. Me, I wished I was home."
Police late last night said they had not yet confirmed the identity of the man, who is in his 20s. He was being treated for minor injuries at University Hospital in Newark and was expected to be transported afterward to the Port Authority police station at the airport pending a bail hearing today in Newark Municipal Court. Peter Yerkes, a Port Authority spokesman, said the man will be charged with, among other crimes, robbery, carjacking, aggravated assault on a police officer, eluding police and two counts of possession of a dangerous weapon, one in connection with a knife and one in connection with the gun.
Four police officers who suffered minor injuries in the incident we retreated at Elizabeth General Hospital and University Hospital. They were later released. Three civilians, victims of car collisions, were treated for minor injuries at University Hospital and released.
Police and witnesses gave the following account of the incident, which snarled traffic on the airport's internal roads and on major roads outside the airport for hours afterward: Armed with a 10-inch knife, the man approached a woman in the parking lot of Terminal A, where she had just arrived to pick up her sister. The man forced the woman from her car, a white sedan, and began to driveway.
A security guard who witnessed the carjacking notified Port Authority police, who responded moments later, beginning a chase that carried into a lot across from Terminal B. It was there, authorities said, that the man lost control of the white sedan, colliding with a blue Ford Taurus.
Dennis Collins of Ocean Township heard the crash, parked his own car and, not realizing the man was fleeing police, tried to help the man out of the sedan, which had landed atop the Taurus." He got out on his own, stood up on top of the Taurus and, so help me, tried to lift the white car off the other one" said Collins, who was at the airport to pick up relatives. "He was gripping the fender trying to lift it up."
Four police officers arrived seconds later, ordering the suspect to the ground, Collins and witnesses said."They had their guns on him. They could have shot him any time," he said. Instead of lying on the ground, the suspect charged a female police officer, wresting her service weapon from her.
He then jumped into a police cruiser and fled. Witnesses said police fired at least two shots at the cruiser as it raced out of the lot, striking several parked cars. Authorities and witnesses said the man then turned the wrong way down the terminal's main access road, speeding toward oncoming cars that tried to get out of the way.
Some motorists couldn't manage the task. The speeding cop car barreled into a Cadillac before sideswiping a van and striking the guardrail." The Caddy's windows just exploded when he hit it," Huggins said, wincing at the thought two hours after the collision. Paul Lukaszewski of Springfield was leaving the terminal in a car when he saw the police cruiser come charging toward him. Seconds later, it crashed, Lukaszewski said, and police opened fire."
At first I ducked," he said. "It was wild, really wild."While the suspect was not hit in the barrage, several shots struck the cruiser, one of them piercing the rear window. It was unclear if the suspect ever raised the gun he had stolen from the police officer."He seemed like he was in a daze," Huggins said. "He wasn't really reacting. Then the police smashed the side window and dragged him out of the car -- hard."
Another cruiser whisked the man away within minutes, Huggins said. In the aftermath, wreckage littered the access road, blocking access to Terminal C and creating massive traffic tie-ups that extended onto highways surrounding the airport. The congestion meant major delays for departing and arriving passengers as well as for many homebound commuters.
For some employees and travelers, however, the incident was more than an inconvenience. Several called it terrifying given the crowds and timing: rush hour on the Friday before Thanksgiving, traditionally a busy time."It scares the heck out of me," said Ysabel Bravo, 26, a Continental Airlines ticket agent. "Whenever shooting's involved, God knows what could happen."
"Source Star-Ledger. Nov 20 , 1999
Friday, December 5, 2008
I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it. - Thomas Jefferson
The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends. - Friedrich Nietzsche
Like many I am a great fan of this man, who had his infectious and wonderful passion for life stopped on July 25th, 2008, when he died of complications from pancreatic cancer.
But it lives on in others who see him and others like him. The key message he delivers in this inspirational talks is:
"Passion you have in life must come from and be fulled from the inside, not from things external"
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Here is a short video about best practices in the work place. It deals with the modern alternative to using the hod.
A brick hod is a three-sided box for carrying bricks or other construction materials, often mortar. It bears a long handle and is carried over the shoulder. A hod is usually long enough to accept 4 bricks on their side, however, by arranging the bricks in a chevron fashion, the number of bricks that may be carried is only limited to the weight the labourer can bear and the unwieldiness of that load. Typically 10-12 bricks might be carried.
Click here to watch>>
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
The least of learning is done in the classrooms. - Thomas Merton
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy. - Ernest Benn
Monday, December 1, 2008
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just 'an old rag'.
6. Although their clothes are always 'just an old rag', they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
“Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, And I got to sleep with a hot 25-year-old blonde every night. Now we have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV But I am sleeping with a 50-year-old. It seems that you are not holding up your side of things.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out & find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis...
Friday, November 28, 2008
Speak the truth, but leave immediately after. - Slovenian Proverb
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. - Johnny Carson
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Here is an email I sent out to the world a year ago.
Since then so much has happened and now you are 1 year old.
Happy Birthday Hannah
All our Love
Grand-pop & Nanna
This is the letter
Monday Nov 26, 2007
Dan Wood and Lisa Zammit, became proud parents of their new daughter, Hannah Rose Wood, a healthy 8lb5oz 3.77kg who arrived by cesarean birth at the Freemason Private Hospital in Melbourne at 4:21 PM on Monday Nov 26 2007.
Mother and Baby are both well. Father is still on a cloud.
As new Grandparents we are ecstatic, as are the rest of our family and also first timers, Auntie Kate, Uncle Trevor & Great Granddad Bill.
Gordon & Marg Wood
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
It seems this Aussie icon has more in common with humans than scientists had thought. The kangaroo last shared a common ancestor with humans 150 million years ago.
Being a able to jump around would be good fun but also consider the possiblity of bringing back someone from the dead.
"It could be done. The question is, just because we might be able to do it one day, should we do it?" Maybe for a rich Uncle who left you a lot of money, it would be a nice thing to do!!
Read more >>
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
We have begun creating a database of quotes from famous people. This is being updated regularly as we find more. So bookmark this blog entry for future reference.
Here are a few of my favourites:
”‘Nobody goes there anymore; it is too crowded." & "You can observe a lot by watching "Yogi Berra" An American baseball hero who has has a such wonderfully dry quick witted delivery and very clever style that makes him so quotable.
"A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool."; "A friend in the court is better than a penny in the purse." & "let Boldness be my friend".
William Shakespere :So much can be said about this man but need not be. As he is at the very heart of our English language.
"You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." "Naked people have little or no influence on society"; "A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes." & "Action speaks louder than words, but not nearly as often."
Thursday, November 6, 2008
He raised his basket To show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?
'She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?
'He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'
The farmer said, Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?
'He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.
She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'
Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
A cop was watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem- a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just mow lawns!)
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post with a Fine of $160 included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen's Ball.' He replied, 'New Zealand Police don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realised what he'd just said. He closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
- Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R.Grace Co. will merge as become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
- Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
- 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
- Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .
- FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
- Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
- Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
- Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:Knott NOW!
- And finally, Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will mergeunder the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
Thursday, October 30, 2008
This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine .
This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades – even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
The outgoing message:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
- To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
- To make excuses why your child did not do his work - Press 2
- To complain about what we do - Press 3
- To swear at staff members - Press 4
- To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
- If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
- If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
- To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
- To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
- To complain about school lunches - Press 0
- If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
- If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream."Mark Twain
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Hymn #365 A minister was completing a temperance sermon With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'
In these hard economic times getting value from employees is critical.
On a tour of the facilities, he saw a guy leaning on a wall and wanted to let the workshop full of workers know that he meant business.
'How much money do you make a week?' he said as he walked up to the. Surprised, the young you replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?' The CEO ignoring his question, pulled $1,600 from his pocket and loudly so everyone could hear said, 'Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back!'
Feeling good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did around here?'
A lone voice from the back of the workshop responded, 'He's the Pizza delivery boy from Domino's.'
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend
In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL; the Ashes; Football and Golf Clubs
Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no
What can I do?
First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband
is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to
download Tears and don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that
application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the
applications Jewellery and Flowers.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Happy Hour or Beer.
Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.
In summary, Husband is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.
Good Luck, Tech Support
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance..
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W., looking up from his menu, replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims, "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for a year!"
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers ...
"It's pronounced "quiche".
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Yesterday I searched the web with no success for some good relevant humour about the current economic woes. As many watch their businesses, life savings, pension and super funds disappear, behind the scenes the finance fairy of good times, for so long, is now using a salami slicer daily to carve massive value off share markets around the world. It seems soon there will be nothing left.
It also seems a good joke to get the belly laughing is a better remedy than putting a gun to the head to cure the headache.
Coming tho the rescue and fitting is a this very humorous entry, from Trish Stevens, It is about changing terms to reflect this current state of world events as at October 2008.
- CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
- CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
- BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
- BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
- VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
- P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
- BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
- STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
- STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
- STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
- FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
- MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
- CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
- YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
- WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
- INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
- PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use
Perhaps we also need something to fix things now, interesting Trish's first contribution that got all this blog started nearly 2 years ago. http://hfao.blogspot.com/2006_12_01_archive.html
Friday, October 17, 2008
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other? '
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who was 'totally zoned' when he ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took r escue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed !
AND THE WINNER IS..
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves.. 'Shit happens'.
THEY WALK AMONG US.... IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
You could save a life.
STROKE: Remember The 1st Three Letters... S.T.R .
My friend sent this to me and encouraged me to post it and spread the word. I agree. If everyone can remember something this simple, we could save some folks.
During a party, a friend stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine and just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes. (They offered to call an ambulance)
They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food - while she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening. Ingrid's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00pm , Ingrid passed away.)
She had suffered a stroke at the party. Had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke, perhaps Ingrid would be with us today.
Some don't die. They end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead. It only takes a minute to read this...
A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough.
RECOGNIZING A STROKE
Remember the '3' steps, STR. Read and Learn!
Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster.
The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.
Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:
S * Ask the individual to SMILE ..
T * = TALK. Ask the person to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently)
(e.g. ' It is sunny out today' ).
R * Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.
If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call the ambulance and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.
NOTE : Another 'sign' of a stroke is
1. Ask the person to 'stick' out their tongue.
2. If the tongue is 'crooked', if it goes to one side or the other that is also an indication of a stroke.
A prominent cardiologist says if everyone who gets this e-mail sends it to 10 people; you can bet that at least one life will be saved.
and it could be your own..
Friday, October 3, 2008
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you two dollars & forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then.' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had
me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the US Army Special
Forces. You know the reputation of them Green Berets.'
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with
spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Army (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he 's such a bull-shitter. He never did any of that shit. He was in the Navy'
Thursday, October 2, 2008
- Take a shower.
- Splash on some nice perfume.
- Slip into a very sexy nightie.
- Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'
Monday, September 29, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.
Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis. (nothing!)
The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up Straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, “There is no self”. So, maybe we're off the hook
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
1) I had a North Carolina Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near
the window. (On an airplane...)
2) I got a call from a candidate's assistant, who wanted to go to Cape Town . I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town
is in Massachusetts ." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in Africa , Her response....CLICK!
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!" (Can you believe it...)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada ?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map." (I think I'm going to have a stroke....)
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." (I feel faint!!!)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 AM and got to Chicago at 8:33 AM. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very, very fast, and she bought that. (I'm going to get ill)
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing my head off). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?" (There's never a dull moment around here)
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823 but none of those
planes have numbers on them." (Have we left the runway yet?)
10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to be on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , Florida on a commuter plane? She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!" (Fasten your seat belts).
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't.
I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I doubled checked and sure enough, his trip required a visa.
When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times
and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations."I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ." (I was at a loss for words) Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly!
Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
So I secured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo , do you?" The reply -- "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."
NOW YOU KNOW WHY THE GOVERNMENT IS IN THE SHAPE.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A
hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "gosh... if I go down three inches...I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "gosh... if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly...and I will eat him."
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."
You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more. A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop
his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time, "gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... and that hunter shoots that bear....and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich.... then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish...
The hunter shoots the bear...
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich.
The cat jumps for the mouse...
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches...some pussy is in danger!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like,
He replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit.
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W., looking up from his menu, replies, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims, "How rude! You're just like Mr. Clinton!"
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers ...
"It's pronounced "quiche".
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7 (Good Point)
(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8 (Who made the rule)
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favourite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10 ( The boy already understands)