"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Spyware Caution

Caution there is new spyware out there...just waiting to get you.

I've taken the precaution to show it to you without letting you get effected by it.
New Spyware

Be careful!


No-one will owns up to sending this one - But let me say it came from someone in Albury Australia

Sunday, March 29, 2009

I Love the Irish

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken, usually an Irishman's favorite part of the flight.


The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

The Michael Jackson UK Tour

Michael Jackson announced his dates for his upcoming UK tour.

They are Daniel aged 11, Michael aged 9, Richard aged 12 , Steve aged 8 and Darren aged 12.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Talk about Luck !!

Can you believe it? This guy wins 181 million in the lottery, and then just 2 days  later, he finds the love of his life!


Talk about Luck!!

Sent in by image - Melbourne .. good one Beth!!!

Beth runs Black Widow Investigations at www.spiderlady.com.au/

Friday, March 27, 2009

An Australian speed hump

Would you drive or wait??





(Picture taken near Gloucester in NSW in Australia)

Who is not playing the game

clip_image001 clip_image002
36 have been accused of spousal abuse 7 have been arrested for fraud, 19 have been accused of writing bad checks 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses 3 have done time for assault
71 repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit14 have been arrested on drug-related charges 8 have been arrested for shoplifting 21 currently are defendants in lawsuits,and 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is? NBA Or NFL


Neither, it's the 435 members of the United States Congress.
The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
You gotta pass this one on!



Larry (Like) Mccain is another mate of 40 years with an eye for some great jokes He also tells a few good ones himself but I can never get him to write then down Her lives in Windsor Ontario, and was one of our trio of ice hockey flats mates back on 1969 when we played with the Melbourne Tigers.

He has a great sense of humor and has decided to join our elite band of story tellers. Keep them coming Luke.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

A haircut

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies,

'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Drink Driving

Only an Aussie could pull this one off! This is true story from the Mount Isa in Queensland. Recently a routine police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub.

Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night).

He Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.
The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

This was sent to me by my Canadian mate Steve Miller who has just a retired as foot doctor and has nothing to do except send out jokes to his mates. He was my flat mate in Aus about 40 years ago when we both played ice hockey for one of the major league clubs, the Melbourne Tigers and when we both met our wives. So I guess that qualifies him to make it to be enrolled in this dubious web site to tell jokes.
Keep them coming Steve.

Dirty Donald

Donald Duck goes on a dirty weekend but forgets his condoms, He calls down to reception, asks for pack of three.

The girl on reception asks.

"Shall I put them on your bill?"

Donald replies

"Don't be f******ng stupid I'll suffocate"....







Trish of all the jokes we have done together over all the years, I just found we did not have a category for this one. Now we do...

Monday, March 23, 2009


Did you know that women rarely have the same dramatic symptoms that men have when experiencing heart attack? ... you know, the sudden stabbing pain in the chest, the cold sweat, grabbing the chest & dropping to the floor that we see in the movies? 

I was not aware that female heart attacks are different, Women and heart attacks (Myocardial Infarction). This description is the best I had ever seen for this ER nurse who had a HEART ATTACK

I had a heart attack at about 10 :30 PM with NO prior exertion, NO prior emotional trauma that one would suspect might've brought it on.   I was sitting all snugly & warm on a cold evening, with my purring cat in my lap, reading an interesting story my friend had sent me, and actually thinking,  'A-A-h, this is the life, all cozy and warm in my soft, cushy Lazy Boy with my feet propped up.

A moment later, I felt that awful sensation of indigestion, when you've been in a hurry and grabbed a bite of sandwich and washed it down with a dash of water, and that hurried bite seems to feel like you've swallowed a golf ball going down the esophagus in slow motion and it is most uncomfortable. You realize you shouldn't have gulped it down so fast and needed to chew it more thoroughly and this time drink a glass of water to hasten its progress down to the stomach. This was my initial sensation---the only trouble was that I hadn't taken a bite of anything since about 5:00 p.m.

After it seemed to subside, the next sensation was like little squeezing motions that seemed to be racing up my SPINE (hind-sight, it was probably my aorta spasming), gaining speed as they continued racing up and under my sternum (breast bone, where one presses rhythmically when administering CPR). 

This fascinating process continued on into my throat and branched out into both jaws.  'AHA!! NOW I stopped puzzling about what was happening -- we all have read and/or heard about pain in the jaws being one of the signals of an MI happening, haven't we?  I said aloud to myself and the cat, 'Dear God, I think I'm having a heart attack!' 

I lowered the footrest dumping the cat from my lap, started to take a step and fell on the floor instead. I thought to myself, If this is a heart attack, I shouldn't be walking into the next room where the phone is or anywhere else ... but, on the other hand, if I don't, nobody will know that I need help, and if I wait any longer I may not be able to get up in moment.

I pulled myself up with the arms of the chair, walked slowly into the next room and dialed the Paramedics .. I told her I thought I was having a heart attack due to the pressure building under the sternum and radiating into my jaws.

I didn't feel hysterical or afraid, just stating the facts.  She said she was sending the Paramedics over immediately, asked if the front door was near to me, and if so, to unbolt the door and then lie down on the floor where they could see me when they came in.

I unlocked the door and then lay down on the floor as instructed and lost consciousness. I don't remember the medics coming in, their examination, lifting me onto a gurney or getting me into their ambulance, or hearing the call they made to St. Jude ER on the way,

But I did briefly awaken when we arrived and saw that the Cardiologist was already there in his surgical blues and cap, helping the medics pull my stretcher out of the ambulance.

He was bending over me asking questions (probably something like  'Have you taken any medications?'' but I couldn't make my mind interpret what he was saying, or form an answer,  and just nodded off again, not waking up until the Cardiologist and partner had already threaded the teeny angiogram balloon up my femoral artery into the aorta and into my heart where they installed 2 side by side stents to hold open my right coronary artery.

I know it sounds like all my thinking and actions at home must have taken at least 20-30 minutes before calling the Paramedics, but actually it took perhaps 4-5 minutes before the call, and both the fire station and St. Jude are only minutes away from my home.

And my Cardiologist was already to go to the OR in his scrubs and get going on restarting my heart (which had stopped somewhere between my arrival and the procedure) and installing the stents.

Why have I written all of this to you with so much detail?  Because I want all of  you to know what I learned first hand.

1.  Be aware that something very different is happening in your body not the usual men's symptoms but  inexplicable things happening (until my sternum and jaws got into the act). 

It is said that many more  women than men die of their first (and last) MI  because they didn't know they were having one and commonly mistake it as indigestion, take some Maalox or other anti-heartburn preparation and go to bed, hoping they'll feel better in the morning when they wake up ... which doesn't happen.   

My female friends, your symptoms might not be exactly like mine, so I advise you to call the Paramedics if ANYTHING is unpleasantly happening that you've not felt before. 

It is better to have a 'false alarm' visitation than to risk your life guessing what it might be!

2.  Note that I said ''Call the Paramedics.'' And if you can,  take an aspirin.  Ladies, TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE!  

Do NOT try to drive yourself to the ER you are a hazard  to others on the road.

Do NOT have your panicked husband who will be speeding  and looking anxiously at what's happening with you instead of the road.

Do NOT call your doctor -- he doesn't know where you live and if it's at night you won't reach him anyway, and if it's daytime, his assistants (or answering service) will  tell you to call the Paramedics.

He doesn't carry the equipment in his car that you need to be saved! The Paramedics do, principally OXYGEN that you need ASAP. Your Dr. will be notified later.

3.   Don't assume it couldn't be a heart attack because you have a normal cholesterol count. 

Research has discovered that a cholesterol elevated reading is rarely the cause of an MI (unless it's unbelievably high and/or accompanied  by high blood pressure).

MI's are usually caused  by long-term stress and inflammation in the  body,  which dumps all sorts of deadly hormones into your system to sludge things up in there.  

Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep.   Let's be careful and be aware. The more we know,the better chance we could survive.  

A cardiologist who read this , if everyone who gets this sends it to 10 people, you can be sure that we'll save at least one life. **Please be friend and send this article to all your friends (male & female) who you care about!**

Thursday, March 19, 2009


The photographer did a great job of matching up the kids and dogs. This is absolutely adorable!!

A friend is someone we turn to when our spirits need a lift

A friend is someone we treasure for our friendship is a gift


A friend is someone who fills our lives with beauty, joy, and grace.

And makes the world we live in a better and happier place.

There is a miracle called friendship, that dwells in the heart.
You do not know how it happens or when it gets it's start.


But you know the special lift it always brings.
You realize that friendship is the world's most precious gift!


Send this to all your friends, no matter how often you talk, or how close you are.

Let old friends know you haven't forgotten them, and tell new friends you never will.

They help out around the house...


They protect our children...


They look out for the smaller ones...

They show us how to relax...


They 'converse' with each other.clip_image012[4]

They help you when you're down...

They are great at decorating for the Holidays..


They have 'great' expectations.


They are Patriotic.

They are happy to 'test' the water.

They love their 'teddies'

They know who's 'BOSS.


AND - They know when we need a good LAUGH!

It is done by moving the corners of the mouth upward.
LET ME SHOW YOUHOW.............




Now end this link on AND MAKE SOMEONE ELSE SMILE!!!

(I think I need a pet  .. Trish)

The Eukanuba Diet.

I was buying a large bag of Eukanuba (Dog food) at Woolies, Manuka and standing in line at the checkout.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

I said "No", and added "I am starting The Eukanuba Diet again. I probably shouldn't because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 22 kilos before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming from all my orifices and IV's in both arms".

I then told her it was essentially a perfect diet; adding "And the way it works is you load your pockets with Eukanuba nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is also very  nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again".

I have to say at this point practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy just  behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her "No; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me".

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch, why else would I buy dog food .

Jai you may have alienated our fairer sex completely but I am still laughing   too.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.

This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.

I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along.


The conversation went like this...

Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'


Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)


I thought you would especially appreciate this one! ...  BOB

Think twice when there is a fire alarm

This is how its done in Singapore. A fire alarm rang at 4 PM when almost all 5000 shift employees were in the factory.

As usual with the great efficiency Singapore is known for. the entire workforce  evacuated within 3 minutes & all employees gathered outside waiting for their next  instructions .

10 minutes passed ... then another 5 more more before a security officer finally came out and announced he had been asked to read a prepared statement:

Dear Present and Former Employees,

With melting heart we make this announcement that for many of you this will be a last evacuation drill.

Due to the recession we are laying off almost 50% of our employees.

If your ID card does not work,  you are among those laid off & Your personal belongings will be  couriered to you tomorrow.

We tool this approach as we didn't want to clog our email boxes with layoff and good bye mails in thousands We also wanted to avoid any fights inside the office.

For those leaving we hope you have nice career.


Best wishes


The Management


Monday, March 16, 2009

Nobody's perfect are they?


I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.

Except that one where you're naked in church.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

Five million people,
Fifteen last names.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

Sometimes I even put it in the food.

When you work here,
you can name your own salary. 
I named mine, "Fred".

money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Keep them coming Trish

Saturday, March 14, 2009

A new scam - be careful

Here is an email I was sent by a friend:

Hi Mate,
Here is a "heads up" if you are a regular customer at Bunning's hardware. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping there. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

1. Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy bikinis. It is impossible not to look.

2. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

3.. You agree and they get in the backseat.

4. On the way, they start undressing.

5. Then one of them climbs over the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen December 4th 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also January 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely will again this coming weekend.

P.S. Coles Supermarkets have wallets on sale for $2.99 each.

So tell your friends to be careful



Post was sent by Kay & Peter Mitchell - Victoria Australia

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Introducing Charlotte

This morning I received a simple one liner that needs no explanation.

From: Spike Guinness

Sent: Wednesday, March 11, 2009 7:13 AM
To: Gordon Wood

Subject: Here she is!!!

Gordon, Meet Charlotte Lisa Guinness!!!!!



Congratulations go to  Jai and Pui Guinness from us all on becoming proud parents.And welcome Charlotte. You look Great. 

Jai (spike to his mates) is one of our HFAO team contributors with really great Jokes.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Deep EsotericThought

*Maharishi Fattifatbastard's Guide to Zen*The journey of a thousand miles begins with....... a broken fan belt and a flat tyre
The darkest hours come just before the dawn. If you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's when to do it.
Sex is like air. It ‘s only important when you aren't getting any.
Remember, no-one is listening......... until you fart.
Never forget that you are unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again?
It was probably worth it.
Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.
Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman.
Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on
our behind. From there on in, life gets worse