"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The best excuse for having an affair!

The wife came home early to find her husband making love to a beautiful sexy young woman.
"You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house and I want a divorce!"
The husband, replied, "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened."
"It'll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you cheating creep."
"While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her into my car. I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had not eaten for three days. Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain more weight. When I served them to her, the poor young thing, practically inhaled them. Since she was dirty I asked her if she'd like to bathe. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were worn-out and full of holes so I threw them away.
Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you no longer wear because they're too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.
After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the door where she turned around and with tears of gratitude streaming down her cheeks, she asked me, "Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?"

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally went bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

Moral of this story:
Always keep your condoms in your car ...

Monday, July 11, 2011

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Traffic Stop - Registration please

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S.C. State Trooper: " Registration please Maam. "
Woman: " Let me look for it. Sorry officer, I can't find it. " Trooper: " Look again. "
Woman: " It is NOT in my glove box ! "
Trooper: " Just to make sure Maam, please look again. "
Woman: " Look Officer, You've already ordered me to check my glove box three times. My registration just isn't in there !! "
Trooper: " Ma'am.....Please Check again ! "
Woman: " For the last time.... I can't find it !! "
Trooper: Look again . . . .
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Thursday, July 7, 2011

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

 

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked..
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh.! Kill any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

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Intrigued, she asked..

"How can you tell them apart?"


He responded. . .

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."