"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Moving Puzzle

If you can put this together, say goodbye to Old-Timers Disease!  It's actually quite easy but if you fail your doctor can offer additional testing to check for Alzheimer's.

Seriously It is actually a neat puzzle! so don’t give up if it stretches your brain a bit takes a bit longer.  Sorry, You do have to be on the web to solve it but it is worth it.

Start  Moving Puzzle / Alzheimers Test


Tuesday, April 28, 2015

A glass of wine

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, In beer there is freedom, In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists demonstrate that if we drink one litre of water each day, At the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor);  because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Hence if Water = Poop, and Wine = Health, isn’t it  better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit..

Monday, April 27, 2015

Un-Quotable Quotes

In the 1960s there was a US TV game show called Hollywood Squares. Basically stars were asked questions by the host, and the contestants had to guess whether their answer was correct or not. But the show was the one-liners that the stars answered the question with, before giving their real answer.  Some of the best responses are below.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be ?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness.
(The audience laughed so long it took almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and think he is attractive, is it okay to ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you gesture more with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at Nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him .
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

The Elevator

An Amish man and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The man asked, 'What is this, Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
They watched with amazement, as a fat lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
clip_image003The walls then opened and the lady rolled into a small room and the walls closed,
The man and his father then watched the numbers light up sequentially. They saw it reached the last number, then light in the reverse clip_image004order. 
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old stepped out.
clip_image005Not taking his eyes off the woman, the father, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother, quick '

Friday, April 24, 2015

The Dog

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.

He does this again and again. No answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my arse.........it's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Are you living or just awake??

This lovely story is inspiring ..If true it would include a name but consider it is anyway in view of the really great point it makes.

On the first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder.  I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.

She said, ’Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?' I laughed and enthusiastically responded; 'Of course you may!' and she gave me a giant squeeze.

'Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?' I asked.

She jokingly replied, 'I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids...'

'No seriously,' I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.

I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!' she told me. After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake.

We became instant friends. Every day over the ensuing months we would leave class together and talked nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this 'time machine' as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.

Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.

At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor.

Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, 'I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me!

I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know.'
As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, ' We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing.

There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.

We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!
There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up.

If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight.

Anybody! Can grow older.  That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets.

The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets.’ 

She concluded her speech by courageously singing 'The Rose.'
She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.

At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those months ago. One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep. Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example.

She understood that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be and that we make a living by what we get. but we make a Life by what we give.

Using Actung response to win one-up-man-ship game

A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle was saying how lazy the British are.as he told some friends he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium, up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in two days.

An old Geordie man listening nearby mutters.......Way Aye  man....I used to pick up my load in Newcastle drop off in Hamburg and be back in Newcastle the same day.

The German trucker snorted and said....Oh Yeah....what rig were you driving ?
The old fella replied....... A LANCASTER BOMBER !!!!!!!!!!


Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Why Teachers continue to drink heavily

The following questions were in a second chance General Education  Development (GED) examination. The absence of citation does not mean the responses are not genuine .

Q. What is a turbine?

A.... Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

Q. How is dew formed.
A... The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.... If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A.... Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs . (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.... When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A.... He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A.... Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A.... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A.... Keep it in the cow.(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A.... The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (WTF!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A.... A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.... Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A.... Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.... The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A.... A Roman Emperor. � (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.(Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.... Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Child's description of a thunderstorm.


A little girl walked to and from school daily. One day as the she was heading home the winds whipped up fast, along with lightning and thunder.

The mother also saw the weather and being concerned for her daughter being frightened and coming to harm, she drove the route to her child's school.

When she saw her little girl walking, she noted that at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile.

When she drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called,

"What are you doing?"

The child answered,

"I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture."


Monday, April 20, 2015

Political Correctness

In recent years, many of the things I wanted to write or say have been stymied by what has become known as "POLITICAL CORRECTNESS"!  a term that previously was never previously in my vocabulary.

When doing some research, someone at Truman Library & Museum in Independence, Missouri. sent me copies of four telegrams.

These were exchanged between President Harry Truman and General Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the Japanese Surrender. This gave me an understanding of what "POLITICAL CORRECTNESS" really means!!

The contents of those four telegrams are reproduced verbatim below. Not a single word has been added or deleted!

(1) Tokyo,Japan
0800-September 1,1945
To: President Harry S Truman
From: General D A MacArthur

Tomorrow we meet with those yellow bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions!

(2) Washington, D C
1300-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur
From: H S Truman

Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!

(3) Tokyo, Japan
1630-September 1, 1945
To: H S Truman
From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz

Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?

(4) Washington, D C
2120-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
From: H S Truman

Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end!


Sunday, April 19, 2015

The importance of an occupation after retirement

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.

clip_image001It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such a person:


"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Putin Magic

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions,

Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions"

"Why did the Russians take Crimea? And

Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?"

Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says , "I have Four questions" 

Why did the Russians invade Crimea?

Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?

Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And

Where is Sasha?"

Friday, April 17, 2015

Who said Australians weren't romantic?

of course I love ya' darlin' You're a bloody top-notch bird

And when I say you're gorgeous. I mean every single word

So ya' bum is on the big side,  I don't mind a bit of flab

It means that when I'm ready, There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more, I tell ya', I don't care

So long as when I cuddle ya', I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age, Has nice round perky breasts

They just gave in to gravity, But I know ya' did ya' best

I'm tellin' ya' the truth now.I never tell ya lies

I think its very sexy, That you've got dimples on ya' thighs

I swear on me nana's grave now.The moment that we met

I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like I'll always love ya' dear

Now shut up while the footy's on And fetch another beer.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Estate Planning

A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said, "Dad, do not pay off my college tuition loan, cancel my allowance, throw away all my clothes and take my iPhone and laptop.  In addition, please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army.  Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and lock me out of your house.  Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And, don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to anyone you choose.”
“Holy Smokes,” replied the friend, “She actually said that?”
The father replied:  “Well, she didn’t actually put it quite like that.  What she said was, “Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed.  We’re going to work together on Hillary’s 2016 election campaign.”

- 000 -


I know you saw it before but who cares, It is till funny a 2nd time with this version.