Using Actung response to win one-up-man-ship game

A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle was saying how lazy the British are.as he told some friends he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium, up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in two days.

An old Geordie man listening nearby mutters.......Way Aye  man....I used to pick up my load in Newcastle drop off in Hamburg and be back in Newcastle the same day.

The German trucker snorted and said....Oh Yeah....what rig were you driving ?
The old fella replied....... A LANCASTER BOMBER !!!!!!!!!!

~000~

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity in retirement.

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars...watch 'em Slow Down\
2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'
3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing Along At The Opera.
6. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7. When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
8. Tell Your Children over dinner: 'Due to the economy,we are going to have to let one of you go...
9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
   And : my favorite.to Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
10. 10. Go to a large Department store?s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out: “THERE IS NO PAPER IN HERE”!

Nuisance calls

The next t time you get a call from an unknown or blocked number, answer it and whisper, “it’s done but there’s blood everywhere” and then hang-up

Once upon a time there was a Newfie and a Torontonian

A Newfie and a Torontonian entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, the Torontonian stole 3 chocolate bars. As they left the store, the Torontonian said to the Newfie:

"Man I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that."

Newfie replied: "You want to see something better?  Let's go back and I'll show you real stealing."

So they went to the counter and the Newfie said to the shopkeeper:

"Do you want to see magic ?" The shopkeeper replied: "Ok."

The Newfie said: "Give me one chocolate bar."

The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.   

The Newfie asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well.

He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shopkeeper asked: "So where's the magic?"

The Newfie replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate."

Maz,  That is one of your best ever . No-one could never miss you as a Newfie. Torontonian are always fair game especially this week being Stanley Cup playoffs when they get suicidal .

http://video.nhl.com/videocenter/console?hlg=20132014,2,175&lang=en

Two Nuns in Translyvania

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fu*k off the car you little shit!"

Laugh a bit

Revenge is sweet


Golf for Beginners

 

 

 

A Jolly Good Recovery


How men screw up romance

Doctors Hospital–A laugh a day keeps the doctor amused

1. A man comes into the ER and yells. . .....'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2.... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3.. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR

5. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered..... It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . .. .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!! ! .. . .. . . . . . . . . . .  THE FUNNIEST?

Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!
 
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied...

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

One liners

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband!
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A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.
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Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata.  It's a double dip recession.
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A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
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In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as:  "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been
confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mum's.
-------------------------------------------

The Hunter

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?

The operator in a calm soothing voice says: " Just take it easy. I can help. First make sure he's dead." There is silence, then a shot is heard.

The guys voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?'

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

Can I have a Life to Go with Side Salad Please

Faceless fun–rodeo

Have you tried the new rodeo position yet?
I haven't even heard of it , what is it?
well its where you get your wife down on all fours and mount her fr0m behind.
Then you reach around and cup each of her breasts in your hands and whisper in there ear, “Boy these feel just like your sister’s”

Faceless fun – Overweight

Mom what are you doing?
You know your Dad has a big tummy. Sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.
Your wasting tour time.
Why is that?
Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.

Faceless Fun - Golfer story

I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you were off playing golf and she got pregnant, would that make us family?

Well I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even,

Perfect Breasts

A man walking path came toward a woman with the most perfect breasts he'd ever seen.

As they were passing he turned and said, "Ma'am, you have perfect breasts. I will pay you $100 to bite them." The woman horrified, just kept walking.

The man then turned and called after her "Alright, I'll pay you $1,000 to bite your breasts." And the woman began to run. Determined, the man caught her and said, "Ok fine. I'll pay you $10,000 and not a penny more." The woman stopped, “Ok for $10,000 it’s worth it”

They then found a deserted alley and she took off her shirt and bra, revealing he perfect breasts. The man awestruck just began to touch, squeeze, fondle, and poke them.

Becoming impatient the woman finally said, "Well, are you going to bite them or not?!"

"Nah, replied the man too expensive."

Faceless Fun - Virgin

Auntie Pink are you a virgin?

Yes I'm saving myself till marriage

That's a load of bullshit, you just can’t get a guy.

Finally Sylvester catches Tweety.

Watch this until Sylvester catches Tweety.

(wait for it. It's worth it)... AFTER Tweety is caught, scroll down......





















This was an idiot test. How long did you watch?
0-2 seconds - there's hope for you
2-5 seconds - having a bad day?
5-10 seconds - maybe you're just a slow reader?
10-20 seconds - remedial classes are nothing to be ashamed of
20-30 seconds - it is recommended that you don't breed.
30 sec-1 min - you probably can't read this anyway, So why bother?
1-2 min - the equivalent of the average house plant
2-5 min - Good afternoon Jessica Simpson
5 min -1 hr - Dead people score in this range
1 hr plus - Congratulations. You have a negative IQ. To find out what your prize is, watch Bugs until he finishes his carrot...

HEY - DON'T BLAME ME...YOU SHOULD KNOW SYLVESTER NEVER CATCHES TWEETY.
Now go on and forward it to another of your unsuspecting friends. You know you want to!

A Few Laughs

REDNECK BABY CHAIR AND TEETHING RING

Revenge is sweet Golf for Beginners A Jolly Good Recovery

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

The flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super....'

On  his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can  pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said,

'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a  beat,

'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm  called a Queen, so I outrank you.  Tray-up, Bitch'

Restroom Stall

Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom, 
I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom.

"Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, But I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!" And the other person says: "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" ?? At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them: "No..I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions Cell phones, don't you just love 'em ! May you always have love to share, health to spare and friends that care!