"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Life Guard Clears Pool

Funny videos I have seen but I this one beats them all.


You need the sound on Jai and I suggest you put it on the big screen.

Bob you are on a roll.. this is hilarious

The Spoon

Here is  lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new imagerestaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon

Good one Jai,  I bet I will hear that in your Boo Sa Bar in Bangkok



A middle-aged man bought a brand new Monaro. He took off down the road, at 130 KPM, and was enjoying the wind in his thinning hair. This is great,' he thought and accelerated to even higher speeds.

Then he looked in his rear-view and you guessed it, a Police Car was chasing him with their sirens on full and lights flashing.

I can get away, he thought as he floored the Monaco and literally left then standing as it accelerated to 210+KPM.

Then he thought, 'What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this shit so he and pulled over, and waited.

When the Police did finally catch up with him the Policeman approached on the driver's side.

Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and I promised my wife I would take her for dinner. If you give me a good reason for speeding that I've never heard, I'll let you go.'

After a moment the man looked at the Policeman and said, “Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back.”

'Have a nice day Sir, and drive carefully”….

Trish I thought the Golf joke yesterday was good but this one tops that. I will tell Bob Gary Jai and the all thge others in the HFAO team they need to lift their game.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Golf nut

John and Helen met while on vacation, and John fell head over heels 'in love' with her. John took Helen out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc. he was convinced that it was true love.

On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue. It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut,' John said to his newfound lady friend. 'I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!'

Helen took a deep breath and responded: 'Since we're being honest with each other, ... You need to know that I'm a hooker.'

'I see', John replied. 'That's a problem, for sure.' He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought. Then he added, 'You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.'

Trish that is so funny

Siamese Twins Worst Case Scenario.



"How they hanging" has quite a different meaning here,I guess Bob

Atorney at Large

Some good old ones but could be a few you haven't read ..Trish

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Are you sexually active?
No, I just lie there.

What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
And in what ways does it affect your memory?
I forget.
You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

This blog has been scanned for viruses by the bailiffs

The Council Job

A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He answers 'Yes - caffeine'

'Have you ever been in the services?'

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, 'Yes 100%... a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?'

'This is a council job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'

Monday, February 23, 2009

Today's Wisdom Feb 23, 2009

do not know which makes a man more conservative—to know nothing but the present, or nothing but the past.
  - John Maynard Keynes

Fall not in love, therefore; it will stick to your face.
  - National Lampoon

Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings.
  - George F. Will

And then the fight started

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started...


My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And then the fight started...


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started...


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?" And then the fight started.....


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started...


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started...


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started...


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started...


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" Nah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started...


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started.....

Trish I think some of that may be from personal experience is it?.. Very funny .. I wonder why I am laughing so much too!!!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Today's wisdom Feb 22, 2009

Great part of being a grownup, you never have to do anything.
  - Peter Blake

Skepticism, like chastity, should not be relinquished too readily.
  - George Santayana

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.
  - Mark Twain

Friday, February 20, 2009

Today's Wisdom Feb 20 2009

Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.
  - Putt's Law


To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
  - Robert Orben


Life is an unbroken succession of false situations.
  - Thornton Wilder

SpellingBee Jerk


Monday, February 16, 2009

Adult riddles

Here are some X-rated riddles:

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A .. They don't have balls to scratch!
OH, don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody
Live well, laugh hard, & love deeply!!!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Marriage Philosophy

I love this one!!!


Four married blokes go fishing.

After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First bloke:

'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second bloke:

'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third bloke:

'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth bloke has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'

Fourth bloke:

'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:
'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'

If Bob Spooner say he loves this one, what he means is he has probably been laughing for 2 days. And for those of us who knows Bob Spooner's laugh we know there is no better medicine if you are feeling low

Friday, February 13, 2009

Paddy the Irish builder

Paddy the Irish builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it.

She was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said 'I want this room to be painted a light blue.'

The builder went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red.

The builder went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan..

The builder went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him 'I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what is that for?'

The builder said, 'Oh don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Aussies laying the turf out front.'

Combine your email accounts here! Want to marry your mail?

Your Personal Help Desk

Just before I left Bangkok for Melbourne on Tuesday, I got a distress email from my sister in Perth. She wanted some help with her computer. For no apparent reason it was displaying a reduced screen.

She would have known I was travelling, so for fun I ghosted a reply to her as a help desk officer. The advice allowed her to solve her problem, but now she is not talking to me. I am still wondering why?

Here is the letter:

Dear Mrs. Murphy

Gordon is currently on a mission home. He said he will catch up with you when he is back on the ground.

He asked me to help you fix your reduced screen size on your Laptop I understand it is running Vista operating system. It is likely you have used a fn & F key combination somehow. If so it is easily fixed by resetting the resolution.

To do this, from your desktop, use the right mouse button to find “personalize” then select “display settings” and adjust your slider to say 1280 x800 If that does not work try NVIDIA control panel.

Please let me know if that works?

Gordon also said if that does not work tell her to do something useful and get off that computer.

Yours sincerely

Andy Men

Anytime Help Officer

The Personal Help Desk Company

Where we come to you and you leave the money on the fridge.

Phone 0800WEFIXIT

Web http://www.duhthanks.com/

Email amen@dahthanks.com

Beware this is a scam


Drawback of Owning a Big Screen TV

If you don't see the picture click here>>

Jai, you may have to sell your big screens mate.

Thursday, February 12, 2009


clip_image001 Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a Coastal village in Ireland .

Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.

Sadly, Paddy did not realize the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.

One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing.

They rowed out and found Paddy dead in The punt beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard.

Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper' Said.........................................

Wait for it!

Wait for it!

Wait for it!



Get it On

Well I never. And I thought the breweries were the past masters of clever ads. I know sex sells, but here is something new to show your grandmother Kids!!


By the way for al us Aussies who may be wondering, no DUREX is not a brand of cello- tape.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009


Happy IVGLDSW Day!

Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this description.

Remember this live by motto:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO what a ride!'

Have a wonderful day !

To the Girls !!

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what happened.
- Cora Harvey Armstrong-



Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-


I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
- Janette Barber-

Old age ain't no place for sissies .
-Bette Davis-






Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
- Caryn Leschen -


If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.



I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
- Roseanne Barr-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
- Maryon Pearson-



Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-


- ooo -

Send this to five bright women you know and make their day. When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over! clip_image012

Trish if you wondered why this one never made it to the readers before , well truth is I did not know how to do the pictures a year ago. It has been actually been in our pending pile since 2007.

Bob Spooner sent it again today so I guess you could say what goes around keeps going around eh?  But to put is classic terms Bob, its an Oldie but still a Goodie. Bet Mary asked you to send this in.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Just when you think you've seen it all ..

Prom Day in "The Hood" !!

Jar Jar, Lord Fauntleroy and Gunga Din ... take note

of the numerous police vehicles and the ambulance!
Prom dresses sure have changed

since I was in high school !
What is that around her neck?
Why all the "POleece" in the background?
There is a Buick with missing seat covers

somewhere in The Hood .
He stole that hat from Boy George ...
Do these dresses make our asses look fat?
(No, your asses make these dresses look fat!)

What's holding those up?
No comment ..
Who's Yo Momma?


The token white guy.
Yes, that is a helicopter on her head...

And, last but not least: