"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Today's Wisdom Dec 27, 2008

Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches too high. - Adrienne E. Gusoff

I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. - Will Rogers

As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something. - Hagar the Horrible

Friday, December 26, 2008

Today's Wisdom Dec 26 2008

I prefer the company of peasants because they have not been educated sufficiently to reason incorrectly. - Michel de Montaigne

I'm not sure I want popular opinion on my side -- I've noticed those with the most opinions often have the fewest facts. - Bethania McKenstry

No degree of dullness can safeguard a work against the determination of critics to find it fascinating. - Harold Rosenberg

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Men and Women – A dichotomy

Men: The important thing for men is to work hard and take care of their women All men are extremely busy. But even so, they still have time for women. But it is argued by some that they don't really care for them. Which is odd as they always have one around. But I guess not, as it seems they always try their luck with others.

Women: The most important thing for a woman is financial security. But security or not they still go out and buy expensive clothes. And then curiously even though they always dress beautifully, they claim they never have anything to wear, and explain it as being just 'an old rag'. Here is the odd thing, they still expect you to compliment them. Which is quite futile, as when you do, they don't believe you. But will be easily charmed by a good looking stranger who does.

The truth is men always work tirelessly to be honest and loyal loving and hardworking to care for their women. But you can see why they are always searching for the right one. And more curiously it is the women who do the finding, not the men and when they find the right man they will give him all the security he needs.

For those still unsure what a dichotomy is? "It is a separation into two divisions that differ widely from or contradict each other".TSGW0811

Friday, December 19, 2008


The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'


'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor James at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests once and once only.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

Thursday, December 18, 2008

In don't want to see you naked.

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally...but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,


They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.....I feel so stupid.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Thinking about Mum .....

My Goodness how true is this.................. * WHY I LOVE MUM *

Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mum said, 'I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed' She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches.

Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for dinner the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container and put spoons and bowls on the table.

She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button

She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.

She watered the plants, emptied a rubbish bin and hung up a towel to dry.

She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for an excursion, and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair.

She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.
Mum then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night solution & age fighting moisturiser, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.

Dad called out, 'I thought you were going to bed.'

'I'm on my way,' she said.

She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked.

She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and TV's, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the basket, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualised the accomplishment of her goals.

About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. 'I'm going to bed.'

And he did...without another thought.

Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...?

CAUSE WE ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL..... (and we can't die sooner, we still have things to do!!!!)

Send this to five phenomenal women today... (or the men who love them) they'll love you for it! I just did.


Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Grandfather Grandmother Differences

A man, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, PaPa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single stupid bastard, wanker or bloody idiot anywhere we went today!'

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?


Monday, December 15, 2008

Today's Wisdom Dec 15 2008

Whenever you hear the consensus of scientists agrees on something or other, reach for your wallet, because you're being had.
- Michael Crichton
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
- Robert Frost
Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.
- Fran Lebowitz

Our Motivating Holiday


From Garry Cater's collection

And the winner is?







Yes your right He's the winner

of Thailand 's Miss Transvestite Contest

All are males!

(Now I Bet you go back and look at the photos again!)

From Garry Carter who clearly spends to much time in Thailand

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Fish and Chips Anyone


How about I supply the fish and you cook up some chips and get a bag or two of lemons.



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Friday, December 12, 2008

Today's Wisdom Dec 12, 2008

The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.
Laurence J. Peter

Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.
Robert Louis Stevenson

It is by universal misunderstanding that all agree. For if, by ill luck, people understood each other, they would never agree.
Charles Baudelaire

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Airport Shoot-out in New York

With all the bad news we get it is always good to have a laugh. It keeps the circulation up even if it is only an "Oldie but a Goodie"

Here is a true story about an "incident" I was recently involved in . Check it out. It actually is true and no joke. Obviously it has a happy ending because I am still alive to tell the tale. It was reported in the Star Ledger, a new york moring daily on Nov 20 when I was there, just before the US Thanksgiving Holiday.

Airport chase causes mayhem, police cruiser stolen and crashed
By George Berkin and Mark Mueller STAFF WRITERS - 11/20/99

Gunfire erupted outside a Newark International Airport terminal at the height of the evening rush yesterday, sending passengers and employees diving for cover as police opened fire on a carjacking suspect whose desperate attempt to flee resulted in a series of harrowing car crashes.

No one was seriously injured in the 4:40 p.m. chase, but the episode jarred shoulder-to-shoulder onlookers outside Terminal B as the suspect, trying to escape in a stolen police car, drove the wrong way down the terminal’s busy access road, smashing into a Cadillac and sideswiping a van before the hobbled cruiser came to rest against a guardrail.

Witnesses said Port Authority police officers, some in pursuit of thesuspect and some emerging from the terminal, peppered the disabled cruiser with gunfire, apparently missing the man, who was armed with agun he wrested from a police officer during his initial flight. They arrested him moments later, capping a drama that witnesses said seemed like a Hollywood action stunt come-to-life."It was horrific," said Ricky Huggins, 40, of Jersey City, a Delta Airlines skycap who watched the incident unfold.

"I thought they were filming movie when I saw that car come around the bend and crash into all those other cars."Then the police just kept firing. Pow, pow, pow, pow. They must have fired 10, 11 times. Everybody hit the deck when they heard the shots. Me, I wished I was home."

Police late last night said they had not yet confirmed the identity of the man, who is in his 20s. He was being treated for minor injuries at University Hospital in Newark and was expected to be transported afterward to the Port Authority police station at the airport pending a bail hearing today in Newark Municipal Court. Peter Yerkes, a Port Authority spokesman, said the man will be charged with, among other crimes, robbery, carjacking, aggravated assault on a police officer, eluding police and two counts of possession of a dangerous weapon, one in connection with a knife and one in connection with the gun.

Four police officers who suffered minor injuries in the incident we retreated at Elizabeth General Hospital and University Hospital. They were later released. Three civilians, victims of car collisions, were treated for minor injuries at University Hospital and released.

Police and witnesses gave the following account of the incident, which snarled traffic on the airport's internal roads and on major roads outside the airport for hours afterward: Armed with a 10-inch knife, the man approached a woman in the parking lot of Terminal A, where she had just arrived to pick up her sister. The man forced the woman from her car, a white sedan, and began to driveway.

A security guard who witnessed the carjacking notified Port Authority police, who responded moments later, beginning a chase that carried into a lot across from Terminal B. It was there, authorities said, that the man lost control of the white sedan, colliding with a blue Ford Taurus.

Dennis Collins of Ocean Township heard the crash, parked his own car and, not realizing the man was fleeing police, tried to help the man out of the sedan, which had landed atop the Taurus." He got out on his own, stood up on top of the Taurus and, so help me, tried to lift the white car off the other one" said Collins, who was at the airport to pick up relatives. "He was gripping the fender trying to lift it up."

Four police officers arrived seconds later, ordering the suspect to the ground, Collins and witnesses said."They had their guns on him. They could have shot him any time," he said. Instead of lying on the ground, the suspect charged a female police officer, wresting her service weapon from her.

He then jumped into a police cruiser and fled. Witnesses said police fired at least two shots at the cruiser as it raced out of the lot, striking several parked cars. Authorities and witnesses said the man then turned the wrong way down the terminal's main access road, speeding toward oncoming cars that tried to get out of the way.

Some motorists couldn't manage the task. The speeding cop car barreled into a Cadillac before sideswiping a van and striking the guardrail." The Caddy's windows just exploded when he hit it," Huggins said, wincing at the thought two hours after the collision. Paul Lukaszewski of Springfield was leaving the terminal in a car when he saw the police cruiser come charging toward him. Seconds later, it crashed, Lukaszewski said, and police opened fire."

At first I ducked," he said. "It was wild, really wild."While the suspect was not hit in the barrage, several shots struck the cruiser, one of them piercing the rear window. It was unclear if the suspect ever raised the gun he had stolen from the police officer."He seemed like he was in a daze," Huggins said. "He wasn't really reacting. Then the police smashed the side window and dragged him out of the car -- hard."

Another cruiser whisked the man away within minutes, Huggins said. In the aftermath, wreckage littered the access road, blocking access to Terminal C and creating massive traffic tie-ups that extended onto highways surrounding the airport. The congestion meant major delays for departing and arriving passengers as well as for many homebound commuters.

For some employees and travelers, however, the incident was more than an inconvenience. Several called it terrifying given the crowds and timing: rush hour on the Friday before Thanksgiving, traditionally a busy time."It scares the heck out of me," said Ysabel Bravo, 26, a Continental Airlines ticket agent. "Whenever shooting's involved, God knows what could happen."

"Source Star-Ledger. Nov 20 , 1999

Obama's First Decision


There really are some very funny people out there….

Friday, December 5, 2008

Today's Wisdom Dec 4,2008

Not every story has explosions and car chases. That's why they have nudity and espionage. - Bill Barnes and Gene Ambaum
I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it. - Thomas Jefferson
The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends. - Friedrich Nietzsche

Beating the Grim Reaper

"It is not the things we did in life that we regret, it is the things that we do not" That is a great quote used by Randy Pauch.

Like many I am a great fan of this man, who had his infectious and wonderful passion for life stopped on July 25th, 2008, when he died of complications from pancreatic cancer.

But it lives on in others who see him and others like him. The key message he delivers in this inspirational talks is:

"Passion you have in life must come from and be fulled from the inside, not from things external"

I also highly commend his "Last Lecture" which is was also featured in this blog, late last year. plus another practical one he did on "Time Management".


Thanks to my nephew Lukas for inpiring me search for this.
Good Luck with the VCE

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Health and Safety

Hod carrying is an unskilled labouring occupation in the building industry. Typically the hod carrier, or 'Hoddie' will be employed by a bricklaying team in a supporting role to the skilled bricklayers.

Here is a short video about best practices in the work place. It deals with the modern alternative to using the hod.

A brick hod is a three-sided box for carrying bricks or other construction materials, often mortar. It bears a long handle and is carried over the shoulder. A hod is usually long enough to accept 4 bricks on their side, however, by arranging the bricks in a chevron fashion, the number of bricks that may be carried is only limited to the weight the labourer can bear and the unwieldiness of that load. Typically 10-12 bricks might be carried.

Click here to watch>>


Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Today's Wisdom Dec 1,2008

Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. - Alexandre Dumas
The least of learning is done in the classrooms. - Thomas Merton
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy. - Ernest Benn

Monday, December 1, 2008

Contradictory Species

1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.

5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.

2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.

5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just 'an old rag'.
6. Although their clothes are always 'just an old rag', they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

Mid Life Crisis

When we had been married 25 years, I said to my wife,

“Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, And I got to sleep with a hot 25-year-old blonde every night. Now we have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV But I am sleeping with a 50-year-old. It seems that you are not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out & find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis...